Enough is Enough
I've had it. Nothing is ever good enough for BM. Last week BF and BM had a huge argument about a 4 day long weekend coming up. Yes it is our weekend with all 3 skids (1 lives with us already), she wants us to have all 3 skids from Friday through to Tuesday evening rather than dropping them off on Sunday evening. Anyway long story short, he agreed as per usual but also told her that this is the last time he has them extra wheather a public holiday falls on the Monday or not.
Anyway BF asked me to right down a schedule from now till end of next year when we will be having the skids and when she will get to see her oldest son who lives with us.
The schedule is more than fair. We are having all 3 skids alot more than when she has all 3 together, and she is still complaining.
BF gave her the schdedule at drop off last night at 8.30pm by 9.00pm about 5 text messages where sent through saying how unhappy she was with the schedule.
There is no pleasing this woman, she still wants us to have the skids even more (weekends).
In the past BF has always ageed (after a huge fight of cause)to have the skids when she wants us to have them.
I can't do this anymore. This woman who I can't stand and barely know is controlling my life and when I get to spend some alone time with my man.
I asked BF before he gave her the new schedule, if he was happy with it, does he thinks he is seeing his boys enough, does he want more time or less time. He replied that he was very happy with what I did, he didn't want to ulta it so he gave it straight to her.
BF told me last night that he wont be giving in to anymore days, that the schedule is final.
Even though he has said this to me I know he will give in to her (he always has) and then its going to be argument between me and him. I've told him that this has nothing to do with not wanting his kids, but we will be seeing them quite alot and if he is to give in to her again this time, then enough is enough and i'm walking out. I'm sick of BF always giving in to BM, he says that I'm #1 and not her but he always chooses to please her rather then me and I'm not playing second best anymore. We could be having the skids every weekend and it still wouldn't be enough for her. I can't take it anymore.
Do you guys think I'm being to harsh? I just don't know what to do anymore. 
- KeepsGettingBetter's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Definately not!
No, you are not being too harsh. Setting boundaries is necessary and that is exactly what you are doing. I've also learned that you absolutely cannot please BM no matter what so why try?!
I'm in a similar situation whereas I feel that my DH also gives in to BM and it drives me nuts! We've had so many arguments over it and nearly divorced so now I can't say anything about it or DH throws it in my face saying "I have to deal with her for the rest of my life so I have to do what I have to do to get along with her".
So what I think doesn't matter?
I hate this.
Conflicted, BF and I have
Conflicted,
BF and I have nearly split up a number of times because of this as well. What we think should matter, it is our life to, not just his and the skids. I get the same comment as well. I'm ready to kick his butt to the kerb if he gives in again. I just can't deal with her demands anymore. Okay maybe if it was only 1 child I'd be abit more willing, but this is 3 boys (6,10 & 13), give me a break, no more.
I so know.
I SOOO know what you are dealing with. I have 4 skids, and due to the issues of being married to BOTH my hubby and his ex i finally walked out. I was EXHAUSTED...physically and mentally.
Its been a month and 1/2 and i went back to the house only 2ce since then and it was absolutly terrible.
I see now why hubby is begging me to return, he needs his housekeeper back.
They just dont get it. And like you my hubby says the same crap..........."i have to deal with her," "she'll take me to court again" blah blah blah.................it gets old.
So .......if you want to stay married to the both of them, then this is how your life will be until the oldest leaves the house............trust me, i dont believe it will change.
What doesn't kill you will make you stronger;..hold please- I'm going cancel my gym membership........
Nope you are not being to harsh.
Dani,
I have been StepDad to my 16yo SS for more than 14 years. I believe what you are dealing with is fairly common as far as one former spouse accommodating the other. I find that the motivator is usually "I don't want them to give the kid a hard time when he is with them".
The difficult BioParent seems to never have a problem playing the kid card to manipulate the more reasonable parent. For some reason there always seems to be one more reasonable parent and one less reasonable manipulative parent in blended family situations.
My our case, for years my wife would not put her foot down with Bio-Dad or BioPaternalGrandMa (BPGM). She would always fall back on "If I do not give them what they want they will take it out on the kid when he is there". She and I have had countless discussions (battles) over this. When she gives in they just push for more until she gets angry with them and resets back to what is provided for in the Family Court Judgement. I have always counseled that my wife needs to go specifically off of the judgement. Nothing more and nothing less. Currently we are in a period where my wife has rolled the judgement up and beat them about the head and shoulders with it (figuratively of course) and they are pissed off.
