LoveDare out the window
Today FH gets a verbal ass whoopin when I get home.
I've been doing the love dare and have been really happy with myself. I've bit my tongue, haven't been negative, and given all kinds of loving thoughtful gestures. I did all of it because it made me feel good...it was fun to think up surprises to do. I really have been enjoying it, and it has had a good affect on FH. He's more gentle in the way he approaches things, and the way he just is. He's more happy and upbeat. Unfortunately, his 3rd shift job is still getting him down and he is miserable most of the time. So much so, it is getting unbearable for me. I tolerate his distancing himself, and his disconnectnedness but today I'm just ready to snap.
We had a spare 45 minutes this morning. Yes he was tired, yes he hadn't been to bed yet. All I wanted was to 'tuck him in'...I was going to just lay there with him, rub his head and just be with him until he fell asleep. Not to be graphic, but if something sexual happened, super...if not, that's ok. The point was spending time being together in a close way. So I'm trying to be kind and gentle and get him to go upstairs with me, and he's like hemming and hawing. So I'm like, whatever, i'm going to work. He's like, you're like an hour early. i'm like I know, and left. I'm sure he knows I'm pissed, plus I texted him saying that when a woman offers any kind of intimacy I suggest he take it dumb ass.
So, I am just stewing. I've baked brownies last night and drove them 30 minutes each way to work so he'd have them warm and would feel a part of our life when he's not home. And did I get a thank you? Nope. I emailed him a short sweet email the other day as a gesture of thanks for working so hard for us and taking care of us. Did I get any sort of acknowledgement? Not at all.
I know the point of the LoveDare is to do stuff for your partner w/o expecting anything in return. I feel proud that I do stuff for him and I enjoy doing it. The thing is I still am pouring myself into this relationship and getting nothing back. I have a feeling I'll go through the 40 days of the books exercises and still have gotten nothing.
What pisses me off is that I'm the one attempting to change myself and to be attentive to him. No where along the way has he been attentive to me. Oh, no that's not true, he does some things for me, but it's like the bare minimum. Seriously, with the limited time we have each week,is it so much to ask to have a few minutes together just being with one another...even if there's no sex, which god knows I havent seen since I cant remember when...
Grrrrrr!!!!! I'm just so angry at him!!! What is his problem?! I'm sick and tired of bending over backwards to try to make him happy and getting shit in return.
I was proud of doing the Love Dare, but today all bets are off. I'm not going to bite my tongue anymore. My coping skills are maxed out. I feel bad for blowing up all the progress I've made with myself so far, but I'm putting my foot down on him being like this anymore. I'm telling him that it's high time he treats me like a princess...wine me, dine me, give me gifts...be thoughtful, be romantic...and I'm demanding it happen NOW. I'm going to tell him it's time to get on the stick or he can take his ring and shove it right up his... I'm sure this sounds bitchy because I am bitchy. But today is the last day of his crapy. He's either gonna get with the program and start kissing my ass for a change, or I'll go find someone who will, and believe me there are plenty right close who would be more than happy to take his place. And at this point, I'm ready to replace him if he can't act right.
Thank you for letting me vent.
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You sound mad...
And rightly so. How long have you been doing the love dare?
When I wass still living with STB XH, I didn't know about the love dare but I would do similar things. I would cook him his favorite dinners, I would wash anf fold his clothes (and I hate folding clothes). I would rent his favorite movies for him. On occassion I would try to forget about his mistreatment and would be ultra nice to try and diffuse fights.
At one point I stopped asking anything about communication with BM (this point lasted like 2 months).
His response: Why are you being so nice to me you MUST want something. And, it's so strange you haven't asked about Bm, you must be up to something.
He definitely could not trust that there are good people who don't want anything from him. Well, you see where it got me...
One can only hope!
Lil.. it is one thing trying
Lil.. it is one thing trying to change for yourself but if you are getting walked all over at the sametime I would stop it as well. There is no reason you need to take that.
LOL I am mad I guess...again
I'm just so damn frustrated! I don't get it...why wouldn't he want to just go lay down with me? Sex or no sex, why not just go to sleep w/me there? I swear to god sometimes I just wanna rip his face right off!lol
I see where it got you being nice to your H and I don't want to end up there. I'm trying to nip this in the bud right now.
Personally, I think I'm crocked in the head for trying. I think men like bitches and abuse(in whatever sense) nice girls. I've been trying to juggle the inner struggle I have between my inner bitch and the nice girl I'm supposed to be. I think that if I'm nice, he'll love me and treat me right, the way I treat him. But I'm starting to think I'm wrong. I'm better off being a bitch, demanding what I want, and say screw him if he won't do it. It's a hard thing for me because I don't feel that people shoudl be treated in a bad way, but if he wants to be with me, and cant or won't be nice, I'll be a royal bitch to him and get exactly what I want, and not care about his feelings.
