Your H thinks since SD comes from a bad home (assuming BM) that she shouldn't be expected to know these things? So what he's saying is that SD shouldn't be expected to know that it's not appropriate to take other people's belongings without permission? These things have to be taught and shut down ASAP!

I personally don't agree with embarrassing her at school. If SD was addressed and made clear not to take other peoples belongings & that there will be consequences, for now that should be enough. As her father I would question why you felt the need to go to that extent? Is she constantly stealing?

Also, if you feel she is feral and your H is not disciplining his child like you would like....do you really want to have a child with this man?

I also think you did good.  Since her parents are epic failures, someone needs to teach her YOUR boundaries and that has to be you.  She took the books to school so of course you needed to get them back and I'm sure the staff has seen worse.  I'm also sure they didn't bat an eye at your method.  

One of the worst memories I have from the beginning of blending was the property issues.  Namely mine.  My stuff was up for grabs and no real consequences for damages but when my bios left DH's 80's boom box on the deck and it rained, then there was some anger on his part and absolutely none from me.  

Set and enforce this rule in place now and make it ironclad.  So many stories of older skids stealing baby toys and stuff, tween girls using make up and expensive shampoos and such.  Its annoying and expensive.  

Another thing too that I have issue with is your man not caring or bothering to teach his daughter about other people's stuff.  What if she took something from someone at school???  Would he take it more seriously then?  These are character traits that need to be taught at home, not at school.  Take a hard look at where else he is failing SD as a father and prepare yourself to be the only parent for any children you have with him.  

I don't think what you did was out of line, though Phase 3 for me would be locking the baby room so SD can't get in there until she earns back trust (if she ever does that).

My personal philosophy with kids is to address a behavior boldly the first time and ease up as they improve. Too many people treats kids like employees where you get a verbal warning, then written, then a PIP, and then termination. No, kids don't have the ability to self-correct the way adults do, so you have to be stern and show the bad upfront so they learn. With kids, it's teaching them how to human, not giving them opportunities to human better. They don't know better, so you have to strike hard and fast (figuratively speaking, I'm not advocating beating kids).

"He said that she hasn't been taught to not take other peoples things and that when he told that to sd9 she was very confused as to why taking other people's things were an issue."

SERIOUSLY?????!!!!!

NO WAY SHOULD THIS GUY BE A PARENT!!!!

I think you did just fine.  Some might think the embarrassment at school was overkill, but I think it was just what was necessary for her to understand the gravity of what she had done.  And I'm sure no one at school thought twice about it.  In fact, the teacher might be happy to see there is someone in the feral child's life who is trying to teach her right from wrong.  As long as the two of you were fine afterwards (and giving her a hug was just the right touch), I think the lesson was taught well.  

It sounds like you're going to have to keep on your husband, though.  His idea that because she comes from a bad home she shouldn't have consequences is messed up.  Plus the home she came from is at least partly his!!!!  If he was raised feral, he really doesn't know, so you're going to be teaching him along with SD.   That seems exhausting to me, but my DH often needs some teaching, too.

Reminds me of the time SD stole my mascara and DH tried hard to act as if SD didn't do it.  I found my mascara in her dresser in her room.  He even tried to blame our YDS that was like 2 maybe.  When he finally confronted her he found out from BM that SD had also been taking her make up.  It was like his mind couldn't believe that SD would do something like that intentionally.  Ugh!  

There is nothing wrong with teaching a child not to steal.  They need to learn that it is wrong.  I don't see anything wrong with how you handled the situation.  

He said that she hasn't been taught to not take other peoples things and that when he told that to sd9 she was very confused as to why taking other people's things were an issue.

SD is 9. She has been to school for a few years. There is no way that she does not know not to take things that do not belong to you. 

DH should be sure she knows not to take other people's things (aka stealing). Or  she may wind up being told this by a judge in the future.

You have a serious DH problem. In what world is it ok for a 9 year old to not know stealing is wrong? 

I think going to school was way out of line unless you're ready for this backlash the child, you, and everyone involved in general will feel. 

You just dumped your dirty laundry in the front office. If that was your intent then good for you but since I don't know enough of your story I cant think it's not over the top.

