Our BM is very irresponsible and ineffective when it comes to school (and everything else). SS13 was a big baby, big child, then held back in 3rd grade so he is a very big boy to all his peers. He would have been even without being a year older.

The trouble is BM does not parent him (surprise, surprise), completely babies him, and never does any reading or any homework with him. Or any autism work, either. So he can be difficult at school because a slight tantrum is traditionally very effective for him.

DH and I talked over many options and what we finally went with was he accepted my offer to pick up ss13 from school one day a week and see to it he gets as much homework done on that day as we can cram in. Just give up on BM.

This has actually worked wonders for the boy. A bit of grief the first 2 weeks, now he's settled in, understands my ways and expectations, and works like a champ for me. It's working so well it even has me daydreaming about just taking him every day.

Yes, this is a big sacrifice to me. However, the benefit to me is spectacular. My discipline and high expectations just one afternoon per week have improved his behavior for all the days we have him and have super-charged his performance at school. The teachers LOVE me. DH is out of breath from thanking me and his love tank brims over for me. And I get the satisfaction of seeing this child progress and our own increasing optimism for his future.

BTW, DH was fearful they would hold the boy back in fourth grade, too. (this is the age he was when I met them) But at the end of the year the school told him they would never hold him back again because you just cannot create that great of an age gap between a student and his peers. No 14 year olds in grammar school, not a good miz.

I once heard BM explain that ss was held back in 3rd because she moved 3 times that year. Not saying this is the answer for you. Probably few people can do this the way dh and I have. And your kid is tiny while ours is tall. But our situations are similar in many ways so I thought I'd spell out how we handled it. At least you'll know you're not alone.

I think you are definitely on the right track to getting him the help he needs. I had my BS11 held back (I now regret it) because I was in denial that he needed meds for his ADHD. I didn't see the things at home that the teacher was telling me from school. I finally got him to the psychiatrist and he has been on the same med for about 4 years now. He is now a model student.

I know your guy has more going on than mine but the pros should be able to figure out the right med combo for him. Maybe you or they could talk with the teacher about not holding him back. When I had BS held back it was ultimately my decision but I had a conference with the teacher, a school counselor, an iep and the principal. I did it because he was falling behind quickly toward the end of that term.

I'm so glad you are working with him and being patient.

I'm struggling with this myself with YSD. She has always expected everyone to do everything for her and that now includes work at home and at school. BM is always telling her how proud she is of her for her schoolwork.. The child is barely passing.

Holding kids back is not considered the panacea it once was anymore. More of the same is not the answer if the kid needs to learn in a different environment: smaller class, more individual attention, different methodology. Your SS could qualify for an IEP and special education supports. Ask the doctor ( preferably, a specialist) to write a letter of support for the school, initiating an evaluation and insisting on placing him appropriately.

You want what's best for him obviously but the school district does not have to give him the best, but does have to give him interventions that are appropriate. Could be a smaller class, at-risk services ( a bit too late for that) or 1:1 with a reading / learning specialist. You need to advocate for him. I would not let them hold him back. They need to teach him differently.