When I met my now husband two years ago (we have been married for 6 months) I accepted him and his two boys into my family with open arms. I knew it was a package deal. We are both in our mid-forties, so he started a bit later than I did! I have a 23 year old daughter and an 18 year old son, as well as two beautiful grandsons. Talk about a weird dynamic! But we are all family and it's great. With one exception....first let me explain...my husband's boys have different mothers. Yes, it's a crazy situation, and I am not going to waste alot of time explaining. And yes, he was divorced from his 7 yr old's mom when he met the 4 yr old's mother (who incidentally is our age too, and is from another country, and said she could NEVER concieve...). With that said, here is the dilema...the 7 yr old's mom is awesome, and we communicate wonderfully. We both know how difficult it is to raise children in the first place, and we know that the most important person in the equation is the child. Therefore we work together, me, my husband and my SS's mom. It is great and how it should be.
On the other hand, the 4 year old's mother is in a word...NUTS. She is an obnoxious bully, and must be in control over everything. Including how we do things in our house. She has called my husband screaming because he did not leave the correct sweatshirt at the daycare, or because he did not get a haircut that week. The custody arrangement is the same for both boys, we have them at the same time, every other week for the whole week. This is a shared, 50/50 joint custody situation. I don't know how to deal with this woman, who in my opinion is hateful, miserable, and attempts to undermine my relationship with my husband and his child(ren). After over a year of struggling to communicate effectively with the BM and work together, my husband has suggested that we see a family counselor, to include the BM, to learn how to better co-parent as a cohesive unit for my SS's sake. She has refused, stating I have no say so in any decisions where her son is concerned including parenting decisions, and therefore my participation is not welcome. If there is an instance that discipline is warranted, and I am the parent in charge, then it is it not my responsibility to put my SS in time-out or whatever punishment has been agreed upon? It seems as though I am to be seen but not heard in my own home when my SS's are here. My husband has seen my therapist (who i started seeing prior to my separation and divorce)and explained the issues. She agrees that there is an issue here and since she is a published expert on co-parenting through divorce gave him some advice, which he has been doing a very good job at following. So basically it comes down to the fact you can control your actions/re-actions, but all you can do is minimize contact and try to keep your cool. My question is, was my husband out of line to request that I be involved in the counseling sessions (with a new, non-biased counselor by the way), or at least part of the counseling sessions? I am willing to be a part of the solution, not the problem!