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Feeling bad for SD (kinda)

stepmominhiding's picture

Submitted by stepmominhiding on Tue, 02/19/2019 - 8:59am

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Sd is apparently losing all of her "friends", AGAIN.  She gets the "BFFL's" (best friends for life). She is friends with them for like a year, and gets a group of new BFFLs. She keeps losing them because she lies,  manipulates, is narcissistic (just like BM). But this year she's so sad that she's losing these friends, she's trying so hard to keep them,  she's trying to plan trips to the mall, movies,  sleep overs,  she called 15 kids,  0 of them wanted to hang out.  0 out of 15 wanted top watch s movie with her.  0 out of 15 wanted to hang at the mall.  0 out of 15 wanted to have a sleep over with pizza, chips and dip, movies and games. 0 of her 15 wanted anything to do with her this weekend.  Granted a few might have been ACTUALLY busy,  but all 15? I think her personality has driven the friends away.  

 

Now she's a horrible person who is incredibly infantile, steals (from scol fundraisers, from her mother,  from her baby brother, and from her step dad) ,  she manipulates people and situations, acts like she's superior to everyone,  she thinks because she had blonde hair means she's more beautiful than anyone with brunette hair. You'd think, with the way she acts, that she's gorgeous. Quite the opposite. She is 13, 5'7" over 200lbs. She's shaped like a potato. Her breath smells like death, her teeth are yellow, her hair is NEVER clean or brushed. She dresses like a hobo. She will wear her pajama pants everywhere,  with the wrinkliest t shirt she can find. I realize thatHer looks are not important, but she acts as though she's gorgeous, and she's really just not. She's run off many many many many friends. She's been horrible to me,  my kids, am i surprised this happened? No.  Do i feel bad?  Kinda, but only a little.  I hate for any kid to lose friends, but she brought it upon herself.  She deserves it. She's an awful person. Since I've been in her life for 9 years this is like the 6th set of BFFLs she's had.  This is the first time she's attempted to do anything about it.  Maybe that's why i feel bad this time.... kinda 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 02/19/2019 - 12:49pm

Time for the common denominator speech for this toxic SD.  She is the common denominator in her friend situation. Or more accurately, her lack of friends situation.

If she won't make a change. Then she owns the outcome.    She is 13 not 8.  By now she has had far more than enough time ot learn how to treat people appropriately and

That is nothing to feel bad for her about. 

The thing to feel back for her about is her fathers idiot parenting philosphy.  Parenting and growing up is not all about painful lessons.  It includes care, joy, happiness and connection too.

As my GM used to say.... "If  you can't listen and learn you will have to feel."

She is feeling. Maybe this time she will learn.

IMHO of course.

stepmominhiding's picture

Submitted by stepmominhiding on Tue, 02/19/2019 - 12:24pm

Oh i always feel bad about how dh chooses to parent him. He's so worried she's going to turn it like either her mother or like his brother.  Her mother is a narcissistic bitch who lies and manipulates everyone and everything. Dh's brother is a disgusting thieving alcoholic who has stolen from his own daughter. I have been talking to dh anout changing the way he parents. That if SD is afraid of dh's reactions that she'll never come talk to him if she ever needs him. He's in the process of trying to convince bm that sd needs counseling. BM said she agrees, but hasn't made any steps in getting her any.  Dh legally can't sell any counseling for sd, it has to be BM.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Tue, 02/19/2019 - 11:21am

Ugh, that is a sad story.

I'd guess one reason she's sloppy and boastful is because she knows she's ain't that great -- you know, overcompensating for confidence she doesn't really have.

I wonder if getting her some decent clothes that fit and maybe an easy-to-do hairdo, plus tackling that weight issue, might not make her easier to handle. If she feels better, she may act better. If she acts better, she might keep friends longer and that will make life easier for the rest of you.

I know reaching out and helping someone who has been so nasty might not be your first priority, and her dad probably won't get the relationship between how we women look and how we feel. But maybe suggest to him that he takes some steps to get rid of the junk food and encourage her to present herself better. Get her in some clubs or activities so she learns social parameters.

I just hated those three times when I felt sorry for my SD -- someone who's made my life hell. She usually takes care of that for me, though Smile

stepmominhiding's picture

Submitted by stepmominhiding on Tue, 02/19/2019 - 12:13pm

I have taken her to the mall several times, I've taken her to stores she likes.  Dh has ordered clothes that she's asked for for christmas & her birthday. She has options with clothes. She has head bands, ponytail holders,  clips,  hair pins,  etc. 

We don't keep junk food.  The junkiest food we have are granola bars,  and those are for my youngest daughter who is on swim team,  she comes home from high school has less than 1hr to eat and do home work and then rush off to swim team practice. We have a crap ton of fruit and veggie snacks,  we have seeds and nuts. The problem is that bm hordes junk food at her house and sd sneak eats it.  She got caught with her step dad's 5lb bag of sour patch kids in her back pack empty.... after 1 day of it being missing! Asi the money she stole from bm, her little brother, and the school fundraiser went to her buying junk food from the fundraiser.  We've tried to make her feel better about herself in those ways.

 

It is hard reaching out to the proverbial snake that has bitten you 100 times. You'd think i would have learned my lesson.