Your H is a grade A ass for what he's done to you and put you through girl! If I start my asswhoopin today, I'll swing down by you and lay some on your H too.LOL
Hugs, LT
How about a mix of bitch and nice girl?
I used to fall into the "diva or doormat" flip flop. Then I read Mama Gena. Ask for what you want. Expect to get it. Do nice things. Appreciate him. But, don't ask in anger, bitching, nagging, etc. Just state it. "Honey, I'd love it if you'd get me a cup of coffee." Mama Gena's premise is that MEN love to do things for WOMEN and if you serve them all the time, they are uncomfortable with that. I've put it into practice with all men (not just DH) and it works. And I don't mean degrading eyelash batting either or lil old helpless me. Just ask with a smile.
If he's being a jerk, pamper yourself, go off and do something fun, etc. The few times my darling DH is moody, I don't chase him asking what's wrong (I might ask once and then drop it if he doesn't answer or says nothing). I just pull back and do my thing and before you know it, he's coming toward me.
What I don't like about this Love Dare (not that I know much) is it sounds like a one sided super doormat strategy. Relationships are two sided. You need to ask for what you want. If you read the book, Men Love Bitches, it says that too--self-respect, boundaries, high expectations. But of course, loving, sexy, fun, good company, etc.
men love bytches
good book.
Better to be a bytch than doormat
and after reading the book bytch is a honor.
Good thing for me I was up to the role, which came easily to me
after a few basic fundamentals were in place, it was a breeze......
Mama Gena?
I've never heard of her. I'll have to Google her and see what's up.
I think the thing with LoveDare is it's a challenge for 40 days, not a lifestyle...and I kind of get tangled up in there. I'm afraid I'm wasting time on him when at the end of 40 days things will still be the same. Maybe they will, maybe they won't, but I am supposed to be taking the 40 day challenge as just that, and not make it a new doormat lifestyle.
I think you can ask for what you want, and I do that. Maybe it isn't clear or direct enough for him? I dunno.
I'm gonna check out mama gena now and see if that's something that'll help me.
TY> LT
Ahhh...just like the movie!
Ahhh...just like the movie! How far along are you? Remember, it actually took 43 days in the movie! Don't give up quite yet
I want to see someone actually follow through with this and see if it improves the situation!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
mel it's sooo worth it
I'm so proud of myself and I feel better doing it. I can't tell you how much of a weight it lifts off of me. It really does make my spirit light to do it(not to sound religious or hokey). The whole atmosphere of our house is much lighter and much happier.
I'm going to try to keep the dare up and keep going, but I am going to talk to fh today and tell him what's what. I read in there there's a way to talk to your spouse to air your complaint w/o being evil...and that's my problem, when I get this angry and frustrated I turn into Carrie (from King of Queens) and start with the fat/bald putdowns while getting my rage out. I know it's wrong, but he doesn't hear me unless I scream and berate him. Hopefully the love dare will keep me from comletely ripping his ass off.lol
I'm on Day 5, but am redoing day 3 since I wasn't able to get what I wanted for him.
I'v peeked ahead at some of the dares and they seem really do-able.
I'm excited about each one...they don't seem to be soo challenging...more exciting really. I look foward to what new thing I can do to surprise him or make things better.
Only day 5? oh man... You
Only day 5? oh man...
You got a long way to go girl! I'm glad you're going to stick with it. I'm sure its hard when you don't get a response, but maybe after a couple weeks things will start to turn around. Maybe you should try writing a letter or email instead of confronting him in person. If I'm really upset about something, thats what I do with my DH, because I also have a hard time censoring my mouth when I'm angry. But it doesn't help anything to belittle, it just makes it worse. At least with an email you can get out what you want to say and proof read it, making any necessary corrections to comments that are not helpful to the situation. Plus, the more you blow up at someone, the less effective it becomes. Try to refrain and use it as a last resort to something very important so it has the desired effect!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Per my counselor
Start the conversation with "this is coming from a place of love... and it is aimed at making us better"
One can only hope!
never heard of love dare
and it sounds a little like pop psychology game, which may work, really no opinion on it... but I've found rebuilding your partner does not work.
I came to the conclusion if I ever married agin it would be to someone who was already a man of love, so I wouldn't have to do all this work to make him into what he should be.
It is a much nicer way to live with far fewer frustrations. I no longer do the things I once did ( special meals etc...) and to be honest it has worked out better. Now we go out for special meals so both of us are the ones being pampered and I'm not putting myself into slave mode, doing all this extra work.
I found demanding never worked, it was the men I picked and I stopped getting rebuilds and found someone who was already the way I wanted. I can only hope for you that you don't do what I did and spend years and years with a man who only frustrated and confused me. I would never do that again and learned some big lessons from it.
