"Bonding with a Kid Who's Bound to Break Your Heart"

I think that title pretty much says it all. This was and still is a big issue with me, and I've been telling David since day one that I'm afraid of getting too close to Dante because he's just going to be another boy who I would fall in love with and who would break my heart. Of course that didn't stop me from falling head over heels for him, because he's just such a lovable kid. And the fact that I love him hasn't stopped him from throwing me under the bus on numerous occasions, just recently with my mother in law too, TWICE. Once when David and I decided to spend a day to ourselves for our anniversary, Dante claimed that I was mean to him to my mother in law, and just the other day when he didn't want to practice the piano and wanted instead to play on his playstation, he proclaimed loudly that he's quitting the piano therefore he doesn't have to practice because I said it was ok, which is not what I said, and he misconstrued what we talked about to suit his needs. Thankfully David was there when I had this conversation with him so he quickly corrected the situation when my mother in law called him in a frenzy of "What is Lissette telling this poor child!?"

This chapter is all about the things kids will say, how they will ignore you in the presense of their bio-mom, and how you like you're not really sure what your role in the family is. You get the inevitable, "my mom doesn't do it like that!", or the "she's not my mom!" in public when someone proclaims what a wonderful mom the child has, or whatever the statement may be.

What hit a nerve with me was the "unrequited wave". That is, let's say, that you are seeing your step child perform at a school function, one in which you and your husband are at, as well as the bio mom. Once he's done, you get up, clap and cheer loudly, and wave at your step child, but he/she ignores you out of loyalty to bio mom. Then when it's all over, he goes running up to the bio's and again ignores you. This hit a nerve because I'm custodial and bio mom has had nothing to do with Dante in a very long time, so if this were to happen to me, I would be crushed. It's especially hard in my situation because I know Dante would be stuck in the middle of a really nasty thing if something like this were to happen because he would feel loyalty towards his mother, he would feel love towards me, and he would be nervous about the scene that his mother would cause because she can't stand to be around me because of her jealousy.

Dante had wanted to perform in the years talent show toward the end of the school year last year. He had e-mailed his mother to let her know what his plans were and to invite her. Towards the end of the e-mail, he let her know that he invited his grandparents, and that David and I would be there, but to not worry that she could just ignore me. I know what he meant, he meant to say that he wanted her to be there and she could sit somewhere else and be there for him, not me, but it still stung to hear that because I knew what would happen. It all be about 'mom' and since he's been deprived her affection, he would be yearning for her love and affection, and he would be disappointed yet again and I would get all the love and affecton, only once we got home and were out of sight of her.

The most important thing you need to remember, as this chapter says, is that this is not your child. He/she has a mother, whether she's a good one or not, and you are there to make sure the he's taken care of. You are a co-pilot in his life, and akin to a really nice aunt, but you are not his mother.