Yes it needed to be dealt with but I don't agree with public shaming.

DH has never understood why my things are my things and I don't want them randomly taken.  This was an ongoing issue with SDs from the beginning.  It's a little better now because I, myself, laid down the law, had talkes of no-uncertain terms with both SDs and DH AND installed some locking cabinets.  They never understood why, if it's anywhere in the house then it's a free-for-all.  NO it does not work that way.

So after the locks went on in the laundry room, anything that disappeared DH replaced, period.  The latest things that have gone missing were some dish towels (since shown back up) and 6 of my set of 8 rubber coasters. ?? Just gone.  At least my good ones are still here.

This girl has never probably owned a book in her life. She is unlikely to know the value of a loved possession. She took the books because she either like reading or connects them to you. When she took them to school this is called "bridging".  Taking a favoured possession to school to remind the child of a good safe place. Taking her to school was an overkill. Embarrassing her in front of her teacher?

This is how I would handle this ... Explain to her these are special books you have saved since you were a child and they are very important to you. Then offer to take her to the local goodwill shop and she can choose 5 suitable books for her own collection. Get her a basket for the books while you are there.

I understand you want her to leave your baby room alone. However what does she have at your place that she can call her own? It isn't her fault she got the crapl-draw on parents. But just maybe you can be the positive influence in her life. Not her mother but someone she can talk to. She doesn't sound like a bad kid. Rather a girl who is occupying the edges of life. Probably not a lot of friends at school. No social behaviour skills, no consistency in her life. You can offer her a push in the right direction.. Or not. Just remember your decision once you have your own child. You are one heartbeat away from your child being raised by someone else. 

I think you handled it correctly.  Young children are able to learn the rules in different settings.   She needs to respect you. 

You. Had no choice to do it. Or this would never stop.  This does not mean this problem is solve. 

In your first blog you complained that SD was not reading to grade level and you were going to do some things to help her increase her reading skills. Is there a chance she has taken reading to heart and was trying to read on her own - both at home and at school? Does she have any books of her own? Did either of you ask why she took the books?

I am a huge book lover and have hundreds of books. I do understand the sentimental value of books - but maybe your SD doesn't. Maybe she took the books to read in an effort to please you - not realizing their sentimental value.

And I do think you went way overboard shaming her at school - especially for a first offense involving books.

I'

I was angry for you while I read this and even angrier for you after reading some of these comments. From SD's positive reaction, it's clear this kid craves boundaries and consequences. All kids do, but the feral ones especially want someone to be in charge. It's super stressful for kids when they don't have rules or consequences. 

Nothing you did was malicious and SD *needs* and wants a parent who isn't an insecure idiot letting her do whatever she wants. 

I'm not going to assume you don't let her read any of your books because that's insane and no true book lover would do that to a kid. But I completely understand being upset that these books were taken out of the baby's room. Miscarriages are brutal. It's also clear to me that you "lost your mind" on dh, not sd, because his reaction was straight up stupid. What kind of mental disabilities does the man have that he can't understand why this would upset you on the heels of losing a pregnancy??  I'd like to shake the shit out of him, to be frank.

DSo thinks like this....kids should just know what to do and not do.  That's why the SS20 is homeless and no one wants him to live with them, parents just let the kids learn it on their own.

My own BS was tough to punish.  He didn't like video games enough to matter if they were taken away.  Pops on the behind didn't work and sending him to his room never mattered.   But I sure found out what his currency was....he hated to he embarrassed.   He would act up in a store and I couldn't get him to settle down.  Until, however. I stopped trying to correct him quietly and made it big enough for people to stare.  He hated that and from that moment on I had what worked.

My DH is like yours.  He didn't want his precious spawn to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.  When MSS and OSs stole feom my son I demanded he make them apologize.  His response was to say he didn't want to embarrass them.  Really???  I made it clear that embarrassing them is exactly what they need and just maybe they would think twice before doing it again.    
Now DH realizes he raised A$)holes.   He doesn't like the people they have become and adores my BS.   
I say go for it.  If she has done this directly to you and your things you handle it as you see fit.