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Same care--- different outcome

godess-clueless's picture

Submitted by godess-clueless on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 7:24am

The son of my husband's nephew died recently in a car crash. He was in the military and would have been out soon. Everyone is still in a state of shock and my heart goes out to the family as they make the funeral arrangements. Why is this so different then a step situation? When I married my husband 12 years ago it left the house I owned vacant.[Next to his house] His parents were divorced and Bryan's dad had custody. I was the one who made sure Bryan came over to eat meals with us, helped with his homework, talked with his teachers,signed all his paperwork,took him shopping and drove him where he needed to go. There was never any sense of negative feelings for the role I played in his life. Not even from his mother. First words from family members were "You were like a second mother to him, he always said you were good to him" So why is it so different? I also took in the step grandchildren for a few years but that was met with disdain from the mother and grandmother on that side of the family. The same love and concern went into the care of all these children but what a difference in attitude from the parents.

Comments

12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 8:08am

Because you weren't a "step" you weren't a perceived as a threat. You were true to the addage........it takes a village to raise a child. I am sorry for your loss - because while you were a second mom to him, he was like you child and the loss will be felt by all the "villagers" that helped this young man grow.

Still Have Hope's picture

Submitted by Still Have Hope on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 11:35am

It has been my experience that anything a stepmother does is suspect. Years ago when skids were small I put together a princess tea party for them. No special occasion, just wanted to have some fun with them. Dressed them in pretty costumes, made tea sandwiches & cookies with fruit tea all on my real china. Was told by MIL that I was trying too hard. :jawdrop:
SMs can't win. So do as you please and they can just deal with it.

donna123's picture

Submitted by donna123 on Sat, 07/30/2011 - 9:33am

This is such a good example to illustrate the “difference in attitude” that a stepmother gets in comparison to what a woman in another role gets for extending the same love and care to a child. In the first instance you were congratulated and received kudos for your efforts because you weren’t a stepmother. In the second instance, even though the effort you put in was exactly the same, you were vilified and perceived by the mother and grandmother as an overstepping, intruding, and unwanted rival to be driven off.

People who don’t examine their unconscious prejudices assume, among many other things, that being a stepmother is the same as being a caring aunt, a foster mother or an adoptive mother and nothing could be further from the truth. Women in those roles are extended all kinds of common courtesies and social support that are rarely extended to a stepmother for the identical effort.

This social assumption is just another way to blame the victim, stepmothers for the horrid treatment she is receiving as her having brought it on herself by “trying too hard, not trying hard enough, knowing what she was getting into,” etc. etc. We are all deeply familiar with the tedious lines of the “hate the stepmother” script.

So what is the real problem then? Competition for power and status among women? Competition for dominant position with the male/s? Female misogyny expressed through unacknowledged vanity, envy and aggression? Likely all of the above and then some. But the one thing we have learned is that the socially condoned contempt for stepmothers isn’t because they are wanton, cold, greedy, predatorial women with no love in their hearts for anyone’s children but their own.