What did I get myself into...
My SO and I met a little over a year ago on a dating app. From the beginning we both had the same intentions: friends with benefits. I was traveling out of state for work and he had just split with his ex-wife so neither of us were looking for anything serious. We just talked for 3 weeks and then we finally got to meet when I came home for a weekend. Our connection from the beginning was like none I'd ever experienced, and not long after our first date, our 'friends with benefits' idea went flying out the window. He is definitely what I would call my soulmate, which I thought was just a made up fairy tale people tell. It's not, because this man is it. He is my best friend, my other half, and I love him with every part of my being.
I was aware that he had a 2 year old daughter from the start. I myself didn't have any kids and didn't want any, ever... But going into something with no intentions of commitment made the daughter thing no big deal. Shortly after we began dating I found a new job that cut out travel and moved back into my house that I had owned for 4 years. He had his own house 30 minutes away and had his daughter a couple days a week (the custody had not been sorted out at that time yet). At first she wasn't so bad. She took to me pretty quickly. Don't get me wrong, I love kids and am really good with them, I just like to hand them back to their parents when I'm done... We were taking turns staying at each others' houses for about 6 months which was a pain in itself, basically living at two different houses, dragging my dogs to his house or him dragging his dog and kid over to mine every couple of days. It was exhausting! We had talked about living together, but only briefly. I got the feeling he wanted me to move in with him and there was NO WAY I was ever going to move into that house....mine was in a better town, better location, better neighborhood, better yard, better garage, etc, etc. I had put 4 years worth of work into my house to make it how I wanted and his still needed alot of work. Plus the fact that it was his house with his ex, and was right down the street from his parents, his sister, and of course his ex and her family...So I asked him to move in with me. His daughter too of course. At this point custody had been settled at him having her 3 days a week (no weekends), his ex having her 4 days a week. Since I work a standard M-F job I barely ever saw his daughter. Her and I were getting along ok, and the only real problem was with her mother being a pain.
Everything was really just fine until we took our first "family" vacation. He got 2 weeks a year for vacations with her and he wanted to take her somewhere. We decided to go to Tennessee to the mountains. Up until this vacation I hadn't had very much time all at once where she was around. I think the time there, being with her constantly, not having alone time, not being able to do any adult activities, and her general toddler crankiness put me over the edge. I hated that we planned a nice vacation and it was ruined by her. I was mad for a while after the trip and never really got back to a place with her like where we were before the trip. I still made an effort for the sake of my relationship.
Not long after our vacation, the custody agreement was altered again to him having custody every other week plus one weekend a month. I went from barely seeing her to solely taking care of her a couple days a week while my SO was at work. We had to hire a babysitter for the days we both work, which I'm not very fond of having a stranger in my house all day and I'm not too fond of the babysitter herself. But again, trying to make it work for my relationship with my SO.
But lately I have gotten to a place where I just can't stand her..I can't stand to be around her, I can't stand to hear her talk, I can't hardly even look at her without feeling a rage inside me...Nothing in particular has happened to cause this, so I don't know why I'm feeling this way! I feel horrible for how I feel and I try to push past it but it's not working. It's definitely upsetting my SO as he is noticing a change in how I interact with her. I don't know if it's the fact that I basically went from someone who never wanted to be a mom to instant mom seemingly overnight? I don't know if there is something wrong with me?? I wish I didn't feel this way towards her, but I really just wish it was just me and my SO...which will never happen because his ex isn't a very good mom and he is an exceptional dad who fights to see his daughter as much as possible.. I would never, ever ask him to give her up. So that leaves me wondering what to do? This whole situation has brought so much stress into my life, it is eating me alive! I found this website and thought maybe just being able to talk to others in my situation might help take some of the stress off. Or at the very least just getting it out of my system might help! I don't know, but at this point I'll try anything...
- Jmabel22's blog
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Comments
You are not alone...
Ive seen SO many like you here on the site.
Welcome to the site!!!!
children seem to be a deal-breaker or maker. If you never wanted kiddos, this will be your test. I really dont know any magic process that will help. Perhaps try to get more time alone with your SO. Try to have more help with her. Have her spend the time your SO cannot with her mother. That really is the best answer.
Definitely think long and hard if this is what you want for your future.
I have 2 Sd's - one SD21 who I really cannot stand for longer than an hour for various reasons and SD14 Munchkin who I really love. I did want children and thought that step kiddoes were the answer for me because I wasnt interested in forstering or doing treatments, and Ive not ever gotten pregnant. So I thought "great insta-family".
The truth is that you can love them all you want but they will ALWAYS be half their mother and half their father, and if you think the mother is a pain NOW...it gets worse over time.
Ive been in this almost 7 years now. Munchkin was a cute little 8 year old who welcomed me. Shes currently a moody, stinky teenager that looks like her mother, who I despise.
If I knew then what I know now I still might do this again - it depends on the day you ask me this...
Honesty !
I love how honest you are ! The fact you came here and felt so comfortable sharing your story is amazing.
First and foremost there is NOTHING wrong with how you feel. Your feelings are valid and should be taken into consideration in your relationship.
I admire you for taking on your SD considering you made the choice to not have children.
