A fight I don't know how to win, could use some advice
So it has been a long time since I have written. For the better part of the last year we have been fighting to terminate mom's parental rights so that the skids can be adopted by me and so I have been trying not to call any attention to myself that she could find out about. Trial's over and now we are just waiting on the court's Order.
This is a little off topic though. So, anyone who might remember me, and I know it's been a long time, I have 4 skids. SD 12 (I know! Time flies), SD 9, SS 7 and SD 5. Our situation is a little different than the norm because their mom is an abusive alcoholic so the kids have been through such hell that I have never had any problems with them treating me poorly or anything like that. I love them more than life and am very hopeful that we will get the termination because then my husband and I can make sure they always have stability. They are wonderful, etc. blah blah blah.
My problem is with SD 12 and every time this problem comes up I can hear my mother in my head. SD 12 likes to claim she's a tomboy. She's not really, though she really really hates skirts. SD 12 is beautiful, 5'6 and 102 lbs, legs for days. She's stunning. But she dresses like a hobo. Like all the time. She's in middle school and I know the kids say things that are hurtful to her because sometimes she cries to me about it. And she takes everything over the top. Today was neon day at school for spirit week and she went out and got bright neon pink pants and wore a neon green shirt that didn't match which shouldn't matter, but it kind of does. She has so many cute clothes that aren't necessarily girly but at least fit her and look nice and she prefers to wear old sweatpants that are too short and shirts that are old and faded and it's not that she's a tomboy it's that she puts no effort in at all.
Even as I type this I feel like the biggest bitch for even saying anything about it to her or otherwise but I know how awful middle school kids are. I know hey they treat each other (especially girls because they are the absolute worst) and my kiddo is already taller than everyone and awkward. I know I shouldn't care but I don't want her getting branded as a loser or a nerd or having people say awful things about her but I also don't want to crush her spirit or make her feel like all I care about is how she looks. I don't have kids of my own and all I have to fall back on is my mom and she's not exactly the ideal parenting role model either. And SD 12 is such a loving and wonderful kid but she is deeply scarred by her own mom and having enough issues with self esteem. Any advice anyone can give about how to approach this topic without being the nagging, overbearing and you are never good enough kind of mom, would be so greatly appreciated!
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Ah, middle school days. I
Ah, middle school days. I too, was one of the tallest in my class (1 of 4 girls). It was a nightmare and I dressed as to not be noticed. When you tower over your classmates already, calling attention to yourself is the last thing you want to do. So you overcompensate by dressing down. She'll get thru that - my DD18 went through a phase like that. She is 5'10", 135 and like you said "legs for days". She is far more confident now than she was 5-6 years ago.
I hope everything goes your way!
This is how I was (and still
This is how I was (and still can be at times). I was tall (and dumpy) and I wished I was shorter (and slimmer), I just wanted to disappear. It was probably reflected in my clothing and seeming lack of concern over how I looked (but at the same time, I was always worried about how I looked).
Maybe working on her self esteem might be a better way to start.
I was your SD12 as far as
I was your SD12 as far as clothes.
My mother and I had NO agreement on what I was to wear. She wanted me in feminine "cute" clothes and skirts. Me, I wanted to be comfortable and be able to do things (I was and still am very active).
Do not go there.
Let it lie.
I am getting my payback with my SDs. 11 and 9. Both won't wear jeans or anything they deem "uncomfortable" (each for different reasons) and SD9 is especially difficult to buy for as she hates skirts and embellishments of any kind. When DP buys them clothes, I make sure that it's stuff they will like, and THEY have to choose. But we have ultimate say in what's purchased.
As for what they wear, it's about making nice comments the priority. "SD9, that shirt looks great on you! Do you really want to wear it with those green pants?" (and if she says yes, then so be it).
However, if it's inappropriate, like SD11 wearing leggings and a short top, DP must step in and set the rules down. If he chooses to. If not, ignore.
If hair is dirty and we all have plans together or they have an even to go to, hair must be clean or we don't go (depends on level of dirty and it can get really bad). Clothes must be clean. I also go into their clothing when they are gone and get rid of things that no longer fit a couple times a year - no one notices.
I guess I never really
I guess I never really thought of it that way. I think sometimes I am oversensitive about it too because I grew up really poor and remember being made fun of all the time because my clothes weren't the best and I was awkward. Maybe I just need to step back and let her be herself. It just worries me. Her best friend, whom I am lukewarm to, comes from a very wealthy family and treats her like crap at school but is fine being her friend outside of school but says some really mean things to her at school, and then my inner teen comes in and I feel like we need to make her impressed too. Ugh, I probably need a great deal of therapy lol. Thanks for the advice!
