How often do I have to bring this up?
SO and I just got into a major fight. On Sunday, we took SD5 to the local recreation center to swim. I decided that after playing with SD for over an hour, I wanted to relax for a bit in the sun. I got out of the pool, and went to lay down, when SO joined me, and SD followed begging her dad to play with her. SO looked at me and asked if I was going in to play with SD. I told him no, I was going to sit out for a while since I am tired. I ended up working 6 days last week, had Sunday off, then had to go back to work on Monday for another 5 days. I wanted to relax a little. SO got pissy, claimed he was tired of "babysitting" his own child, and told me that if I didn't help him with his kid, we would just go home.
I simply told him NO. She is your daughter, you are not babysitting her, you are a parent, and the everything I do for/with him and her is a gift, not an expectation.
He stormed off.
Fast forward to this morning, he starts going off about how people never parent their kids, to which I reply, "Like you do?"
He then started going off that we are a partnership, and it is unfair and unrealistic that I am not willing to care/play/pay for his child all of the time, like a parent.
I lost it. I have spent countless, time, energy, and money to help care for him and his child. Ever since I found this website and read the book Stepmonster, I have started to realize that I do not have to do everything that I have done, and have since started to expect SO to take care of his own kid, where I will help out when I feel like it. What I do should not be expected, but appreciated.
When I told him that I did not have to get his daughter ready in the morning, he automatically threatened me with being late for work, or taking the bus. I no longer have a car since my car was stolen two years ago, and when I went to get a new one, I really couldn't afford one due to all of HIS bills. I have since taken public transportation, or received rides from him. When I pointed it out that I was done paying for his bills, and would purchase myself a car if he decided to threaten me with that, he then threatens to not be able to afford his half of rent, and we would then be evicted. I replied that we would be over, and he could see just how hard it would be for him then.
He automatically goes to a threat of something bad happening due to his failure to parent or pay his bills. The expectations that this man has baffle me. I would be very upset if I wasn't able to care for my own child, or my own bills.
I don't see this relationship lasting if changes are not made.
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Comments
Girl you need to go ahead and
Girl you need to go ahead and line up getting a car and start planning on where you are moving to. I would have been done the FIRST time he said "babysitting" his own kid. My Ex-H used to say that all the time and if I ever heard SO say it I would FLIP OUT! SO parented/fathered this kid so HE is expected to raise it,not you!
What a piece of crap! I hope
What a piece of crap! I hope your poor SD5 didn't hear/see his little snit fit at the pool about {gasp} playing with HIS OWN daughter! I am still just dumbfounded that he actually said "I'm tired of babysitting" WTF?
Is BM in the picture at all or is your SD stuck with this loser for her only parent?
BM is only in the picture
BM is only in the picture when she feels she needs to be. They have 50/50 custody, where SD spends equal time with both parents, but when BM gets a BF, SD is left with BM's mother for days without contact form BM. It is just sad.
Right? Why do so many people
Right? Why do so many people say they're "babysitting" their own kids? I never got that.
My SIL had to bribe her
My SIL had to bribe her husband (now ex) to "watch" their kids. Literally, pay him to do so. And they were married at the time.
Your SO is a dumbass! He
Your SO is a dumbass! He should thank his lucky stars that you help him with the kid and his bills.
This is the problem- he now expects you too and doesn't see it as your gift to him.
You make sacrifices because of his bills? Girl you are a saint! Where is BM in this??
If he doesn't adjust his attitude FAST leave him because he is an ungrateful leech who is using you. You deserve appreciation at the minimum!!
Do you have any bios of your
Do you have any bios of your own? Just wondering because sometimes guys (women too) can be deliberately obtuse unless you switch the situation around on them.
Sounds like he expects you to be SD's mother. You are not. I don't understand how this is a hard concept for men to get. Maybe you need to tell him, "I am NOT SD's mother. I think I would remember if I pushed her out of my va-jay-jay!"
I told him that I have
I told him that I have absolutely no rights to SD. I am not her mother, I did not have the fun to convcieve her, and I certainly didn't give birth to her. I told him that all the time/money/energy spent on SD will mean nothing if we break up or something happens to him. I will NEVER see that little girl again. He just doesn't get it.
I refuse to marry this man
I refuse to marry this man until certain requirements are met, CO in place fully, credit report back to a decent score, bills paid, etc. I will not get stuck with this man's crap simply because we got married.
Oh.hell.no. I hate to say the
Oh.hell.no.
I hate to say the dreaded phrase, but in this case, if you marry him (or continue the relationship), you do know what you are getting into, as he has made it very clear.
I don't think he's going to change.
Getting someone to do something you want them to do by making threats, is abuse. And I bet he does other things that would be considered abuse, also.
