Thanks for the advice!!
So I took some of the advice left on my last blog and put my foot down. I told my SO that SD is HIS daughter, not mine. I never asked to give up my life/time/sanity for a kid, HE did. I also told him HE chose to marry his ex and have a child with her, not ME! So I wrote out the schedule for the next 2 months and highlighted the days HE needs to figure something out. Our pick up/drop of time is 4pm. Well SO works until 7pm, which usually is not a problem on drop of days, but it was usually ME driving all the way to BM's apartment, picking her up at 4 from BM, and watching her until he got home from work around 8..... So I gave him the option to either change exchange time to after 7 on those days or find someone else to pick her up and watch her until he gets off work. I also told him I was done having a babysitter in my house. This arrangement also left me watching SD from 4-8, leaving me with no time for myself on the weeks that we have her... So now I guess he is going to have the babysitter watch her at BM's house, BM watch her after she gets off work, and then he will pick her up after he gets off work. Which leaves 4 glorious hours of ME time on those days!!! I've also disengaged from her like some of you advised. Yeah we are in the same house but I'm no longer taking her potty, feeding her, bathing her, putting her to bed, etc. So far it's not been too bad for me, but SO is not a fan of the new arrangement... I can tell that it is stressing him out, which makes me sad, but I'm trying to stand my ground for my own sanity... The worst part of it all is the tension this has all created for Christmas... This year is his year to have her on Christmas Day...yippee. We were supposed to go to his family's in the morning and my family's in the afternoon. His family's got cancelled due to covid, which is kind of nice since it would have been alot in one day, but now we have more time just the 3 of us which has been super awkward lately. I asked if I should give him and his daughter the morning to themselves and we could all meet up at my family's house later, but that was followed by a big no.. I don't get why it's so important to him that I be there? I don't want to be there...the last thing I want to do on my day off is spend all of it with her. I don't know what to do..I've been trying to get back into the Christmas spirit but I'm afraid all of this has just ruined it for me this year.
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He wants you to babysit SD on Christmas
Or He wants one big Happy Family. Let him have alone time with SD. Let him get it...
These divorce people never get it.. They want new SO to do all the thing the old one did not. Even if it's not your kid. Because. Because. It's for the kids
I agree with Futuro - he
I agree with Futuro - he wants you there so he gets a break.
Look. If you don't want to be there on Christmas morning, DON'T BE THERE. If it makes you feel better to make an excuse (the dog upchucked or you're super tired), do so. But I think you should be honest and tell him that they should have father-daughter bonding time on Christmas morning. If you two are going to be together long-term, you have years ahead of you.
If you do what HE wants and are there on Christmas morning? Make sure you are part of the background. If she asks you for something, direct her to her dad.
Well, if he's not happy that
Well, if he's not happy that he has to parent his own kid, then perhaps he needs to give up his custody time to BM, rather than saddle his GF with parenting duties that aren't hers.
Like many divorced men, he seems to be looking for someone to take over parenting for him, rather than a partner. I'd keep that in mind as you go forward.
☆ THIS! ☆
Tog nailed it. Substitute mother, not a partner.
And not just for the skid(s). Mother, maid, financial manager, laundry-doer, bullsh*t-tolerater, etc. OMG.
I doubt he is looking for
I doubt he is looking for someone to watch SD on Christmas morning. He likely wants to spend the holiday with who he considers his family, which consists of you and SD.
Disengaging from SD's care is one thing, but you can't disengage from your BF just because SD is around. If what you want is a child-free relationship, then you need to find someone child-free. Dating someone with a child, and then transitioning in that relationship to something more serious, means you'll have to spend time together, especially on holidays. I can see where he would be put off that you only want to engage with him and SD when it's on your terms with your family.
That's not me saying he hasn't screwed up, or that you should start re-engaging with SD and doing any parenting for her. What I am saying is to take a good, long, hard look at this relationship and ask if it's really what you want for the rest of your life. Disengagement helps, but it's not meant to be used where your BF lives one life with SD and lives another with you, never to intertwine. Rarely, if ever, does that work, especially when the kids are such young minors.
I'm glad that he's listening to you and that you stood up for yourself. Just don't get into a spot where you will ONLY have it your way. You still have to compromise.
This was how my brain was
This was how my brain was thinking too, but put much more eloquantly than I could.