on this site, 'Don't let her rent space in your head' they were the most perfect words anyone could have said to me, as it just clicked. I am a worrier and an analyser by nature and I was always trying to work out things she did and said and why this was such a drama. Now I think 'ah she's not worth my head space' and go on to do something else.

Don't know if this will catch on for you, but it sure worked for me. It's not my child or my ex. SS doesn't like me and neither does she, but my kids adore me and I adore them and they are worth all the space in my head. Spread your focus to things you can control..loving your kids. Someone elses ex isn't worth the stress.

Good Luck

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

My husband's ex-wife was driving me crazy. I'm the problem solver in the family too, and I could NOT figure that woman out! Finally I read a book about dealing with difficult people. It didn't talk about ex-wives in particular, but it did talk about taking a step back and realizing that there will never be any rhyme or reason to the way she is going to act. I told my husband that I wasn't going to talk to her anymore, and that I wasn't going to be involved in their squabbles. Basically I'm making my husband take responsibility for that part of his life, whereas before I was always the one trying to mediate between the two. Hope that helps.

I spent a long time trying to "fix" BM. Trying to be the one to solve the entire situation between her and DH. I mean, my ex and I were able to sit down, forgive each other and put everything aside for our daughter. We agreed to be flexible with visitation and respect each other. Man, if I could solve my own problems then I should have been able to solve the other one, right? Hell no!!! I drove myself crazy trying to make BM normal. Then I realized that I cannot solve the problems of the universe. I cannot change someone that refuses to help themself. So, I transferred my need to "fix" the situation onto my family. My SD, BD, and DH. God knows they all need help too. I accepted that BM is an angry little person full of hate. There is no solvig her problem. She will always be that way until she chooses to stop. In the meantime, you know where I am focusing my problem solving needs!!!! Just remember that we have no control over others behavior. And I am a control freak, so this way a very hard revelation for me. Gosh, I love therapy!!!!

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
Most people in general that cause problems for others, who keep things stirred up, who try to manipulate and control, do so because of their own insecurities and low self esteem,(which btw, are codependant qualities) Of course these same people will present themselves as being better than others, but this is just another way of trying to make themselves believe that there is nothing wrong with them(its everyone else). I analyze everything and everyone in life...goes with my line of work..but in order to analyze these personality's, we must understand they act and react the way they do because they are not whole. They are a continuous work in progress, which is why they are one way this time and another way another time. They dont even know who they are!!! In regards to fixing them...we can only attempt to fix what is broken, to have been broken, one must have been whole to begin with, if not whole then it is merely incomplete and if incomplete, it cannot be fixed. The missing parts must be found by the person still searching which is the person with the issues.So sit back and be thankful that you are whole, established and complete and let them do their work on their own.

You put that so perfect. The comment about only being able to fix what is broken... I love that!!! I have never heard it put that way and somehow that creates clarity on so many levels. BTW, what is you do for a living that allows you to analyze others???

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
I came clean about my career in Daddysgurl Question post...and thanks for the compliment of what I know can sometimes be long posts on my part.

Your husband is likely right.... I know that my ex's wife is obsessed with me, my life, my kids, what I am doing, ETC. I know that she stays up at night thinking about me.... I know how much they fight over me because she cannot move on.... and I know that she comforts herself by convincing herself that she has something that I want.... I know that she is jealous and unable to move on... and although I am not the kind of person that is happy over another's unhappiness, I know a lot of people that would be. Don't let her get to you... I know.... MUCH easier said than done.... but try to remind yourself that you are only hurting yourself... she doesn't know that you hate her, or think about her, or anything... the only one you are hurting is yourself and your marriage.

I feel the same way about DH's ex.... We went through a lot of crap while learning how to communicate about the ex without fighting with each other! I feel the same way as you, I hate how the ex uses her own children, I hate how she treated and continues to treat DH. I don't know her as a person.... I know that she is a manipulative liar... I think that I know enough about her to know that I hate her as a person as well.... There... I said it.... I hate the Bi**h!