The Love Dare is kind of a
The Love Dare is kind of a "teach people how to treat you" or "Do unto others" type concept. It is a challenge to disregard your partner's negative behaviors for 40 days, and instead do something loving each day with the idea that eventually, usually about after a month or so, the partner will come around and start treating you the same way back. One girl here that my SM is friends with is on day 27 and she feels she is seeing major improvements in her relationship and communication with her husband as well. I think it probably works because many people lack communication skills, things build up, like resentment, and the couple starts treating each other like crap. If you get back to treating each other how you did in the beginning of your relationship, all the sudden defenses go down and hearts open up. At least thats the goal. Its not an indefinite invitation for your spouse to treat you like a doormat, it is a 40 day challenge and if things don't start changing, then apparently its time to go your separate ways. Not sure what is says to do if the partner doesn't come around. I'm sure for some situations it works, and others not so much.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
That's a really good way to put it
I'm normally pretty good with the whole reading comprehension thing, but this book intimidates me a little. I'm afraid I'm doing the dares wrong, you know? Maybe not what they're looking for or something...
You really do see improvement in the relationship almost immediately, or at least I have. The problem is me and I know it. I'm expecting him to be different *now-ish* instead of later. And I get frustrated with him too. The whole book is about how to change yourself and how you relate, so that no matter how your relationship goes, you will be better for having taken the Dare.
p.s....I'm going to save what you wrote so I can read it when I feel confused about the book or what I'm doing. You really helped cliff-note it up for me. Thanks
lol...no prob!
lol...no prob!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
love dare sounds like something
I would have tried at one time in my life, before I knew better. Someone told me about that men love bytches book and I must say, that is more my style and got better results with little effort
than anything I've ever heard of.
I passed out plenty of pink slips......... and each time thought of the years of therapy I was saving myself
The problem with all the pop psychology ideas is they are going to mostly be done by the woman and I do not want to add work to my life but release myself from all I can.
These days, I would not be one to try any 40 day challenge, more so when involving another person to be my partner. Those challenges are great when your the one testing yourself and can control your actions as you sure can't anyone elses.
"Those challenges are great
"Those challenges are great when your the one testing yourself and can control your actions as you sure can't anyone elses."
Thats the whole point. Do your part and whats right for the marriage so if it doesn't open up the communication, at least you did your part in trying. Control your own actions and you will get a better response then if you act out in anger. The movie (Fireproof) explains it pretty well.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I am thankful
I have a husband who doesn't need any fixing up. My days of fixer uppers and rebuilds arew long over, may they rest in peace. I upgraded to someone who was already on my page.
I agree with the original poster of this thread, love dare should go out the window. If that much work is required, and its proving to be very difficult, maybe you have the wrong partner.
I'd love to be there when
I'd love to be there when your little bubble bursts. Every marriage has its own problems, at least eventually. No marriage is perfect, there are good and bad times. Its important to work through them, unless you want to end up alone. Every relationship is work. Some more than others, and its a personal choice of what you will put up with and for how long. But too many people throw in the towel and leave too quickly. The next relationship will have tough times too. You can't just walk away everytime without at least trying to do your part and keep your vows. Otherwise, whats the point in MARRIAGE? It takes a person of great character to put aside their own needs for a time period in order to put their spouse first. OBVIOUSLY, its not for everybody. I've never read the book myself, but I've watched the movie and kno people doing the workbook. I wouldn't be above it if one day I needed to try it. I too believe I have a great relationship with my husband, but why is it that you always sound so snooty about your marriage? I hope you knock on wood every time you brag about how great you marriage is, which I think has been on at least 3 posts today.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Wait...
now its FOUR posts.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
(No subject)
:O
I dont' think it's hopeless
I think sometimes people have internal issues that they can't move past until they are ready. It may be that LT's DH is not happy that he works 3rd shift and doesn't get to see her as often as he would like, but instead of expressing that feeling correctly, he takes a distant attitude. People are all different and I think it's great LT is trying to show her DH she loves him, even if he is not willing/able to show it back right now.
Communication is so important in relationships of all kinds. DH and I are incredibly open with each other. We don't fight about anything except BM, and even then, it's not fighting, it's discussing what to do next about her /sigh. Are there things I wish I could change about him? Sure! Who doesn't wish their DH would put his dirty socks in the hamper 2 feet away from where he dropped them. I'm pretty sure 3 years into my marriage I'm over the "newlywed" stage, but DH and I are getting closer as time is going by.
Anywho, stick to it LT, I think it will make a difference in the end. *hugs*
The book sounds great to me.
The book sounds great to me. And I agree that melis07 described it well. I can see how you could get disappointed LT, but it is early only 5 days...give him some time. Keep it up.
guys... it would be nice
to get Rags input on this.. or another guy on the site! Honestly, guys just don't think the way we do! I think the LoveDare sounds great, and I may actually look into this myself, after all, what can it hurt? All it can do is make me a better person right?
I applaud you LT!! It takes a lot of thought and love to do all that you have! Stick to it!
Is the DH doing Love Dare too?
Is this something both spouses have to agree to do or is it supposed to be from only one partner? Sorry I know nothing about it, I will have to read up
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Actually, the other spouse
Actually, the other spouse isn't really even supposed to know about it.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"