When we married our husbands, we were thrilled about having kids. At least I was. I thought it would be great since I always wanted a big family. What I didn't know was there would be this other woman poisoning the kids and our life. So it isn't that, I, or maybe I can speak for some others on here, don't want these kids, it's just that over time a bad adult relationship has soured it to a point of no return. The problem starts with the adults. Sometimes the ex's make life so miserable we step parents fall into a trap that make us feel that it is easier to not have them around.

You sound pretty outrageous. Perhaps after listening and learning about us you will see that we are very loving and caring women who are here because things are very very difficult and we are trying to get some stuff off our chests in a safe place so that we are a positive and caring influence on these poor children.

I understand you being upset if you think your children are being unfairly treated. Anyone would feel that way. I just caution you not to attack us. Your last sentence is so black and white, how could I ever respond in an acceptable way in your eyes even if I wanted to help you. I still take some offense by your approach.

d

It is HER own jealously and insecurity and sooner or later she will drive your ex away.

I hate that this kind of woman becomes OUR problem simply because they are jealous.

One of my children has a beautiful, wonderful stepmom. She is secure, classy, loving, and most importantly she is good to my daughter.

My other child (by a different man) has an insecure, jealous, all around ugly stepmom. She has become my problem and her issues affect my child.

You ex WILL regret his actions sooner or later (hopefully sooner). I would shield your child the best that you can however you cannot stop your child from seeing the 'man' his or her dad is. THEN your ex will have to lay in the bed he has made.

I know how frustrating this is, but try and remember that you cannot change your ex, you cannot make him pull his balls out of her purse, you cannot make him grow up or do the right thing.

"GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

Try saying that prayer when it all gets to be too much, it has helped me and I hope it will help you too.

I've been pretty rattled by your post so I'm glad you responded. You are obviously, and probably rightly so, very upset at your ex's new wife. As mama bears, we would do anything for our children. Right? The problem that I am having, is your aggression and judgment towards us, here on step talk. Even saying that we are not "good people" because we have difficulties with our step children. I understand your pain. I hope you find a way to talk to her and listen to her so she can explain her side of the story. She may have been deeply hurt by things you or your daughter. Who knows. If you want to improve things, talking rather than attacking would prove more successful.

I for one didn't know I would be judged and criticized on a daily basis, or my daughter would be treated badly and put in harms way by my step kids. I would love them to death if I could. I have asked their mother for support and she has told me her children are perfect and it is my problem.

So you see, there is ALWAYS a lot more to the story than meets the eye. I'm sure my step kids mom thinks my husband and I are the problem. I don't see it that way. I don't think a two year old should be allowed to eat glue either, but leave them with the step kids and she will have it handed to her. I'm pretty sure their mom would think I made that up. Our kids are perfect right?

So to let you know. I want my husband to have a good relationship with his kids. I support it 100%. Right now, I don't want much of anything to do with his kids anymore. I don't like their behavior so it make it very hard to like them. I reach out to them in ways that feel safe for me, because I think it is the kind thing to do. I am a good person and so are the rest of us on this site.

I definitely don't want to get into a war with you. I don't want to get into it with anyone. It is that aggression and judgment that makes it so hard to get along. I just think it is important to know, that not all women are jealous of the ex, not all steps who don't like their step children are bad people and not everyone who has an opinion is right.

It is a lot easier to understand something if you ask questions with a genuine desire to learn.

by posts generalising SM's just like you have. I have said this before so many times I am sick of hearing myself.

Not all kids act the same, not all personalities meet, not all SM's are Bitches, not all BM's are bitches. Different people have different circumstances and this is a very poor way to ask a question. If you have a crappy SM then vent about her and ask advice on how to handle it, don't judge us by saying if we are offended we must be one of them horrible SM's. That's just not nice

Catch
*Mean People Suck*

What I was trying to say but with too many words.

I didn't understand a lot of the post so I'm not sure how to respond. Other than to say that kids are hedonistic by nature and will do whatever they can to get whatever they can. If they have good parents who are constantly teaching them patience, compassion, and selflessness (service to others) then they will be good people in the end. If you have a parent involved who doesn't value those traits then as a SP or BP you are constantly having to deal with someone undermining the lessons your children (step and bio) need to learn.

