Try me out...
I've been with my fiance for more than two years now. He has a daughter, who lives with her mother three hours away from us. They have had a rocky past, and without getting into it too much I will try to explain.
The BM moved herself and their daughter away when the child was a baby, and my fiance was unable to be a consistent part of his daughter's life due to transportation issues. In his absence, the BM had dubbed her then boyfriend "daddy" to her daughter, leaving her with two "daddys". First mistake, in my opinion, but that is beside the point. The BM got engaged, built a house, the whole shabang with this guy, and admittadly the other "daddy" - forwardly referred to as SD - was good for their daughter and cared a great amount for her. He played the role of "daddy" for about 5 years (the child is now 7). Since I have been with my fiance, he has been able to play a more consistent role in his daughter's life, and things are where one could hope they would be at this point, with regular visitation and a strong relationship with his daughter.
Recently, the BM was unfaithful, and (I think?) the BM and SD have broken up. The whole situation is unclear to my fiance (BF) and I, as it seems to be with the child. It seems as if she is being led to believe that the two are still together, and the SD is just working at a camp away from home. At the same time, I personally know that the BM has had on again off again relationships with a number of men, whether they were simutanious with her relationship with the SD, or not, the child has been brought around these boyfriends while believing that the BM is still with the SD. It seems as if the SD intends to still play a "father" role in the childs life, but honestly, it is of my opinion that that could change with time.
I am at a complete loss at how to look at this, let alone deal with it. I feel that the issues this might cause in the future for the child could be detremental to her mental well being. She has had 2 daddys, both that couldn't stick around (due to infidelity on the part of the BM, but that isn't known to her, obviously). What happens when the BM gets serious with someone again? Are they supposed to be "daddy" now too? How is he going to cope with having to deal with 3 exs (she has one older child with a different father as well)? How about when SD meets someone and starts a family? How is the child going to feel about that? How is the SD's new woman going to react to his devotion to his ex's children? How about when my fiance and I decide to have a child? All of these factors combined, I feel is a recipe for disaster.
My fiance and I are not in a good position to discuss these issues with the BM, as I said, they have a rocky past and don't actively get along very well. On one hand it feels like her relationships and life choices are none of our (especially my) business. On the other hand, the coming issues with my fiance's daughter, will be shared by us. Right now the BM has parental rights to any decisions regarding the child, so legally we have very little say.
If anyone has any input, please, feel free. I know this is an extremely messy situation, and much MUCH messier than I have even gotten into, but any constructive thoughts are welcome.
Cheers
MoonsOnMars - No, they were
MoonsOnMars - No, they were never married. There is a CO in place, but only as of this month, since the child recently has shown interest in living with us, the BM took legal action to ascertain her rights. Over the last 2 years, he has seen her often as possible given his work schedule and her school schedule, and has been doing well. Before then, the BM went through periods when she would not allow him to have any contact whatsoever; between their inability to get along and his lack of transportation, it was hard to maintain a consistent relationship. He wasn't given much of a choice when it came to her relocation and did not have the means to legally protest at the time.
Obviously, step one, to solidify BF and his daughter's relationship, is in the works and has been for some time now. My concern lies in what is happening with my SD at home - I don't think it's fair of her mother to keep her in the dark about what's going on, and it makes it extremely difficult for us to support on our end. My SD isn't stupid, and I think she knows what is going on, but is employing unhealthy tactics to deal. I feel that these will grow into something very tangled. Also, it is exhausting to keep up someone else's lie, and protect her from other people blowing cover, so to speak.
I have considered suggesting a child psycologist, but I feel that the BM may not be very warm to the idea. She seems to have her way of dealing with things, and doesn't keep the future in mind. She has introduced a number of men into the child's life and with little explaination or little solidity to the explaination she has provided.
When the other "daddy" was in the picture, it was honestly easy to support. Now, the situation has crashed and burned, and I have no idea where to go. As for BF, he is naturally clueless ha, and is pretty much on the same page. I truly want my SD's relationships with her mother, father, and everybody in her life to be healthy going forward and I feel that at least one is going to suffer as she grows into a young tween.