We just sent this to Andrea. We are sure we'll never get a response, or that when something does go wrong, she'll throw it in our faces.

Andrea & Ian:

It is our hope that you will take time to read this letter, and take it to heart. It is written with the utmost sincerity. We have given this much heartfelt thought, and have taken great strides in its preparation.

Both Katrina and I have said, on more than one occasion, that we are done fighting with you. There is one exception to that – the HELOC and the mortgage. If you find a way to keep the HELOC and mortgage current, then we truly are done fighting.

At one point you stated, if there is something you feel we need to know about Jacob, you will let us know. We have requested, and for well over a year we worked this way, a short update prior to our residential time with Jacob. We do not feel our request for an update is unreasonable, but it appears that you feel we are asking too much.

We have realized that most of the time, there probably isn’t much to “report.” Both households are going to have their ups and downs with Jacob. I realize that you don’t feel like you should be expected to give us a detailed report of what is going on with Jacob in your household. We have, in the past, provided you with an update after our residential time with Jacob. We have done this out of respect to you, and in the hopes of coming to a working, co-parenting relationship that would benefit Jacob.

Realizing that you may feel like you are “reporting” to us how you are raising Jacob, I simply ask that if you see a problem with Jacob, or something in him that has changed, if you would just let me know, by sending us an email; we would greatly appreciate it. I would be grateful if you would share positive things with me, as well as problematic things. I would also be thankful if you would remember to update me on things that have been sent home from school or that are occurring at school; sometimes we don’t get a lot of notice and events may go by before I have an opportunity to speak with Jacob’s teachers. We want to participate as much as possible.

Likewise, if there is a concern or a problem we feel needs to be brought to your attention after we have had our residential time with Jacob, we will let you know, or if there is something positive that we’d like to share; otherwise, neither of us needs to worry about sending an update to the other regarding Jacob. As you have pointed out we do talk to Jacob’s teachers when we pick him up, and they do let us know what has been going on with him the last couple of weeks; hopefully, in the future, we can communicate this between ourselves.

We have also realized that when we send our request for an update on Jacob that you may feel like we are questioning how you are raising Jacob. We can assure you that is not the case, but we have come to realize there is nothing we can do to change your thoughts, opinion, or beliefs about what really does go on in our minds and in our hearts. Believe as you will, the only intention we have ever had with asking for an update on Jacob is to know what is going on with him, to share in his life, and be there to support him when things are going on, or when there are problems. You will raise him how you believe in your household, and we will raise him how we believe in our household.

We appreciate that being a single mother is not an easy task, that you are busy, and that you may not always have time to check your emails, respond to any questions or concerns that we may have, or even take time to sit down and let us know what has been going on with Jacob. I hope that at some point, maybe when Jacob is older and more self sufficient, you will find time to let us know what is going on with Jacob, his accomplishments, and his difficulties. We want to be able to share in the joys and sorrows of his upbringing.

The only thing that we do ask is that you follow the parenting plan and respond to emails within 48-hours. For the last several weeks, you may not have noticed, but we do not email you as often. This is the path that we will continue on. We told you we are done fighting with you, and we are. The only time you will receive an email from us is if we truly feel it is important for you to know something that has gone on with Jacob. We hope that if we have specific questions about Jacob, that you will find the time to respond to the email within the time set forth in the parenting plan.

It has been brought to our attention, that in addition to the above realizations, you may feel that when we do ask for an update on Jacob, ask you specific questions, offer suggestions, share information on how something may or may not be working in our household, that you think we believe you to be a bad parent. That is not our intention at all. Of course we do things in our home that you probably do not approve of, and you probably do things in your home that we do not approve of. But that doesn’t mean that either way is wrong, they are simply different ways of parenting.

Our requests are not an attack on your parenting style, just simply trying to understand how you are handling situations in your home. Perhaps the way you handle a particular situation works better than the way we do, and vice versa. Our requests (emails) are not meant to criticize you or question the way you handle situations, just sharing. We are truly sorry if we have put you on the defensive, or have made you feel like this. Please know, and realize, that I have never intended for anything written above to be felt like that by you. I just want to be involved in Jacob’s life, spend as much time as possible with him, and be kept in the loop.

It has been very difficult for me to accept that I cannot be a part of my son’s everyday life. That is where my frustration and anger comes from, and Katrina feeds off that anger and frustration just as Ian does with yours. Accepting that I have been relegated to a weekend dad is a hard piece of reality to choke down, I’m sure Ian can relate to how I am feeling. This isn’t want I wanted for Jacob, and it certainly isn’t the kind of father I dreamed of becoming. However, all I can do is the best that I can with the time I am allowed, and hope that is enough.

We want you to realize that when we do something nice, or ask for something, we aren’t out to do something evil, we have no ulterior motives, we aren’t trying to slam you, or get anything out of you. If we do something nice, it is what it is … it’s because we want to do it for Jacob. We are all (you, me, Katrina, and Ian) frustrated with how things have gone, and we are all responsible for the outcomes. The question we all need to ask ourselves is what can I (as an individual) do to make things go more smoothly, for Jacob’s benefit? Communicating about him and raising him should not be a chore. A child is a joy, a gift, and none of us are treating this situation as such.

We have also come to realize, as parents, that everyone believes no one can take care of a child as good as they personally do. I will never live up to your expectations as a father, and you will never live up to my expectations as a mother; this is something we both have to expect and accept. We each think that how we raise and take care of Jacob is the best way and no one could possibly do any better – and we are both wrong! I hope someday we both can come to accept that we are not always right, and do not know everything about raising a child, and can learn how to communicate with each other (effectively) for Jacob’s interests.

You have said a lot of mean and hurtful things to me, and I have done the same to you. I’m not sure why either of us has done that; I have my own thoughts on the matter as far as why I have said things, and I hope that you’ll take time to ask yourself the same questions … why did I say that? Do I really believe it? If I do, how can I make sure Jacob is protected? If I don’t, then why say it at all?

On more than one occasion you have spent an insane amount of time telling me what a horrible father I am. Recently you told me that until I’m 100% happy I will never be able to give myself fully to Jacob. What you don’t realize, is that you don’t know me at all anymore. I’m not happy about how little I get to see Jacob, so yes, I am angry about that. I am happy with pretty much everything else in my life (as always work presents its problems). You haven’t spent enough time talking to me or with me in person, to know what kind of person I am, or what kind of person Katrina is.

I truly hope that, if you haven’t already, you take time to read the Co-Parenting Survival Guide. That is only one of the parenting books that I have read. I think it is the most insightful. There is another one that Katrina read called Stepwives. She actually bought a copy for you too, but in hindsight she didn’t think you’d appreciate receiving the book from her; if you want her to leave it for you just let us know. She said the book is written by a step-mother and an ex-wife who absolutely hated each other for years; it provides both perspectives, and then the reality. She laughed out loud at times, and read sections of it to me. Maybe you can find time to read that book as well.

Katrina and I have written this letter together. It is from both of us and it took a long time to write, and a great deal of strength and soul searching. Fighting over Jacob and how he is raised isn’t going to make him a better person. Realizing that we each have our own beliefs on how he should be raised, and that there is nothing we can do about how the other parent raises him, took a lot out of us. I hope someday, we can communicate effectively for Jacob’s best interests. He deserves to have both of his parents in his life. He doesn’t deserve to hear us arguing or to sense any tension between us. He deserves the best of everything!!

Thanks for reading … and God bless!

Erik & Katrina