My sons' SM told me a great Dr. Phil quote recently. "You teach people how to treat you." It's true. But if someone else is undermining you as a person to those that are easily influenced, it's a long tough road. That's why we're hear. So that others in this same situation can bless us with empathy, compassion, and suggestions as to what has worked for them. If that's what you're looking for than please ask and you'll find it.
I love my SD as if she was my own. I treat her better than my own at times b/c of her fragile sense of self compared to my sons. As a parent I know that may be a thankless job. Bless those on this site who have lifted my spirits at times like those.
Peace, love, and red wine

Laughsalot6 seems to be addressing stepparents who don't like their stepchildren or would rather they not come around. I don't take this as a blanket comment criticizing ALL stepmoms. There ARE quite a few stepparents posting on this site who have come right out and said they don't like their stepchildren, they wish their husband's would visit with them away from the house, they dread the weekend visits, etc. Some have very valid reasons, some maybe don't. And I agree that those situations are sad the whole way around.

In a situation like that and regardless of whom is at fault...

~ The stepparent never gets the feeling of fulfillment and peace when their stepchild comes up with a hug and an I LOVE YOU. Believe me, it's an awesome feeling when you give to a child that's not even yours and then they actually respond by opening their hearts and loving and accepting you, even though you didn't birth them. When my SS holds my hand and tells me he's glad I'm his stepmother, it makes all the crap his mother throws at me worthwhile.

~ The skids never get to enjoy being full members of the family because they can sense and will always know that their mere presence creates conflict, uneasiness, hostility, angst and fighting for their parents and stepparents. It's hard to love a stepparent when you feel like being around that stepparent or being in the "stepparent's home" is an unpleasant inconvenience to them.

~ The custodial parent can't enjoy the peace and quiet of getting away from the kids for a few days because they don't know how their children are going to be treated in the other home and the NCP can't enjoy the time visiting with the kids because they are constantly skating on thin ice, trying to balance the kids with the spouse and the ex, and NEVER being able to make all people happy at the same time.

It's a no-win situation when, for whatever reason and no matter who is at fault, the stepparent either can't, won't or is prevented from forming a relationship with the children. Laughsalot6 is right... everyone IS happier when stepparents are loving and accepting of their stepchildren and when biological parents allow their children to form relationships with stepparents. You can't marry a man with children and then be upset that those children are a part of his life.

~ Anne ~

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I could never have respect or have love for a man who abondoned his children unless they were so PAS'd that it made things better for everyone involved if he did stop contact until they were old enough to have a relationship with him on their own. I've seen PAS rip families to shreds. Sometimes it is better for the PAS'd parent to give up visitation(never child support) in order that the children are not tortured by the PASing parent. It is unfair and terrible for the children to loose a parent like that, but sometimes it's the only way they can come close to a somewhat normal childhood.

If I were in your shoes, I would not dis either your children's bio-parent or step-parent in front of the children, no matter what. That way when a real problem comes up with either of them, you can confront them clearly, knowing you are doing what is best for your children.

I am one of those SMs who do not like their skid. And I DO feel bad about that. And I have tried numerous times to reach out to her, only to have my hand slapped repeatedly. There's only so much you can do. It's like having a roommate who has treated you like garbage, but you can't break the lease. I would never ask my husband to not see his daughter. In fact, she lives with us. But, without his support as a full equal partner with me (which I do not have), this is the situation that will continue to stand until SD leaves the house.

Everyone's situation is different, and it's hard to judge. My sister has two foster children (thus not biologically related) and they love me. I treat them very well, no differently than I treat SD. But she does not/will not respond. What can you do?

Ok, I have been lurking and not commenting for a few months and during that time I have been working on myself and trying to understand better the dynamics of my own family and our issues. I read the posts here daily to keep up with everyone and use the advice given, this one I had to respond to. You want honesty well here it is...