Fortunately my SS is old enough to get himself to the airport and grab a flight home if they get intolerably out of control during his next visitation.
You may want to counsel your BF to hold BM to the judgement .......Period! If he does not get her under control this will continue until the kids age out from under the Judgement. He has to be a parent and support his kids, he should not let his XW control his life however.
Good luck and best regards.
Ahh...I remember those days
When FH and BM had a "schedule" that she compiled every few months that always seemed to change to accomodate her life, not ours. I dealt with that bs for about three years until last year when FH finally contacted Friend of the Court (FOC) for assistance. Not much help that did because they created a schedule there with FOC mediator and then the dumb mediator gave them both a copy of they schedule they came with and not a final one. BM still maintained that the schedule was not right even though the changes on her copy and his copy were the same...it was so pointless. The mediator should've stepped up and put this in an order too. Now, a year later and we have a final schedule however; nothing enforceable by the court...kind of back at square one.
How about taking this to FOC and have a mediator arrange something permanent and enforceable, make sure this is done at the first meeting if agreed to or you will be in our situation.
BTW-Hate to tell you, but BM probably always will be a pain in your ass. You just have to be strong enough to deal with the crap and have an out to vent...like here.
hmmmm
I guess I see a different side to it....
Shouldn't DH WANT to spend more time w/skids? I mean, my DH had to fight tooth and nail just to see the skids once a year. That, of course, was before we got custody. He would have given anything to be more a part of their lives.....
this was my life a year ago...
sia, its not that they dont want to see the kids more, its that giving in to these crazy women and being at their beck and call is just not rite. its okay to see them more bc BM needs a break, but when DH needs something, we dont get an inch of flexibility. its not having visitation, its called being BMs babysitter. its just the principle. and its not fair to us SMs to have the schedule changed all the time...then we cant make plans and live our lives. also, sometimes a couple hrs here or there just isnt worth the abuse from BM that u will most likely get. its different when u have a BM like alot of our kids do. u have to be careful. now we have less time (EOW only) and our life together has improved dramatically. no constant texts and calls and harassment from BM and fights on our front door and the name calling. if something comes up and we cant exercise visitation, we dont make it up bc then BM will make us pay down the line somehow. its sick and sad but thats what happens when youre dealing w a crazy person who hates us more than she loves her own kid.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
We faced the same thing.
We faced the same thing. EOW kids would come and she would email him on what needed to be done or call the SS16 and bark order to my DH. It drove me NUTS. It was like having someone else in my home all weekend. Holidays and vacations were worse.. Calling every day, even though we asked her politely not to until after 6:00 pm. She simply didn't care and demanded unlimited phone access to the kids. I would say something about this and how I felt and it was "always this is how it will be, get used to it". I heard all of the famous lines by DH.. My DH used to say she uses the kids against me, I can't say anything or else ,.. blah blah blah. You know what.. I finally figured it out both the BM and the DH's uses the kids against the step parents. We can't say anything for the sake of the kids and if we do we are seen as selfish and then made to feel guilty. One day Enough will be enough.. Now my DH sees his kids during the week and at school but they no longer stay here. This was also due to some abuse allegations that she decided to throw in there. That is when enough was enough for me.
Thank You
Thanks all for your words of wisdom.
BM text BF again last night, saying that she was changing the schedule. BF and I came up with a compromise to what she was asking and he will put it to her today, so wish us luck.
BF seems to be strong at the moment, but then again he also hasn't spoken to her yet about it, it's all been via text, so i'll have to see if he goes weak at the knees when he does speak to her.
Sia,
It's not that BF doesn't want to see his kids (far from it) as Bellacita said it's the pricipal of the matter.
The new schedule gave BF more time to spend with the 3 skids not forgetting SS13 that has also been living with us now for the last 4 months.
BF and I believe BM should be seeing all 3 of her children the same amount of time BF sees all 3 of his children, but the issue is she doesn't want to see her children, she wants a babysitter that will drop everything to be there at her beck and call.
We have had the skids extra everytime she has demanded we have them an extra day (as she has given us no choice), that has been for the last 5 years, enough is enough, we have a life too.
I'll keep you guys all updated once he has spoken to her.