PLEASE HELP ME!!

I'm a thirty year old mother of two, and recent step mother of a little five
year old boy. My husband is a homicide detective. This marriage has been such
a friggin' disappointment, I can't even say. My husband never disclosed the
issues we're facing with his son.....and I'm so disgusted with the entire
situation, I have a feeling that after this weekend, we are through.

His child doesn't have a few issues....he is disturbed. He makes death
references that his "friends" Bryan and Alyssa want to kill him at school.
What's even more odd? Bryan and Alyssa DON'T EXIST. They are in this kid's
head. This isn't an issue of a child having a little separation anxiety. He is
truly mentally disturbed. Every day he has 3 to 5 MEGA MELTDOWNS.

What am I doing? My stepson has soooo many problems...and on top of it, the
child can't stand me. He wakes up and I say "Good morning! Did you have sweet
dreams?". His response? "Oh. It's you." He wont look me in the eyes if I speak
to him, he just sticks out his tongue and walks away. He has daily meltdowns,
screaming, crying, unconsolable. I mandated to DH that he had to be in therapy
because I truly believe he has serious issues and the behavior is out of
control. His resentment of me is so obvious. I'm having night terrors that he
kills my baby. He sticks his tongue out at me, pulls at his genitals, saying
na na na na na to me. He has violent outbursts with my 4 yr old......I keep
trying...but I'm losing the DESIRE to try. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm angry. I'm
becoming resentful. I'm ready to have a nervous breakdown. DH is so torn: he
sees the behavior and how I'm treading water with him and doesn't know what
more to do. And honestly, he's doing all he CAN DO at this point. Now it's a
matter of time.

My children are getting less attention than ever because of the issues with
this child, and I feel guilty because they shouldn't have to be pushed aside
because of a child with behavioural and emotional issues has suddenly entered
the household. It's unfair that my kids, that are relatively well-adjusted and
well-behaved have to be pushed aside because of this kid's issues.....and it's
tearing us apart. I'm tired of having to placate a child that has no empathy,
social skills, manners or understanding of right and wrong.

Then, in one quick instant....he's an angel, sweet and kind. I have been
wrecked with guilt over it.

I am losing my hair, having anxiety attacks, and don't trust my husband's
judgement as a father. I know that I may sound shallow....but I DID NOT SIGN ON
FOR THIS. I believe in full disclosure, and did not receive it. I have gone
above and beyond here, but I should not and will not be responsible for the
mess he, his family and his exwife have created. Child or not. How right is
that to do to my exisiting children?

I am pregnant, to top it all off. My husband said he won't choose between his
son and I - as he shouldn't. That he will leave if I abort. I am not
comfortable bringing another child in this situation. More that a few times,
my husband has said that he never wanted his son in the first place. That he
took custody because the mother was a drug addict.....but he wants THIS baby.
OUR baby. I may be mistaken, but babies aren't a chance for parental "Do-
Overs". Parent the one you have! Be the advocate for the one you have!

There's no choice here. I'm spiraling downward over this....I feel so guilty,
as a mother and a wife. But quite frankly...I cannot endure this. I won't do
this to my children. When I divorced, I had my daughter in therapy 2 times a
week for a year to help her through. That was MY responsibility as a mother.
Now I have to clean up their mess?! I don't think so. I feel like I've been
recruited because I am a good mom....and in turn, have been expected to be the
advocate of someone else's child. I didn't ask for this in my first year of
marriage, but I did ask for honesty....and have not been given that when it
comes to my stepson. Was it purposeful and malintended? I don't believe so.
I really think my husband has had his head in the sand for so long, that he
just didn't understand the seriousness of issues.

I am not a psychiatrist, but these issues arent just hyperactivity. He pulls
his genitals, and has shoved his penis in my face, is defiant, puts his tongue
in the mouths of women who try to give him a kiss (which I just found out has
been a repeated behavior and is not new), is overly sexual with women that goes
beyond being cute, has strange attachments to inanimate objects and thinks that
they have feelings toward him, has sudden unprovoked violent outbursts, talks
like a baby, is paranoid and thinks people are coming into our house to kill
him, cannot write his name and do other five year old tasks, won't make eye
contact with his own father or anyone else, and is hateful toward me.

It took me seven months to finally convince my husband that this child needs
help. He needs intensive therapy, and more time with his mother (we've had
custody). I introduced my husband to my time sharing schedule, and he agreed
that it may benefit his son. I feel that's a definite.

I am so broken hearted. For me, my children, my husband, and his son. I
honestly feel this is more than I can bear, though. I am not the woman for
this job.. I don't want to hurt the man I love so very much, but on top of all
of this, he has not made one financial contribution to our family. That's
placed an even more intense amount of strain on me. Please help. Does my
decision to end this marriage, cut my losses, and try to move on with my
children before more damage is done make sense?