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The vicious cycle

LittlePanda's picture

Submitted by LittlePanda on Mon, 04/07/2014 - 12:38pm

This can be a weekly event or even a daily one...

I wake up feeling angry and resentful of my step situation.

I might take it out on my husband, or I might not. I might be mean.

I feel guilty for saying or feeling certain things.

I apologize or just sit there feeling guilty.

I go through the rest of the day, accepting my situation in life.

I fall asleep, placated.

I wake up the next day and the whole thing repeats.

What do I do?

Comments

lillfiredog's picture

Submitted by lillfiredog on Mon, 04/07/2014 - 1:00pm

I am the exact same way. I wake up every morning pissed off about my situation. About BM, SS's and DH. I obsess over and over about things that I never talk about, deal with or whatever. I lost myself in this shit, especially after the teen SS's moved in with us, BM keeps our CS, and DH does almost nothing.
Some days are worse than others, I try hard to just live my life, enjoy my BD, my doggies and the few friends I have.
I have no good advice for you .... It has been a year since this all happened, and it is NOT getting better, it is just becoming more secretive (DH tells me less and less) and I cut BM out as much as I possibly can. I do laundry, clean and cook and try really hard not to be angry all the time. Because at the end of the day, they don't give a flying fuck if you are happy. You have to make you happy.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Submitted by Helena.Handbasket on Mon, 04/07/2014 - 1:17pm

I agree. I was like this too. Completely obsessed. Little by little I had to let it go. Ignore all the drama I was being told. Stop offering advice, stop giving advice when specifically asked. They stop telling you things, which I preferred. I don't care why BM is stupid. She's stupid, I've moved on. I started only focusing on myself since everyone else was only focused on themselves. Seems to have worked. Took about 6 months for me to get really stable and not worry so much.

I've been lashing out a bit lately but that's because SO has been bothering me all on his own. He seems to be responding and trying to be better, so we'll see.

tessa12's picture

Submitted by tessa12 on Mon, 04/07/2014 - 2:20pm

^^^ this. Have a LONG sit down with DH and talk about your pasts, present, and future. Just the two of you, a bottle of wine and just talk everything out. List what you want, what you don't, what should change. I find like most things in life, it's cyclical. And I know it sounds cheesy, but try focusing on the positive. What you do well as a family, a couple...I have been there, and one day you just need to realize, this is killing me. I don't want to think like this anymore, and you start slowly to see things differently.

xo.

SMto2's picture

Submitted by SMto2 on Mon, 04/07/2014 - 9:59pm

Oh, I can so relate! My biggest "obsession" is the whopping CS we've paid every 2 weeks for over 15 years--approaching $300K out of pocket now. I have tried so hard to just "forget it" and not let it eat away at me. It feels like it has dragged on FOREVER, and obviously, 15 years is a VERY long time! We are down to just 39 DAYS, and each day now feels like a year! I have wished so many times I could just put it out of my head and enjoy life. The only thing that does work is staying busy, and I've spent those 15 years building my legal career and raising my and DH's 2 children. I find it pops into my head during my "down time," either driving to work, in the shower, before I go to sleep at night. Staying busy definitely helps.

My other thought that I've blogged about recently is my hope that once the CS is really over, I can go on and enjoy my life and not resent and dwell on what HAS BEEN. I think I can do that. I hope you can enjoy your life as well. One thing I realize is that life is short, so it is so very important to try to enjoy what you can. Focus on your husband, your great relationship and all the positives in your life. I have definitely said I would take the step situation 100% of the time in order to have my DH, who is the love of my life, and I mean that. And as we are getting close to this huge financial burden being lifted from him, I see him feeling happier and his mood being lighter than ever. So try to focus on the positives and enjoy the good things in your life.

usedup1's picture

Submitted by usedup1 on Mon, 04/07/2014 - 10:32pm

It sounds like exactly what I went thru! Those feelings started to take over my everyday life! I would think "how on earth could one person or two cause me to be soneone im not"? For the first time in my life I sought counceling for myself. Been to therapy w DH over his issues, but I was unaware of mine at the time. I've raised 3 kids of my own, and they respect DH and know how to respect period! I had never gone thru so much turmoil in my life as I had with SD. What bothered me the most was I felt the life being sucked out of me, while SD and DH seemed to be fine! I figured out later, they were used to drama, I was not. I didnt like the person or devious thoughts I had. I became depressed.
It took 2 therapists before I found the right one.
im sure everybody here wonders, " why didnt I leave"?
I didnt have any strength to leave. And when I did find the strength, I was charmed back in with promises of changing.
The therapist quickly noticed I had signs of PTSD.
at this time, SD moved to the State her BM lives. Thank God.
I only had the pleasure of SD presence for 8 months, as I had my own home. I chose to disengage, but I used that time to go back to school, "night classes". Disengaging will help you emotionally, but, your still not free.
when you disengage, USE that time to better you!
not dinner w friends, or escaping to moms house, etc. When the skids get ub Der your nerves!!! Take your power back!!!
Use any time you have to either educate yourself more, or finding things that give you passion,!! Find what it is you love to do, and the money will follow!! Better yourself thru disengagement! !! Get your Real Estate license, or any kind of license!!! Instead of allowing the people in your life who suck the life out of you, disengage by putting anything back into you? Who knows? With all the degrees you may have , you can make a choices for your future, and not feel so trapped!!!
I feel for you. And I hope this helps. I've been in your shoes! I know!