Is this the same one with the
Is this the same one with the "bleeding dog"???? LOL
I think Tommar is right on
I think Tommar is right on with this. Girls that age need to find a comfort with their own body. The changes are hard to adjust to. But also I think that at that middle school age kids are maturing quickly at different rates and some are becoming interested in looking their best and others are just not there yet.
I've seen it with my DD and SD, they hit a certain point in their maturity that they start to take an interest in their appearance. Until then it's all about comfort.
What I think does help move it along is some well placed compliments. They like to hear that this shirt of that outfit looks good and start to alter their choices based on some praise. Which is positive reinforcement to balance all the mean middle school feedback they probably get.
That fact that she considers
That fact that she considers such a jerk to be her best friend is a bigger issue than how she dresses. If her best friend treats her so poorly, her enemies must be absolutely horrid.
I tip my hat to any middle school girl who is comfortable enough to dress in a way that pleases her instead of desperately trying to fit in with the crowd.
I grew up extremely extremely
I grew up extremely extremely poor, shared a bed with my sister til I moved out actually. Now I enjoy my apearance and feeling nice and clean in trendy clothes. My SD is made to dress like a clown by her fat lazy shameless BM2. It makes me so sad! Kids make fun of her all the time, she is obese and looks like a rat in a trap when we pick her up.
I would do as others and just remove the clothes that have stains or do not fit with out a fight, when she is gone. Replace with things that you think she would like but are well fitting and comfy for her. She will outgrow this phase I think. Encourage her hobbies and talents more than her looks though. That is more important after all.
I try really hard to praise
I try really hard to praise her but this morning the first thing that came out of my mouth was "That doesn't match at all." It was like watching a car wreck in slow motion as it slipped through my lips and I wanted to die right there. Her little head went down and I could tell she was heartbroken. I am going to try to work more on the praise vs. criticism. I never yell or fight with her about it. I try to be "constructive" but this morning all I could think about was, "Yup, you are turning into your mother lawyergirl...." Ugh. I need to do some work on how I interact with her rather than working on how she dresses. She loves skateboarding and that is something she and her dad get into. I coach soccer and she found a love for that this year, and she I do the archery thing together as well because she is incredibly good at it and really enjoys it. I even got her to try to chess and now she is obsessed with it so I do try to encourage her. I'm not all criticism and nagging
but it's nice to know I am not alone and she's not the only kid that has ever gone through this and that is comforting. I will keep working on biting back what my mom would say and try to be more understanding of this difficult stage in her life. As for her best friend, they have been best friends since they were three, she's an only child and very spoiled. She's also on my soccer team and I love her parents. When you get her on her own, she's a tremendous kid and I think she too is going through those growing pains of middle school, so I probably shouldn't be so completely awful about her either. But then again I think my kid is just the best kid ever 
so you know that whole mama bear thing.... And to think I have two more after her. Thank god the boy is easy 
Thanks again for all the advice
Since her dad left her mom,
Since her dad left her mom, BM hasn't had unsupervised visits with her kids. It's been 4 years. I suppose it could have happened when she was younger, but she's in therapy and hasn't disclosed anything
Sounds like it's how you feel
Sounds like it's how you feel about it all that you would like some insight into. It struck me that you heard your mother's words coming out of your mouth.
So take a moment to think about that. How did you feel when your mom said that to you? How were you feeling when you said that to SD? What do you think explains the incongruence?
I have had the same thing happen. For me, it's usually that I am expressing a value I have but don't think is so great about myself. (In this case, vanity?)
Because even though I might be vain, I value independence more. So in this situation, I would truly want SD to dress as she chooses. It's just that I also want her to look nice, to fit in, to be happy now.
That may be the biggest parenting lesson I've learned from this board. Always parent for the long term. Teaching your kid to fit in or to dress so that others think she is pretty teaches her to value the opinions of others instead of her own. Teaching her to understand her choices and to be more active in the choices she makes will teach her to value her own opinion - and makes wrong decisions less scary - which is a much more effective, long-term strategy for happiness.
How about leggings and
How about leggings and sweaters with boots for fall/winter? She might find that comfy and that would look more stylish...
I'd get rid of any clothes that are really bad...but make it a thing with all the kids. "OK, we're cleaning out our closets! Everyone grab stuff that doesn't fit anymore!"
Maybe since she's oldest you could make a day of it and tell her you want to take her for a "girl's day" and buy her a couple of new outfits, maybe get a manicure and have lunch?
But yoga pants are ok.
But yoga pants are ok. They're office/casual now.
*gark*
Leggings like my DDstb2 wears - NOPE.
Leggings-pants, you know - not see-through, not form-showing and certainly NOT underwear-showing... normal pants only an elasticized thick material, with a zipper, and LOOOONG tunic sweaters, covering the entire bum... Ok.