Feedback on SM role
The BM believes that conversations should only be between the BF and BM and I should not be included in the emails or phone calls. I feel very strongly that anyone who parents a child should be included in all conversations for transparency for the childs sake. Both the BM and my husband (BF) believe this is just a control issue for me and I am wrong. Its starting to cause issues.
Any opinions on this? Feedback is appreciated
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I completely understand
I completely understand where you're coming from, BUT, conversations should be between BF and BM. When I talk to EH about perfectson, it's up to EH to tell SM if he wants, but she has no business in the conversation.
I agree with WSM to a
I agree with WSM to a certain extent, I think she is right unless the child lives with you full time.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
Yes, I should have added
Yes, I should have added that. When skids live with a SM that is different. Thanks csong!
Arent you concerned the
Arent you concerned the message will be lost in translation? That is my fear
I trust my husband, so no.
I trust my husband, so no. The skids live with us full time and he fills me in on pretty much anything the BM says that I need to know. Usually, I mean, he is a fallible man after all and most of the time the BM is talking he's not really listening and he's wishing he were doing anything else ...
I don't believe in being
I don't believe in being involved in the "actual" conversations. BUT - in all decisions regarding what goes on in my home - then YES.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
IF the child lives with you
IF the child lives with you full time then you have every right to be included. If the child only lives with you part time, forget about being involved in the power struggle bc the conversations should be between the dad and the mom. It is then up to the dad to include the stepmom on his side of the conversation and let her know what's going on. If it involves the stepmom directly, the dad should speak with the stepmom before conversing with BM. Then dad should go to BM with the decision he has made as a united front with his wife and be the representative of the marriage when speaking to BM about things.
Having the non custodial stepparent involved in the actual conversations does nothing but make for a tense situation unless the other parents are mature adults and can handle that level of involvement from the step
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
Thank you for your feedback!
Thank you for your feedback! The girls are with us 30-40% of the time, the BM got 30K in plastic surgery and found other priorities than the girls, - this may be an issue where I dont trust the BF to fight her enough for what is right for the girls because the BM is very controling although she isnt active with the girls.
I think the right thing to do is to have all communication be with everyone, I fear it is seriously hurting the girls -
I really liked your list of
I really liked your list of suggestions~!
The amount of involvement
The amount of involvement and inclusion should correllate to the amount of responsibility the stepparent has.
i dont agree, i feel if a
i dont agree, i feel if a child is coming into your home, SM should be in the loop on everything. BM has a horrible tendency of saying its none of my business, yet it is MY home she is sending her children to. BS 4 months is a premi and i need to know if the skids are ill, hurt, EVERYTHING. but she keeps shut to me and tells DH who ignores her anyway so nothing is known or solved.
That is DH's fault for not
That is DH's fault for not listening then. BM should be able to talk to the father of her child directly and have him understand and remember everything she is saying in regard to illnesses,injuries,everything that a father should know and then he needs to convey that to you, his wife. Dh is dropping the communication ball and BM shouldn't be expected to include the stepmom simply bc DH can't listen properly. That's his fault,not yours and not BM's. Sounds like email communication is the best thing for your situation that way everyone knows what is going on.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
Kat, what are some of the
Kat, what are some of the examples of the decisions DH and BM are making that you feel excluded from or feel that you should be aware of?
In my situation, BM and BF discuss issues between themselves about the skids. The only time I want to be in the loop is if it directly affects my home. For example, if SS and SD are going to be staying the night on a night that isn't regularly ours, then I would like to be informed beforehand so that I can either make adjustments/arrangements for the change of schedule or so that I can inform BF that it isn't workable since 'such and such' is going on.
However, if they are discussing the skids grades/conduct in school for example, then that is between them.
___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Interesting you should ask
Interesting you should ask - BM and I had been communicating just fine over the last few weeks via text reg small things like christmas presents etc - one big issue was when she was going to be late picking up one of the girls and the school was going to make her stand outside (it was very cold) these could have exploded (like I could have been ugly about her lack of resp in picking up her daughter timely etc) but thats small stuff.
The youngest daughter has been misbehaving and talking back quite a bit, she had a tantrum inside a mall and was punished. Because her tantrum and talking back are so unusual for her (and very extreme) I thought it was important that she know this isnt ok anyplace. BM communicated this had been happening with her also - my proposal was that BM myself and her Dad all communicate the rules. In order to define those rules I left a vm for bm asking if she would call me to discuss. BM never responded.
I asked that she be contacted and inq why she didnt respond and how she felt about it. Her response was that she doesnt want to respond to me.....
I thought this was strange and thought that it was just second nature that those that parent a child should all talk. We havent done it in the past and I believe that to be a bad thing. BD and BM do not agree that we should all talk and all be on the same email chain.
My husband thinks my involvement will cause the BM to ignore whats right and do the opposite to spite us, thus in turn hurting the girls. I am having trouble finding the balance of fighting for what is right and just by the girls and what to just let go -
look if a child is coming to
look if a child is coming to my house i want to know everything. if you ran a home day care you would want to know everything abiut the child coming over. there should be no other topic being discussed besides the skids anyway, so i feel i have the right to know what im dealing with not just for my sake but for my sons sake.
there is a lack of communication with BM because she is an irrational and hostile person, she doesnt talk she screams, and if she does talk its in a disrespecftul condensending tone. its never neutral. so its BM's fault for the lack of comm. simply because she makes it completely hostile ground.
Maybe she wouldn't be so
Maybe she wouldn't be so hostile if she didn't feel like it was two against one with her kids in the middle? Not saying it's your fault but maybe that's just how she feels...
I know I've been on that side of the coin before so I could see how it happens...
