Constant up and down Step daughter issues
So SD14 is always on the go because her mother has signed her up for everything under the sun basically because she gives SD14 anything she wants, anything, and knows we can't keep up with it with our schedule because we have 2 of our own, son 3 and daughter 5 and SS9. We have always said 1 sport per season and her mother keeps signing her up for travel sports and regular sports in school. So basically SD14 only expects everyone to be running around for her constantly, no family time relaxing just running and meeting her demands. She is extremely entitled like her mother. Sometimes, maybe half or slightly more we have a good relationship, she confides in me a lot and we are close, but it seems only when she wants, and I know that's par for the course for having a teenager and especially a SD teen. But, when she comes home, she barely says hello to anyone in the family. She just not friendly, very cold, towards me and towards our own kids. My kids wonder why and I know it hurts them. I know she's extremely jealous of our two kids but I believe she's jealous of daughter5. It's the other girl in the family. We were decorating our tree last night and daughter5 who loves her older sister was holding a frozen ornament. Now backstory, other years decorating the tree you can tell she gets very jealous when daughter5 has ornaments, you can tell she starts getting possessive about her ornaments or how many she has, and daughter5 has gotten some new ones because she's little And these are her first couple Christmas's. So last night daughter5 was holding SD14 frozen ornament from when she was little and daughter5 was screaming Elsa Elsa!! And SD14 was like yeah you know who's that is?? Mine!.. I was like oh here we go again. Every year I think her jealousy will subside but it doesn't and it drives me insane. Truly insane. So my mood switched toward SD14 and I'm guilty of being a little aggressive in tone towards her. She also directs convo only to DH about her sports. No one else. But that also irritates me because it's a fact her mother has taught her to only love her dad over here, and that her siblings and me are all less important to her. SD14 has for years always said her siblings are "just" her half siblings, that I'm not her family and she doesn't have to listen to me or love me. She's always treated me poorly up until maybe the last 2 years. It's been beyond challenging and we overcome it but there's always another set back with her and I get really frusterated and upset mainly because I don't like the way she treats our kids and the blatant jealousy that is visible. So then DH starts saying why are you being mean to SD14 and it leads into one thing leads to another and he starts yelling at me saying "WE JUST want to know why you're so aggressive towards SD14 and why you're so protoectice of daughter5 iris obnoxious and I was battling between SD14 and DH, so she knows she has the power. And my husband is yelling at me for being protective of my energies and the energies towards my daughter but isn't he protecting SD14 the same way? He always take her back and defended her and when I say she's NEVER wrong I'm not saying that lightly. She does no wrong in his eyes. This child has been a monster when it comes to stress and anxiety entitlement for years!!!!! He's never ever had her be in the wrong and he's always shown her he will fight me for her and makes it clear I come second. No matter how she treats me or our kids. This ornament /sports tall situation may seem menial but there have been so many bigger ones in the past of her blatantly ignoring daughter5 where she's hurt and it's clear she doesn't know why big sis treats her like that. I even say daughter 5 hand SD14 a couple ornaments to hang last night and SD14 just brushed her off and didn't say thank you and take them to make her feel special or anything. It's sad and I see it but DH doesn't and doesn't protect daughter5 in my eyes at all. Now DH and I fighting and he said I will always come second to his kids no matter what.
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Also, something else just
Also, something else just happened, she had to get up for a sports game this morning at 930 so I woke her ok at 815 saying you gotta get up soon set your alarm for 20 more minutes, she said ok. I then called her at 840 are you up. She said yes (all the whole DH was downstairs and didn't know I woke her up or anything.) he then walks up at 9:20 and says in front of her closed door not knowing she was awake "what'd you not wake her up on purpose" loudly so she could hear. Because he knows I'm still mad from the ornament/treatment situation last night. I said oh that's good to say in front of her right? He then says to SD14 "honey you want a bagel?" This is such abuse I can't stand it. He feeds into overprotecting her and even making her think I'm malicious! Not to mention never justifying my feelings ! ONLY HERS
I was the recipient of DHs
I was the recipient of DHs ire when he thought I wasn't doing well enough, letting OSD know when dinner was ready. Even though I had told her multiple times and we always ate dinner on weeknights at the same time. So the last time he complained to me, I calmly told him that if he thought I wasn't doing it right, it was now on him and I wouldn't do it again. He then had the same problem I did.
I think you can disengage from some basic things, like getting her up, but I would not stop protecting your daughter. Some of it may be standard sibling rivalry (my sis and I were HORRIBLE to each other), but if you also admit you were over the top, reign it in and correct her firmly and consistently. My DH didn't like me doing so to my SDs but if I was reasonable he had no argument and I would not let him get to me. Or I would just do another disengaged from whatever thing we were crashing over and he got to handle it.
My first advice is to leave
My first advice is to leave because life is short, he seems unwilling to change, and who wants to put up with that?
But I know some people don't have the means to leave out are unwilling so my second piece of advice is to disengage. Dont do anything for her. Don't cook, clean, wake her up, plan any activities, drive her anywhere, buy anything for her or say anything to her beyond a polite hello/goodbye and the occasional mmm-hmm, that's nice, or oh, sorry to hear that. If your husband gets on you simply tell him that since he thinks you're so aggressive/unfair/etc. that you're leaving everything to him. He can manage his daughter and you focus on your kids.
Your husband is a jerk
Your H is a total jerk. Throwing you under the bus, criticising you in front of SD14. Then telling you that you will always be second to everyone else.
Id definitely explore your options, because you have all the power here.
Firstly. As the others have advised, disengage from parenting her. This ALL belongs to her parents. Dont wake her royal hi-ness up for any or her multitudes of sports, dont do for her unless its for everyone elses benefit.
Secondly. Look into that child support.
Thirdly, you need to school him that YOU deserve to come first. YOU deserve to be his priority.
He is coddling and catering to poopsie, spoiling home life for everyone else. He is sacfricinging his young daughter for his spoiled bratola first daughter, who will always be mean and nasty bish to everyone as she has been trained and groomed.
Protect your littles from their jerk of a baby daddy. He doesnt deserve them and he doesnt deserve YOU.
This situation isn't unique
This situation isn't unique to stepfamilies. My brother and I were born one year and 5 days apart. We were very close for SIX years until our dynamic was disrupted by the birth of our next sister "S". A year later, "V" was born. "S" was very sickly at birth and spent a lot of time in the hospital due to respiratory issues which turned into allergies and asthma. My cat was given away because of my sister. To say I resented her was an understatement. She was spoiled and whenever she let out a shriek or whined, my parents would lower the boom on my brother and me. They didn't want to hear what happened - all they knew was their fragile poopsie was in distress. As a parent, I get their POV because my youngest child has Autism that was severe enough to disrupt our home, and wouldn't you know, my two older kids resent him a bit, too.
I'm not saying that SD14's behavior is okay, and I don't know the full story. But your example of your 5 year old exclaiming delight at an ornament that belongs to SD14, and what SD said in response isn't so terrible.
My younger sisters looked up to me. They were annoying. They wanted to touch my stuff and often tried to claim or take over stuff that had been mine for a long time. They were a lot younger than me and it was annoying AF that they would have a sense of entitlement that my parents didn't check because they were younger than me and I should be more patient.
I repeat, I don't know the full story. I don't know what villanous deeds SD14 has perpetrated before this incident. But I do believe your (as described in this post) rather normal dynamic is compounded by her not being your bio child. Her presence and any "normal" sibling behavior is going to get your momma bear hackles up.
SD14 is actually entitled to treasure and keep safe all of HER Christmas ornaments. She shouldn't be required to "share" or "be more patient" with younger siblings she had no say in bringing into her life.
She should not be allowed to get away with genuinely crappy behavior, but, at the same time, your littles need to learn that SD is fully allowed to have things that they are not allowed to touch.
Females between the ages of 11 and 21 can be the most awful creatures. Surly, impatient, irritable. I know because I was one and I raised my own flesh and blood little monster. She's now 30 and is quite delightful.
Before you come at me with stories of how truly monstrous SD14 is, please take a minute to recall what you were like at that age and how you feel if some little kids were thrust upon you and they are chatting your ear off, trying to touch your stuff and their bio mom, who is not your bio mom, is grimacing like an irritated momma bear and monitoring every facial expression, tone of voice and word you say.
((hugs))
Thanks I do really appreciate
Thanks I do really appreciate this point of view and I expect some points to be just that, but also if you have time read my other blogs on how she acts. I just can't seem to shake watching her pure jealous and angry malicious behavior toward my little girl, or kids. She's been horrible to SS9 in the past calling him every name in the book like short gay faggot no one likes him midget loser ugly, and his mother is not there to protect him as he has another mother and she used to be really jealous of him too because he was the one born after her so she's had other siblings born prior to our Littles and has been through this rodeo three times now. His mother is disgusted with the names she's called him. As it does really help to get another perspective, I just can't seem to snake it sometimes
Snotty behavior is normal.
Snotty behavior is normal. Malicious and abusive behavior is not, although in my sibling dynamic, calling each other names was normal. However, if my parents had heard it, we would have gotten into big trouble!!
I think your spouse's behavior is far worse, however, and it sounds as if he's contributing to the problem.
I would just urge you to see this young woman as a product of her parents plus she's not being properly checked for her bad behavior, and don't take it personally. Also teach your littles that her behavior is not their fault, but to give her space and lower their expectations of her. I think we as parents need to do a better job of teaching our kids how to deal with difficult people. It's a great life skill to be able to not take another person's behavior personally and to set boundaries for our own well being.
It's hard, but maybe try to focus on protecting your kids from the malice and abuse, but not getting your hackles up for "normal" sibling jealousy and rivalry. And if your spouse were more supportive and a better father, he would never throw you under the bus in front of any of the kids.
We were not allowed to fight or be disrespectful to each other.
If we fought, when dad got home we had to fight him. Fighting our USMC dad was not something we ever wanted to do. So, we treated each other to the standards our parents demanded.
That I am 6yrs the elder and care very much for my brother probably minimized much of the risk. Besides, it is a good thing he and I never fought when he got into his mid to late teens. He is like my dad and can instantly engage in overwhelming violence. It is not as intuitive to me as it is to my brother and our dad. I can do it, I just have to think about it. For them it is instant instict.
I kind of get this
I have a younger sister by 6 yrs who happens to be a narcissist. She was spoiled to a certain extent by my parents and was the favored one. I always was told to watch over her, let her play with me despite her violent temper.
My parents would passively pit us against each other and also compare us with others..."why can't you be more like so and so?"
The only difference is that this dynamic is much more strong and prevalent in "blended" families and easily becomes unbearably toxic. Forced interaction is never good and I fear that these guilty daddies, who abide by the "one big happy family" model (TM) have their heads in a dark and unsanitary place.
As a SM to SDiabla24&26 I can
As a SM to SDiabla24&26 I can say that what you are experiencing is very typical with a teen girl with an entitled BM. My SD's were signed up for every activity imaginable with the difference being that DH was in charge of waking them up, feeding them and running them to and fro. He didn't expect me to take on ANY of his parenting duties. (I did make family dinner for them but if they weren't here on time then they could help themselves to leftovers in the frig.)
You have to understand that you are the only one who can't stand SD because you are the only one with a front row seat of what is going on behind closed doors. Everyone else will be charmed by her priviledged little butt and in the rare instance others have access to see what a brat she is they can just walk away and don't have to deal with her day in, day out like you do.
I get that it is annoying to see SD have things that the other kids don't get but reality is that life isn't fair, even to our own BK's and the sooner we accept that the better. BM and SD's getting more right now is not important, it truely doesn't matter. Life has a way of coming full circle.
On the bright side, both SDiablas's got into great colleges, (in part because of all the annoying extracurricular activites) moved out, and are now reasonably independent and/or mooch off of BM instead of us because they know BM will at least pretend to give them princess status and allow them to be queen bees and run her household. (BM is quite stupid and happy to have SD's superior reasoning ability to help her figure her own life out and to be her emotional support system.) They all deserve each other. They are "mean girl" passive aggressive phony women.
You do have a serious DH problem. He should not be throwing you under the bus. I would tell him that since he doesn't trust your parenting of his daughter that you will be relinquishing the reins and he is now responsible for all things SD, waking, feeding, driving, and so on. Your young children need you. You are busy.
AMEN!
Wow I can remember when Chef would throw me under the bus and chastise me continually in front of his 3 ferals. Hell he even tried to get my grown son on "his side" more than once. He'd be a great PASer as he's even said stuff to my DGD like "don't listen to Nana!"
I slowly disengaged and he was furious but when he had to deal with HIS brats all alone and realized they had NO respect nor love for him after all, he started to see the light.
Disengage!
Also enrolling skid in every activity under the sun is right out of the HCGUBM PAS playbook. In this way the HCGUBM gets to control YOUR family from afar, get extracurricular CS, keeps skid from having downtime bonding at your house and it makes her look like MOTY to her adoring fans.
Start slowly... don't announce your disengagement as it sounds like your H is a classic guilty daddy w/minispouse. Stop taking her to games/events, stop waking her up... she most likely has a phone and an alarm can be set, start "missing" her games/events. Gradually stop cooking/cleaning for her. Let daddykins do the heavy lifting while you focus on your two.
Think of the message your H is sending YOUR kids by teaching them to disrespect you, especially when his biological extrusion is around.
Also make sure you are never alone with SD without daddykins being there AND never allow SD to be alone with your bios!