Sounds like my situation
Sounds like my situation except mine is DH ... He expects me to cover his bills& mine .. Once told me I should be paying his bills instead of mine. He is responsible for taking his kids to school 3 days a week.. I use to do it at least 1 of those days bc he wanted to sleep in. So I had to do everything in my own in the morning. When they got to where they wouldn't listen and he wouldn't back me up I would pretend to sleep through the alarm clock and him saying hey it's time to get up so he would eventually get up and do it himself. When he told me he needed half of the house payment (he only has 3 bills) i told him I wouldn't bail him out any more
oh.hell.no sums it up about
oh.hell.no sums it up about right... I'd get out of the relationship... you are being used. You already have a preview of what it would be like married to him and it would only be worse if you were officially a SM.
Yes, don't make the common
Yes, don't make the common mistake of thinking that things will get better once you are married. They most likely would get worse. And for heaven's sake don't get preggo!
You have got it all figured
You have got it all figured out and you're right. Anything to you is a GIFT. He needs to PARENT his own child.
He either needs to pull his head out of his ass or go find someone stupid enough to put up with his shit. Maybe you should tattoo this site on his ass before you leave--she'll need it sooner or later.
Might I ask what was
Might I ask what was ludicrous about my end of the fight? I would really like all types of opinions on this, because if I am off base I would love to know.
I'm curious what you think
I'm curious what you think was immature and/orout of line too. Everything the OP stated was a true consequence for her SO's threats.
The whole exchange did start after OP made the remark about SO not parenting when he brought up something he read about that and granted it wasn't necessary to say that but she did just recently have that exchange with SO at the pool and rgranted she may have still been ticked about it. Who sould blame her?
I believe she may be realizing that she is being used by her SO after the pool side discussion and now with the most recent conversation, he is confirming that he is using her even more.
Actually after reading
Actually after reading through a second time, it sounds like her SO was trying to accuse libra of not "parenting" since she has probably pulled back since her SO expects her to parent HIS child. If that's the case, I see nothing wrong with anything she said.
I will admit that I shouldn't
I will admit that I shouldn't have made a comment about his parenting (or lack there of) It was childish and I will own up to that. I am still royally pissed on his expectations are in regards to this relationship. It has been 10X more beneficial to him then it has ever been for me...and I get that it is my fault for allowing it to happen for as long as it has. That is on me too.
I think you should get a car
I think you should get a car and started working on a way to establish a new life without him. It sounds like he looks to you for finances and a replacement for SD mom, in addition to taking care of SD so he doesn't have to.
I'm reading Wayne Dyer's Pulling Your Own Strings- its an eye opener for me!
You're sharing an apartment??
You're sharing an apartment?? When is the lease up? Can you get out of this soon? O.M.G I would KILL not to have a mortgage and a hostile "tenant" who has made vile and serious threats should I ever kick him out.
Most of these "men" are looking for:
1. free childcare
2. free maid/laundress service
3. free "fringe" benefits
4. financial support so they can prop up their previously enjoyed family and look like a hero
5. free secretarial, tax and legal services
6. free room and board
Thank you Sueu2 for the
Thank you Sueu2 for the response. I appreciate all opinions given. I guess I didn't clarify that the threats mentioned by SO were threats only to me. I simply stated that I would not be the one to suffer based on his decisions, since I am the one who would be able to pay for a car and have a place to live. My credit is solid, while SO is poor. I have money left over after all bills, where as SO can not make ends meet. I simply tried to state that I am sick of his expectations, and that I do not have to put up with any of his shit. I am able to be a responsible adult. I sent SO an email explaining that he needs to get professional help in stepping up to the plate of being a husband (someday not soon) and a father. I have given him a limit on how long I am willing to wait, and have stated that I will no longer have any responsibilities in helping him with his daughter. I am in a month to month lease, and can leave with a 30 day notice at any time, or kick his ass out and get a roommate, which I will.
You need to get out now. Take
You need to get out now. Take it from someone who lives this scenario everyday. My DH also believes that I am SD's mom must because I am his wife and therefore obligated to take care of her, physically and financially. That is until I have an opinion regarding his daughter that he doesn't agree with like setting rules and consequences. Then I am just some random lady who lives with them. We have had numerous fights over this. His & SD's life did not change at all when we married except that they got to move into a nice home and have someone around to help clean and pay the bills. My life on the other hand changed dramatically (and not for the better). I wish someone would have warned me.
The relationship has its good
The relationship has its good moments, but it also has a lot of bad moments. I will give my SO credit that he handles BM very well. He does not put up with her crap, and is very open to including me on all decisions. The problems we have are basic, money and resentment problems, that are compounded by him having a child. Unfortunately I have to admit that I knew what I was getting into when I started dating him. He never hid anything from me. I spoke to him again today (sent him a long email that was written for a couple of hours and reread a couple of time before being sent) and it seems like he is willing to try. I will give him the benefit of the doubt, and allow him some time to change. I do have specific things that I need met before I can think we can get over it.