Playing "Uncle"
In case you don't know, SS11 is visiting for the summer. Hooray. I don't let him and DS5 play in their rooms with the door closed, because I don't trust SS.
What just happened only proves why.
I was cooking dinner and DH was playing video games and suddenly we hear DS screaming bloody murder. Ran to his room where he was on the floor and SS was two feet away looking guilty as sin. Asked what happened and he started with "I just...I um....we were playing a game....i......."
DH: "WHAT HAPPENED?! What did you do?"
SS: "well, uh, He hurt himself."
DS: (Between sobs) "Nooooo-"
SS: "Okay, okay, well, I was um.... I was trying to make him say uncle."
love: (While checking DS) "You mean you were holding his arm behind his back?"
SS: "Yeah, um, and....uh, I accidentally twisted it"
I stood there to make sure DH would handle it. He ripped into him about how we DO NOT "play" that in our house. It ISN'T a game it is child abuse. "I dunno who taught you "Uncle" but..."
After thoroughly checking DS I went back to cooking. DH came in and went back to playing his video games. After dinner I asked "Did you give him a punishment?"
DH looked puzzled. "....What do you think is fair??"
SERIOUSLY!? This kid HURTS our son and he couldn't even give him a punishment to fit the crime.
I told him I dunno, but in my house deliberately hurting another person will not be tolerated.
He ended up taking away his iPad and cell phone and then proceeded to ask me for how long it should be taken for.
I said IMO you should keep it for the rest of the time he's here. It will also keep him from telling BM about everything and starting fights, etc. (that was in my last blog) He didn't saying anything.
But now he's acting like nothing happened. Even let SS have fruit roll-ups.
I am still fuming.
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I never let SS8 and DS4 play
I never let SS8 and DS4 play in the room with the door closed either. DH is on board with it because of too many similar incidents like yours. As far as DH acting like everything is all good now, my DH does the same. He says once the punishment is given, as long as it's followed through, you shouldn't continue punishing the child. I have a hard time with this as well, especially if it is a safety concern for the little ones, but I see where he's coming from too.
ETA: we have now gotten to the point that it has happened so many times that DH told SS that if ANYTHING physical happens, he goes straight back to BMs. End of story. But with the minor things, he gives the punishment, then back to being the fun guy. It's annoying, but I understand him wanting to enjoy what time he has.
You're right, I do need to
You're right, I do need to be careful. What really got to me was that consequences hadn't even crossed his mind until I asked. He was just gonna get away with being a bully and physically hurting my son, and It baffles me. Had it been any other kid you can bet DH would be on it. Also it ticked me off that SS would even TRY to lie about it.
My only criticism is that you
My only criticism is that you need to let it go when you give over the control to your DH to decide on the proper punishment. I'm guilty of this myself. SS will do something that he knows he isn't suppose to do; I tell DH to handle it and he handles it to HIS satisfaction. Sometimes he will ask me what I think or what would I do if it were SS and I would tell him what I would do. Sometimes he does what I ask but not execute it with the precision I personally would have done it and I get ruffled just as you did. You-we need to learn to let it go once we decide we aren't going to be responsible for their discipline. Your DH did more than most and did take most of your advice. Now you need to let it go and move on. It was taken care of even if you don't like how it was done.
I read something somewhere that I have to remind myself a lot when SS4 is acting out; it was to the effect of: Parents should discipline their children to the point of effectiveness but should also forgive and move forward after the punishments are atoned for. So when I caught SS4 walking on top of his art table, I took the WiiU from him and told him it was time for bed. In the morning he will ask if he can play games and I will say yes because I cant keep punishing him for something he did (to him) forever ago.
I have a lot of experience
I have a lot of experience with much older steps acting inappropriately with a younger child. There are two ways to ensure your child is safe from this bully.
1. The bully can never be more than five feet away from his father.
Or
2. You have to keep your son within your eyeshot at all times when The Bully is in your house.
Personally I don't think the onus should be on you. And I think what is bothering you is knowing the consequence didn't correlate with the Bully's actions and you fear there will be another incident--and you're right on both counts.
Please tell me these two aren't sharing a room.
You need to have a conversation with DH in advance of the next bullying incident about which one of you is going to be responsible for being on high alert at all times the Bully is in the house with DS5. And what an appropriate consequence is for bullying behavior. I think stripping the bully's room down to nothing and a few days of "detention" staring at walls is a good start. Combined with some serious physical labor like shoveling dirt or washing windows. Make him too tired to have the energy to beat up on a kid six years younger than him.