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
As a BM myself, I would have
As a BM myself, I would have no trouble communicating about my kids to a SM if she was good to them and especially if my Ex was deferring his parenting responsibilities to her, but should I be 'required' as a BM to go through SM or should I have to communicate directly with her....no WAY, I believe that's Ex-DH's place...I didn't marry her and I'm not imposing on her with my children, she is making that choice...sorry I imagine that's unpopular here, but I am a BM as well as a SM.
Likewise, I would never expect my SD's BM to go through me to get to my DH about SD 17 or to get to SD...I don't even want it and I have SD full time and have her 100% on my own for half the year. If BM has input or something to say, she can tell DH and we may heed the advice or look into an allegation...that's about the extent of it. The few times she's tried to exert control in my home, he and I have the same reaction...if you want control, send the kid a bus ticket or come pick her up. We reserve final say as a couple and as her parents with all the responsibility. Maybe it's not so much that they communicate as maybe they make decisions you don't approve of or without your input...that would definitely bother me if it affected me.
With my Exs though..I am FT BM and they get visits...no need for SM and I to communicate unless Ex isn't being a Dad....
Exactly Sara. I will likely
Exactly Sara. I will likely communicate a lot with my son's future sm because my ex is a deadbeat but I don't want to be told I absolutely have to include her in every single conversation about my child...I refuse to do that.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
just as you marry dh and bm
just as you marry dh and bm becomes the package its vice versa, SM is now part of the package for BM.
Sorry I have to disagree
Sorry I have to disagree with that. The SM isn't part of the package BM has to deal with...Bm didn't choose for the SM to marry the father of BM's children. The SM chose that so therefore in regard to BM, the stepmom doesn't even have to exist in her life as far as communication is concerned. It is up to the husband to determine what the SM's role will be in the life of his kids and he should be the one communicating with BM and stepping up to the plate to handle business.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
Yep... parking a ditto under
Yep... parking a ditto under Barbie..... SM means zilcho to BM.
Barbie- What is your new
Barbie-
What is your new profile pic of? Is that you? It's a little tough to make out.
C_G
oh, yeah I'm making my poopy
oh, yeah I'm making my poopy face bc I'm drunk and it's 100% humidity in that photo:) PM me if you're on FB:) I love putting faces with screennames
There ya go CG...I changed it to a clearer one:) My mom hates that other pic...she's like, "uh...toots, it does you NO justice!"
lol
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
Ah but if the DH decides he
Ah but if the DH decides he wants SM included in everything then what? if BM is that sneaky where DH needs a witness to everything she says then i think its absolutely needed. Case by Case hun
I sort of disagree here. I
I sort of disagree here. I agree with the SM not being a part of the package BM has to deal with BUT as far as BM not choosing SM well ...
I think a BM chose to have at least the possiblity of an SM in her life (whether directly, i.e. speaking to her involving her kids or indirectly i.e. having the SM in her kid's life at all) when she had a child with a man she didn't spend the rest of her life with.
So just as an SM knows she's going to have BM issues to deal with it going in. The minute a mother splits from the father of her children she should expect some (possible) SM issues in her future.
This is true, I just
This is true, I just disagree with the original presentation of the idea. Seems like the BM package should just be DH's problem rather than the SM is BM's problem. Really, the SM package is more DH's problem than anything as well. He chose that specific woman, BM didn't.
I think that's why our guys have such a hard time. They're the middle man between their past life and their present life. That's a hard place to be in for the most part. You've got the mother of your children demanding things from your then you have your wife demanding a whole different set of things from you and you're just trying to keep your head out of the fire.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
As a Custodial SM....I agree
As a Custodial SM....I agree 100% with BBB....if my BM ever contacted us, I would want her to speak to my DH, not me...even when we had EOWE status, all communiciation regarding the skids was between BM and DH...it was then up to DH to fill me in on what was important regarding MY home, life, schedule, etc....personally, as a FT SM...I don't want to communicate with my BM...now if I had BBB, WSM and some of u other ladies as BMs, I'd be happy to have contact with you regarding the raising of the children, because, well u actually CARE about yur kids......also, if u are always doing DH's "job" when it comes to the welfare of his kids such as communicating with the BM...u may as well add him as another child in your home....jmo, of course.....
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
I appreciate that Lotus! I
I appreciate that Lotus! I love love love my skids to death.
Warm squishy for LF!!! AWWW!
Warm squishy for LF!!! AWWW! I'd love it if choochoo had you as an extra momma!
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
I can attest to the skids in
I can attest to the skids in my life not being raised by either parent in their lives but rather by SF & SM (i mean dragon) I've tried to explain to dbf they should be on the same page each in their own homes as to rules expectations. AND I have run into blatant incidences where there is not only failure to communiate but pretty much failure to anything. Their s7 has issues with inappropriate touching of girls-his siter, half-sister and at the time my 3yr old daughter. The older girls tried to tell momma and she wasnt bothered with it. Since I got nominated to go pick them up and take them back on Sundays he would work his other job (they apparently never fathomed earlier pick-up/drop-off times either) it was 5p-I had to explain to him by the time that distance from her house to ours was covered it was pretty much only time for dinner, bath and bedtime. I finally voiced protest that 5p in the middle of MY Sunday would have to cease-since I get up at 4:30a on weekdays to go to work myself. Anyway, I took one of these drop-off moments to let her know about her son's attempted inappropriate touching of my child and she did not bother with a response at all. Fine, if you want to raise a criminal I will be the one to take him and anyone enabling him down. So there-SM 1 BM 0.
**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" - if you don't want to be a has-been in '10 where I'm concerned better get it in gear and catch up**
SM should be involved in
SM should be involved in every decision that affects her and/or her home.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved