Anyone have a decent relationship with BM?
After reading many posts, I feel I may be fortunate that my DH and BD did not have much of a relationship - it was a 2 month fling - so there is very little "baggage" in that area. BD was very involved from the beginning - going to and paying for doctors visits, (they briefly discussed living together but BM decided against it). DH and BM made efforts to meet eachothers families,spend holidays together, etc...then BM decided they did not have a future and should not date....DH still said he would be there for her, wants to help with baby, would call to see how she was doing, if he could do anything etc...then BM said too many times "just stop calling me-leave me alone" so DH did. I met DH 1 month later...they were 6mos pregnant and my thought was well, this is not ideal but we'll just see where this goes (we were married 20 mos later.) BM finally reached out right before birth but with very different attitude and lawyers were mentioned and then hired 2 days after birth, etc.... Needless to say the first year after baby was born was extremely difficult - lots of baseless horrible things said by BM that I to this day have a really hard time forgetting or forgiving, BUT.... things have gradually gotten better, exchanges are civil and even friendly ....BM even accepted our invitation to watch fireworks on the Fourth with us - it was BM, DH, SS2 and me...I was over the moon happy that she did that and DH got to do that with SS2, SS2 clung to him but had fun and BM sat next to me and shared photos and video of SS2...since then sh has even told DH what a great father he is , how much SS2 loves him and that she even likes me! I hope this is just the beginning but can't help feeling guarded after stuff we went thru that first 18 mos. And let me further share that I have done my best to be respectful of BM no matter what she has said or done and generally follow DH's lead of not engaging in assumptions or emotional rants by BM. She is mommy, DH is Daddy and SS2 calls me by my first name only - no version of Mommy ...I am not his mom but will treat him like he is my son...and we have directed extended family to respect these standards as well. I know several friends of mine have admitted they were mentally and emotionally unbalanced after childbirth to the point of irrational and that would explain some of BM's behavior but I still have a hard time excusing it. Just hoping that's all it is and looking for some encouraging examples from others who have developed consistently tolerable, or even great relationships between BM, DH and SM...I'm aiming for 'Great' myself!
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BM and I have a good
BM and I have a good relationship. It has taken us 7 years to get here, but we have a very good relationship. And I have to credit her for most of it.
I am a VERY active stepmom. I am involved in everything regarding my SS. I go to all school meeting, hell, I even schedule them when I think they are needed. I email his teachers frequently I schedule Dr's appt and Dentist appt. And it isn't because BM doesn't have custody, it is 50/50. She just doesn't always take care of business the way it should be. At first it REALLY pissed her off, so after I would do something, she would get mad, then I would back off... let her do her "mom" thing. Then usually a month later, something else would happen... I would end up having to take care of it, and she would get mad. It was a vicious cycle. After a few years of this pattern my DH had a talk with her, and told her that she may as well just get used to it, since she can't seem to get her shit together that he was not going to worry about me stepping on her toes anymore. She gets it... she is irresponsible. She doesn't pay attention to her son (whom nearly failed the 2nd grade last year) and she knows that SS loves me, and I love him. And anything I do is for HIM and not out of spite.
She texted DH for the first time in MONTHS yesterday to tell him she is going out of town for 7 days next month and ask if we would keep SS on her days. Then she called me and talked to me about it. It is just what works for us. She will give him the information, and then work the details out with me. DH works out of state several days a week, when he is not home SS still comes and stays with me.
That's awesome! It's great
That's awesome!
It's great when everybody is mature, mentally stable, etc...
Well, the reason I credit her
Well, the reason I credit her for having a good relationship with me is because SHE really had to come to terms with the fact that she was not doing a good job of raising him on her end. And that the one who takes care of the kids issues (school, Dr's, Dentist etc) in our house... is ME. SHE really had to get used to it, SHE had to put her insecurities aside SHE had to just deal with it, and she has done well with it. On the same token though, she knows I would do anything for SS, because I love him. I would (and do) also do anything I can to help HER because when she is stressed/ frazzled/ depressed WHATEVER, it really affects SS. It is all for what is best for SS.
