This "Close" is not normal!
I've always known SO and SD14 were close. He told me from the beginning that she was his "best buddy". He always said that he was "all she has" (her mother left when she was a young child and has very little to do with her, she has NO friends at all and her older sister can't stand being around her), therefore her being around (literally) 24/7 was a fact of life. I guess I never understood that her being around 24/7 was going to be quite so literal... right down to plopping down on our bed late at night with her iPad because she doesn't want to be alone in her room. SO sometimes throws it in my face when we're arguing that my child is an introvert that doesn't want to hang out with me. Personally I think my DS14 is a normal teenage boy! What teenage boy wants to hang out with their mother 24/7? What teenage girl wants to hang with their dad 24/7? What kind of teenage girl can't let Daddy go to the gas station for a soda without her tagging along? Am I the only one who thinks this is TOO CLOSE? He sometimes has a bad day and says he wants to go fishing & be alone for a little while. Ok, no problem! But then SD says "Can I go to?" and it's "Sure. Let's go."
The thing is, she can be a very sweet, caring, thoughtful child! But she's so used to Daddy giving her whatever she wants that she has become manipulative.
SO's mother once told me that when he was a kid he felt "abandonded" by his older brother when he moved out. His older brother and he haven't been close since they were kids and he resents that fact. So he sees SD20 as his older brother and SD14 as himself. Therefore, he feels he's being abandonded all over again.
But it goes too far. He goes on this warpath of "I'm sick & tired of people being mean to my daughter!" and you can't convince him that it's not a giant JFK sized conspiracy against SD14!
And I'm sorry, but I find it wierdly offensive that he posts cute little memes about SD on Instagram way more than he posts anything about me!
I apologize for the rant. I'm not looking for tons of advice, as I know this isn't normal and cannot continue. I just needed to get it off my chest!
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Insurance, yes. A desire for
Insurance, yes. A desire for therapy, Hell NO! SO absolutely REFUSES to even discuss therapy for either of them!
Wow. He absolutely refuses to
Wow. He absolutely refuses to discuss therapy? Then the man must be real happy having his daughter as his future, 'cos that's how they're gonna end up.
My stepdaughter is 12 and
My stepdaughter is 12 and she's starting the clinging thing with her dad. She's always been a little clingy but she literally hangs off of him. I've read that its normal for girls at this age to do that now, to hold there dad's hand etc. They usually grow out of it, its a normal part of development. But I think its weird what you're describing. it's too much. She needs to learn how to spend time on her own and it's not good for her to feel comfortably interruping you in your own bedroom!
Up until the day she
Up until the day she literally burst into our bedroom while we were being intimate, she would routinely just walk right in without knocking. I went off and she now knocks first (but still always asks "Can I come in?"). She doesn't physically hang on him. In fact, she doesn't even hug him often or show him any kind of physical affection. It's all emotional. If she's not talking to him in person, she's texting him. She texts him all day long while she's at school. She reads him ALL her correspondence (texts) between she and her friends, as well as the boy she was texting until last week! And I'm talking VERBATIM! He doesn't push her to find her own life or her own friends. He just makes the excuse that all the girls at her school are all slutty or drink or do drugs and there are no "decent Christian" kids for her to be friends with. (That's a load of crap! There are tons of great Christian kids at her school! She just acts holier than thou at the least little comment she doesn't agree with and it turns people away.)
I think we are living the
I think we are living the same life!! Your DH sounds just like mine! My SD16 moved in with us over 2 years ago, has very few friends, she has had her drivers licence for a while now and has just I mean just started going to town with a friend here or there. She hardly ever leaves daddy's side. He loves it but it drives me crazy. We can never have a conversation about anything without her being all up in it. They talk and giggle like best friends, well they are best friends. I think that is what bothers me the most is that SHE is his best friend and not me. I don't confide in him like I should because I feel like he talks to her about everything. I am the third wheel. I feel like an outsider in my home. My DH has said the same thing about there are no Christian people for her to hang out with. I told him, yeah I was sure SHE was the ONLY christian in school!! It just blows my mind how pathetic these men can be over their princesses. If more husbands treated their wives like they did their COD there wouldn't be as many divorces as there are.
OMG! We are definitely living
OMG! We are definitely living paralel lives here!
Thunderfoot has no friends
Thunderfoot has no friends either and she uses the excuses your DH uses. They are slutty, they drink or party, blah blah blah. No they just don't like you because you're an asshole so you turn it around on them. I do not understand teenagers that have no friends. I had tons of friends at that age.