The issue is the custody arrangement has changed. Were you apart of the decision making?
Going from hardly taking care of your skid to 50/50 is not an easy feat.
No wonder you feel the way you do now.
If H has noticed your interactions are different with SD then herhaps he needs to communicate with you about it.
Unfortunately SO and you will never be completely alone because he does have a child. It's something you will need to express to him how you feel. If not this will never work.
You are just as equal in this relationship as he is.
Being someone's "soul mate"
Being someone's "soul mate" isn't the same thing as having a lasting, compatible relationship. Loving someone doesn't mean you'll have a healthy or good relationship.
How you feel isn't wrong. It's just how you feel. You don't want to be a parent or a stepparent. That's fine. But, that means that being in a relationship with a parent likely isn't going to work with you long-term.
Sure, you can ship your SO off during his visitation time, hire a different babysitter, disengage entirely, ask him to change his hours at work, never go on a vacation with her again, etc. But, that's a LOT of work for the next 16ish years. That's a lot of resentment that gets built over trying to make something work that you fundamentally don't want and won't thrive in.
So, you have to make a big decision. You can continue to try and find ways to live this life, or you can decide it isn't right for you. There is a right and wrong way to do the former, and you have time to try different things before you need to decide on the latter.
I think it's important to realize, too, that even if this relationship doesn't last, that this isn't a failure. Dating is a time to figure out if your compatible. You're finding that you aren't, and now you have to figure out if you can find compromise that makes this relationship sustainable. You're doing exactly what you need to. What WOULD make this relationship a failure is if you stayed and allowed yourself to continue to become bitter and resentful so that the relationship devolves into something unhealthy. That's a failure.
In my experience
Once you can not stand the SK. Where do you go from there. This is the honeymoon stage of your relationship. It's only going to get worst. SD is only 2 yo she will be with her father for many more years.
BM and your SO decided to have a child, what means they have to take and raise that child. They decided to do the Happy Family thing. Your SO wants to take his DD on vacation, she did not ruined it for him.
You have no choice but to leave this relationship, it's not going to get better. Only worst. Especially when you stared paying for her. Gifts, medical, clothing, school, babysitter her when BM plays with her boy toy. And remember it's only one accident or illness, or boytoy. That you have SD 24/7/365
Next relationship has to be with someone with out kids. You are not cut out for stepville
I think the writing is on the
I think the writing is on the wall that this is not the relationship for you. There really are no soulmates, you just experienced falling in love, and that's not a guarantee of happiness.
You might be quite compatible if he didn't have a kid - but he does, so you aren't. And the fact that you dislike and resent the kid so much is not a good sign - she's only 2, she's acting her age.
If you do stay, put a stop right now to watching her two days a week and having a babysitter in your home. She can go to daycare like other kids do, and he can pay for it. If that's not okay, she can go to BM's. But it is so not your job to watch her. I love kids and even for me, watching a 2-year-old all day is non-starter.
A few thoughts
First, I don't think it's a coincidence that your negative feelings began at vacation time. "Vacation" with any child is not a real vacation, call it a trip. But with a toddler stepchild, it's a bummer.
Second, I know that horrible feeling about myself when I realized what negative feelings I had about my DH's kids. I'm 76yo and they are all on their 50's now and I still have negative thoughts about one of them. I think it's entirely normal in Stepland to have negative thoughts about a child, but those thoughts change, up and down, as time goes by. As Clove said, at one point you enjoy them, at another point, no. So just because you feel this way now, it doesn't necessarily mean you will always.
Thirdly, i think there is one positive about being a stepparent, yes, really! Lol. If this man is truly your soulmate, helping raise his daughter, going thru all the ups and downs with him, can bring you two very close. It can make a unique bond.
As far as concrete advice, the other posters have covered it, especially you not babysitting. I realize it is quite an adjustment to suddenly have this new person in your life. If you decide to stay with your partner, perhaps reading up on child development might be an idea.
Good luck!
Your feelings are perfectly
Your feelings are perfectly normal. What you need to think about is your future goals. Are looking to settle down and start a family of your own. Is this a guy you would want to do that with. Your feelings towards the disruption of being and insta parent would change once you have children of your own.
Are you not at a point in your life where that is something you want. Because if setting down and raising a family isn't something you want at this point in your life. Your current situation will only cause animosity and will eventually destroy your relationship.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with you. You don't mention any behavior problems or parenting problems, though if you haven't had much experience with kids you may not know normal from dysfunctional. You just know it feels unpleasant, which could be "normal" unpleasantness or not!
You also didn't mention if the custody change was discussed with you or if your SO made these plans with BM without your input. That would cause resentment in anyone. You also say BM isn't very responsible so you guys are picking up her slack. Also a cause for resentment. But, the most important thing to me is, you don't want kids. Being a stepparent is all the aggravation of being a parent with very little of the reward. It's the worst of it. Having your own kids is night and day so much more rewarding. In that aspect, your SO and you will always have conflicting priorities because he is so heavily invested in the child and gets so much positive reward from being with her. That's normal. It's also normal that you don't. Whether or not the positives of him outweigh the baggage....only you can say. This is your life, though. If you don't feel like you fit in to your own life anymore, that's a sign.