I have an ok relationship
I have an ok relationship with BM of SD14 and an excellent relationship with BM of SD6. Read "Noones the bitch" if you havent already. I read it and then gave it to SD6's BM and she is half way through it now and loving it. You dont get alot of support from family, friends, or even others on this board when you get along with BM....people just dont get it. It is not the norm. It doesnt mean that you dont still have frustrations or things to vent about....you will. It cant be perfect all of the time. It sure is nice though not to have to worry about PAS, parental kidnapping, psychotic ranting and raving in your driveway, being snubbed at events...etc...which is alot of what families that cant work together and co-parent have to deal with.
I tried to have a decent
I tried to have a decent relationship with BM but SHE blew it by being a jerk to me on numerous occasions (and for no reason other than she sucks). She did apologize to me for her poor behavior, but I know that it was not heartfelt and would really have no desire to be this woman's friend even if I didn't even know DH and SS.
I can honestly say though that if DH and I ever split and he had a new GF/Wife whatever, that I would make every attempt to have a good relationship with her for our BS1.. I mean why wouldn't you want that?? But I guess that is because I am a sane, logical, nice person. I wouldn't expect BM to know the definition of any of those words.
Despite my VERY ill feelings
Despite my VERY ill feelings towards her because of the type of mother and woman she is, the constant change of schedules, the PAS, the "have it all my way'-she's narcissitic and a bully...and how she has hurt my bf in many ways----I PERSONALLY do not interact with her much if at all.
I think the last time I spoke to her was in Nov at SD's bday. We are not on eachothers FB, we dont' speak on the phone, I do not go to pick up/drop off exchanges either. I see/hear directly-very little of her. So I guess I'm actually lucky
I really would like to keep it this way.
Ignoredsm, You bring up a
Ignoredsm,
You bring up a good situation....how would you have liked SM to handle that? I find this line of responsibility hard to define....I'm not the parent but I have the same responsibilities as a parent when SS2 is with us. Right now things are pretty straight forward like, don't hit, don't bite, time for bath, etc...DH and I both coach, re-direct and sometimes appropriately discipline SS2 when needed. But how do I open the door to more communication regarding development and behavior issues without being overbearing? I know my DH should be at the forefront of this but at the end of the day, he is a man, and does not always think about, let alone ask about, things like when is pull-ups on the agenda?..or when will SS2 transitions from crip to bed?...just wondering if anyone has successfully navigated this type of situation...
I don't even think I could
I don't even think I could classify it as a "relationship", let alone good or bad.
In the early days, I would always greet BM if we were at SK's sporting events, and even then she would just look right thru me. I tried to accomodate her 2am phone calls (drunk) to talk to the SK's when they were with us (no sense getting pissed at a drunk, she probably wouldn't remember what I said anyways), dumping the kids on us at the last minute when she knew darn well we had plans, calling to complain about something stupid just to be calling, and numerous other things she'd do just to piss on my trees.
But I drew the line when she felt she had a RIGHT to walk around my house uninvited, looking behind doors and in cabinets. Or refer to me in front of her kids (and me) as "fat ass". Low class? Um, NO CLASS.
Now, I don't even "see" her even if we are in the same room. I have no time for her and her antics. Most of the time I don't even act like I hear what she's saying to DH (well, you KNOW I HEAR it, but I just don't let it register on my face), regardless of the content - like referring to him as "Honey", acting like MOTY when my inlaws are around (they aren't fooled, and we get a good chuckle out of it), and other such nonsense.
Drama queens are only at their best when they have an audience, so why give her one?
blech.....
I get along with BM1 fine,
I get along with BM1 fine, now. We have celebrated some big events in SD's life together. It wasn't always this way, though. It took years. I had to mature, she had to accept I was "the other woman" in her daughter's life. It was a slow process, BUT I learned a lot about myself through it.
Man, looking back at the younger me, I just shake my head and think, "why was I like that?" Live and learn.