I think plopping onto your
I think plopping onto your bed is a big NO NO. When my SD did that (and I met her at age 10) I told DH I was NOT comfortable with it at all. I told him I needed my space - that our bedroom was just for us, and for her to stay out of it. I don't think she liked it, but DH told her that's how it was and she adjusted. She's 14 now...but when she was 10-12 there was a lot of clingy-ness - and babyish stuff...thank GOD she is growing out of if. She's still emotionally stunted in some ways...that's DH's fault. But she lets us leave the house without her more and more. My therapist said she should continue to distance herself from Daddy once "boys" come into her life. And that's REAL boys - not the ones they idolize on TV or in movies. Then Daddy will be quickly replaced. I can't WAIT for that day. Daddy won't like it...but c'est la vie - and it's HEALTHY for both Dad and Daughter.
I don't think it's right your husband is posting memes about his daughter...well, at least it's annoying. That would annoy the CR*P out of me. He needs to help her to grow up, not hinder her. It is emotional incest. It's not right.
The bed thing. I effin hate
The bed thing. I effin hate that shit! Thunderfoot stays in her room for the most part but sometimes she will come plop her ass on our bed and watch TV. Wtf? You have your own TV... Go watch it! But now that we've moved, there will be no more of that.
Yes, ever since we moved no
Yes, ever since we moved no SDs in bedroom unless permission is asked.
Both have been reprimanded at this point for it and they are doing pretty well now. Likely because DP wants them out too. He gets the privacy thing now that we have it.
By any chance, Do you call
By any chance, Do you call her Thunderfoot because when she walks through the house she stomps so loudly it sounds like a heard of Rhinos coming toward you? When SD14 "walks" across the hardwood we can hear her coming all the way from the other side of the house!
You hit the nail on the head!
You hit the nail on the head! That is EXACTLY why I call her that. We call her that at home to her face. You can hear her no matter where she is in the house!
Oh honey! I hope you don't
Oh honey! I hope you don't mind me stealing that little nugget from you! I can't wait to scream "Hey Thunderfoot! You're gonna crack the hardwoods!"
Please feel free to use it!
Please feel free to use it! She always gives me this sideways "screw you" look when I call her that. I just laugh and laugh!
That's eewwwish. Sorry about
That's eewwwish.
Sorry about your spinal issues. Please say you are having a neurosurgeon do the surgery (when approved /scheduled ). What are you going to do about recovery? Have you talked to DH about needing his assistance and you most definitely need the privacy of your bedroom during the post op period so best start no kids in adult bedroom policy.
Absolutely! Neurosurgeon was
Absolutely! Neurosurgeon was my number one requirement when I got my first referral. Since this is not only my third back surgery, but also the second level affected there is a greater risk of failure. Regular Orthopedic surgeons aren't always as careful when nerves are involved. Since nerve damage is a higher factor in my case, I demanded Neuro. (But, I also have a history with a former boyfriend who had a botched back surgery from an Ortho surgeon. So I tell anyone I talk to who's considering spinal surgery to go to a neuro surgeon.)
SO is all set for my recovery. He knows he will be doing most everything for a few weeks and both kids are also ready to help out more. It's sad I have to be bed ridden to get any assistance. LOL
Take a look at stepdown's
Take a look at stepdown's blogs. She was a former poster here who finally called it quits. This is where you are heading.
Actually what your SO is
Actually what your SO is doing is hurting his daughter in the long run. It isn't her. She doesn't know any better because this is how her father has raised her. "I am the only one you can rely on." Because he has his own needs.
And isn't it a little weird that she passes on the texts from her friends but she doesn't have 'friends' to hang out with? How does that work?
I think this all is about your SO emotionally crippling his daughter. Why not reverse the situation? Ask her to go with you somewhere. It may be difficult but you can do it. Ask her to go to the store with you because you want her opinion. And she leaves her phone in the car. This is MUCH more about unentangling him than her.
Agree!
Agree!
He needs to teach her healthy
He needs to teach her healthy boundaries. Because in the future she may not find a spouse that treats her the same and gives her that same kind of attention as her daddy does. And she's only going to be used to that kind of attention.
Another problem is how you feel about it. If you feel he is giving her more attention than you that is an issue. I would feel the same way based off of what you wrote.
Adding - my DH has 3 girls
Adding - my DH has 3 girls and I have had these same issues. I finally put my foot down. I couldn't handle it.
I never did that with my dad.
I never did that with my dad. I was trying to grow up and break away, not make a stronger relationship. That's not right. Does she have lots of friends? Does your DH act like he's her girlfriend?
I have a severely clingy
I have a severely clingy SD13.. But years ago I stopped her at my bedroom door.. I told her there was nor would never be a reason for her to be in there. My BS19 & BD15 don't go in there and she would not either.. So she will text DH from the living room and ask him to come sit with her! If we split up I will never date a man that has children unless they are grown and married!!