How did it come to this?
It's been awhile. Since I last posted I ended up caving as I always do. I started picking up the kids due to my husband's work. I pick them up for all visitation besides every other Thursday when BM drops them off.
Friday night started off not so great. During the 15 or 20 minutes before SO got home the kids took to destroying things ( throwing candyland pieces everywhere, taking all the rubber bands I had on their brush off and flinging them about)
They would not listen to me. Until SD8 pissed herself laughing which has happened about 2-3 times in the past. I used a very raised stern tone and told her to go change.
I went out to smoke and DH arrived. I already texted him what had happened. Instead of talking to the girls he gives them each a peck on the head and goes out to smoke. I go out to explain he needs to start laying it on a little but he ignores me. I made dinner and the rest of the night is going well.
SD5 gets picked up my mommie dearest and I start reading with the eldest. Later on I go out to smoke outside and come back to the eldest using an old phone of mine that I had HID from both her and DH. I had told DH no kids on my backup phone.
I address this calmly to DH. He begins to berate me in front of the kid which I have brought up to him multiple times is unhealthy for all our sakes.
She goes to bed and we go upstairs. I text him to please apologize to me. I do a lot for him and his family and I really think he needs to think about his actions.
DH ignores this. I spend Saturday upstairs all day no food or water. He knows he has to apologize to get me to be myself again but refuses. I spend a lot of the red-faced silently crying.
Sunday morning I text him. Saying he doesn't even need to apologize just promise to try and not speak that way in front of the kids. Nothing. He drops SD8 off
When he gets back I told him I forgive him but I'm not doing transport for the kids anymore until he figures out how to stop this pattern of behavior. Silence.
There's been no talking between us and unless I cave here there won't be. I'm not sure what to do. I showered and got myself some beer to drink upstairs but I don't feel like eating or laughing. I'm always the one who caves and mends and it's dawning on me now.
He still held me this morning before the kid woke up so I know he doesn't despise me but I don't know how to solve this without giving up more of my dignity.
Any advice right now would be appreciated. I know the usual leave is coming but I'm not sure if I can pull it off.
- Lady.Tremaine's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Silent treatment is abuse and
Silent treatment is abuse and his way to get you to behave. He won't change but you can. Go on strike. Stop enabling him to rely on you. He trained YOU to behave with silence. Train him to behave by removing yourself from his reliance.
So do I just keep the silence
So do I just keep the silence up ?
You just live your life. But
You just live your life. But in a healthy way. Don't starve yourself or drink or cry all day or keep begging him for things. Do your own things. Don't depend on him emotionally. While making exit plans. You don't have children and you have a job. It means you can be on your own like other single women. Then you seek help and when you go through intense therapy, you look for a healthy relationship. It's hard but you can do it. You are smart and capable and deserve better life
I understand you don't want to leave. Then you stay but start not giving him all the power. He has all the power because he is given ultimatums that you can't keep. So he has all power. He runs the show. Don't let him.
I know leaving is hard but if
I know leaving is hard but if the only way he treats you like a partner, is for you to cave and do what HE wants, this is not the relationship for you. He does not respect you.
If he can continue this silent treatment indefinitely, unless you give in, he doesn't love you, either.
He knows he has to apologize to get me to be myself again but refuses.
Except, he knows that he does NOT need to apologize. You have already started to give in, saying he no longer needs to apologize. Now, he is just waiting for you to give in the rest of the way and he is counting on the fact that you want things to go back to "normal". Normal being, him in control, him doing what he wants, and you doing what he wants and staying in line in order for him to talk to you.
You are not sure you can pull off leaving but can you live the rest of your life like this? Do you want to live like this? He's not going to change because he already knows that he doesn't have to, he's got you trained.
I'm guessing he's not one to agree to counseling?
I'll be honest. I'm unsure of
I'll be honest. I'm unsure of everything right now. I can't be as stubborn as he is because it isn't my personality .
I'm pretty sure he won't agree to counseling but bringing it up to him now may keep this going for longer.
So what exactly are you
So what exactly are you getting from the relationship? When you try to set boundries your DH throws a tantrum by using the silent treatment till you do what he wants then he "holds you"? No apology, no changed behavior in his part because he got what he wants. He has no respect for you. This is emotional abuse. The kids are learning how to treat you by his actions. Please go look at the domestic violence Power and Control wheel. http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
Have you tried personal therapy?
Have you tried personal therapy? You need to figure out why you are willing to put up with such disrespect and abuse. For some reason, you think you deserve to be treated poorly. You need to figure out why that is so you can change the pattern.
He searched for a personal item you had hidden and gave it to his daughter. That is wrong. Why did you decide to forgive him when he never apologized?
At the minimum, you need to start taking care of yourself physically. Staying upstairs all day with no food and water is not good for your body or your mind. And drinking alcohol on an empty stomach is only going to lead to problems.
And quit giving him ultimatums that you are not going to enforce. He knows you are going to keep picking up the kids, so that is why he doesn't react when you say you aren't. Until you know you will follow through, stop making empty threats - it only gives him more power over you.
You deserve so much more than this man is willing to provide. Please consider getting some help so you can figure out how to move on without him.
You set boundaries and then
You set boundaries and then give in because he is more stubborn and defiant.
That's not healthy. You have established a pattern that if he treats you poorly you will cave.
You should never compromise your self respect or your happiness for another human being. If he treats you poorly that is his to own not you.
Trust me I know how hard it
Trust me I know how hard it is to be with a stubborn man! But you need to be stubborn too! I think that's why it's easier for me to get over things DH says and does - because I won't back down until he apologizes and also that he tries to change.
If you read my blog I posted Friday DH was a real douche. BUT he did apologize over and over, we talked about it the next morning and he did things all weekend to make up for his behavior. He also tries to learn and change his hurtful behaviors. Unfortunately he resorts back to them every so often.
The more you cave in like you did this weekend the more your DH will have no reason to act better.
Sounds silly but I actually
Sounds silly but I actually googled what does a healthy relationship look like when I was deep in the trenches. Once you know what healthy looks like, you most likely won't want what you have right now. It's one thing to know what abusive relationships look like, but it's a whole new game when you learn what healthy looks like.
He is actually quite a bit
He is actually quite a bit better than my ex-husband who threatened my life and verbally abused me constantly.
He may not be quite as abusive as your ex-husband, doesn't mean he isn't abusive and that you are not in another abusive relationship - you are. It may seem better than what you had before, but it's still not good, still not healthy.
Abuse always escalates. He
Abuse always escalates. He always treated you poorly and in general is an abusive husband. And this is unhealthy and abusive marriage. And it always gets worse. Sure it's not as bad as your previous one. He isn't threatening your life. Or yell obscenities. But he is still a bad husband
I don't have any suggestions on how to improve your marriage as honestly it's not going to get better. I do have a very strong suggestion for you to see a therapist. You need to get to the bottom of your attraction to these abusers. Unless you seek therapy there's a possibility you'll leave this guy and meet the next one just as bad. Sadly some women spend their entire lives in bad relationships because ther just never get to the bottom of it, they just never learn how truly good relationship suppose to look like
please please see a therapist. Dig deep and get to the bottom of it and then seek happier life