I have also read the "I hate my stepkids" blogs and can relate for the most part because the common thread here seems to be the DH or DW for those guys out there; Kevin being a perfect example. For me it boils down to three things (so far). Someone (maybe Cruella, sorry if I am wrong) responded to a blog the other day about resentment that really hit home with me. "I resent my skids being treated as adults with none of the responsibility or accountability that goes along with it" and I totally agree. My another problems is that I don't like anyone manipulating and controlling MY DH, both my skids, BM and BD have this one down to a science, they can throw a guilt trip on him like nobodys business and he seems to be oblivious to it and will respond accordingly. The other thing that gets me is that these kids are just taken at face value with everything they say. What I mean by that is how does anyone know what REALLY is going on at the other house? You only know what the kids tell you and lots of times (by my experience)the negatives are blown out of proportion in order to perpetuate the manipulation and guilt from the other parent. Now perhaps some of you don't have these issues at your house but I do have them at mine and I appreciate being able to come here and work through these problems without judgment. My goal and others here is to have a happy blended family, I don't think any of us enjoy "hating" anyone.

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

So tell me...is it worth it? Why don't we just say 'forget it all'? Let's go out and find a single man with no EX around or kids. I've dated plenty over the past 5 years. I was an idiot to marry a man who has an EX and kids. I love him more than anything...except living miserable. I have the right to be happy and not live in misery for the rest of my life. This will never go away. NEVER. I hate this. It doesn't matter how nice we are or how hard we try. Other people are going to continue to cause us grief and pain. Sure, grin and bear it and march on...CRAP on that. I've only been in this situation for 3 1/2 months and now know that it's not worth my happiness. He is everything I ever dreamed of and more...except my happiness. The step kids and Ex will continue to be unhappy and no matter how hard we try it will cause husband and myself grief. how can we be happy and unhappy at the same time? I'm Out. Life is out there to be lived...I'm going for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been totally worth it for me. I found my soul mate and he just happens to have three kids. And after all these years, I'm finally reaping the benefits of all of the patience, and hard work (that was undermined at every turn). I have three kids that tell me they love me, and I love them. We're expecting our first grand-daughter, and I have a wonderful guy (thank GOD the ex didn't want him!!) that I love more every day, and will enjoy growing old with and sharing life's experiences with. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

since I am one of the SM who doesn't like her SKs. As someone else posted, it wasn't for a lack of trying. And yes, I knew I was marrying a man with children. What I wasn't prepared for was the utter contempt they had for me and my family. I did not go into this hating children, but after watching them lie to their father and to my family, listening to them try to get my husband's family to turn against me and hearing them tell their mother on the phone how horrible their life was while they were with us, I just stopped caring. So I guess can't say that I don't like them. I simply feel nothing for them.

I am sorry that you feel such anger towards the SM in your case. If she has done something to harm you or your DH's relationship with his children, she deserves your wrath. But you really can't paint us all with the same brush without hearing our side of the story. I have NEVER tried to come between DH and his daughters or between them and their mother, but I also did nothing to deserve how they treated me.

marika

You don't need to get the 'feeling' that some step parents don't like the Skids here...they come right out and say it because they are trying to heal &/or make it better for everyone. I don't like my stepson but he doesn't like me either. We are civil, and have been trying different ways to get along but really some personalities just don't blend. Just because he is my SS it doesn't mean I have to love him or like him and visa versa. I treat him well, the same as my kids when he is here, I don't mistreat him or be mean to him, I do respect that he is my DH's son. Do I wish it were different? Yes I do!

My ex BF had a son and to this day he calls and tells me he loves me, I am not just one of "those" people who can't get along with Skids or who tries to alienate them from their father. I do not stand in the way of his relationship with his father, in fact i enhance it. I remind DH to call when he forgets or is tired, I buy SS all his B'day and Xmas gifts. I buy his clothes and toys and make sure he has all he needs to be happy and comfortable. I make sure his half brother and Step brother spend time with him and do things together.

Just because I don't enjoy my SS's company and would be very happy for DH to see him "elsewhere" it doesn't make me a bad person. I have been through this crap with my SS for 3 years now and I have tried everyway known to man to get this kid to accept me as his fathers wife. He constantly disrespects me and makes me feel like crap in my own home, but yes, I married Dh and knew he had a son, but I had one also and I thought we would just have a blast together, all of us, and SS would finally be a part of a big happy family, but he doesn't want that and neither does his PAS addicted mother. Maybe when he is older he will see what I wanted for him in this family and he will finally accept me for what I am...simply his fathers wife.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*