Insecurity
I have been in my 6 yo daughter's life (technically step daughter, but I refer to her as my own; Mama isn't really in her life anymore) for almost 5 years now.
I love her with all my heart. We do things together and she also refers me as her mom all the time but still calls me by my name which is totally okay with me.
Even though me and my fiance have been together for 4 and a half years and I have basically been her mother figure in her life for this long, I still get SO insecure and am so oversensitive to any arguments we get into. Is this normal after being her mom for this long? I feel like i should be confident with my mothering techniques by now..
I feel like she respects her daddy more. And it may not be that way, but I see it that way. When we get in arguments, afterwards, I feel like she hates my frikkan guts and I have failed her in every way possible.
Also, question. Its not that I don't love my step daughter. I care for her deeply and I would never want it any other way.
She is basically mine. But is having a kid of your own (one that comes out of your womb) a different feeling than being a stepparent? Do you have more patience, more confidence in your parenting?
Its just been so long that I've been a big part of her life. Im just wondering, do these insecurities, anxieties, and feelings ever go away for a stepparent? It literally tears me apart..
I want to be the best for her. My fiance says I am perfect for her. But I am so insecure STILL.
Thank you.
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Comments
This sounds super normal
This sounds super normal (from what I know) and similar to me. Have you heard of the book Stepmonster? I haven't read it but I've seen other articles written by the author and get the gist--stepmoms are treated differently by society. So even if you try to rise above that and not let it get to you, it's likely deep down in your psyche. And I am my own worst enemy. I worry that I'm too mean or too involved or too uninvolved, etc. with my SD10 (I've been helping raise her since she was barely 3, 50/50 custody). I have a bio kid as well, and it is much, much easier with him. Not just because I bonded with him more for obvious reasons and for more complicated reasons, but because I don't second guess my parenting nearly as much.
Also, moms (bio and step) get the shit end of the stick no matter what. Dads can do one little parenting thing well and get a trophy and Moms do one thing wrong and the kid/neighbors/whomever are so quick to judge. You likely have guilt on top of guilt. Maybe try reading The Confidence Code by Kay and Shipman. But if you don't have time, here are some key points that may help: on average, men do not spend time worrying about whether they were nice or did something well. And confident women don't either. You CAN learn to be confident. Just takes practice and undoing some habits. When you hear yourself being negative to yourself, pretend you giving your friend advice (and give that same compassion and advice to yourself). In other words, reframe the negative thought. You did not do x because you don't love your stepdaughter. You did it because of ... (likely because you DO love her) or because you are human! Men get to be human; they don't beat themselves up. Why don't you get that same option? Even if your SD is less forgiving with you. So be it. That's her problem. Doesn't mean you deserve that. She does not define you. And if she thinks she can get attention by making you feel badly, perhaps she is manipulating, even unconsciously. Kids can pick up on a lack of confidence very easily and will take advantage.
Where is her mother? Could
Where is her mother? Could she turn up at any time and claim the title of mother back? It happens. You aren't married and aren't her mother, really. I don't blame you for feeling insecure, you have no legal rights in this situation. And I'm sure the girl misses her mother and perhaps takes that out on you.
This is the harsh reality.
This is the harsh reality.
OP, as much as you may love this girl, and as much as she may feel like "yours", she isn't "yours".
I'm mostly confident in my parenting skills when it comes to the boys now because I've learned my role. I do love and care for my SKs, but it's in this odd nephew-kid hybrid sort of way. I want what is best for them and would do a lot for them, but I'm also not willing to blow up my own life for them the their parents might. And it would be irresponsible for me to take on more because they AREN'T mine and I have no legal rights to them (though one is an adult now, so he's his own problem now).
You can love and care about SD all you want, but unless you and your SO get married and you have the ability to adopt her (which comes with its own bag of problems), your ability to be a full mom is limited. And that's going to be restrained even more if BM is around (even if she isn't around like you and SO think she should be).
Her mother has been to jail
Her mother has been to jail twice and she now lives 2 and a half hours away from us. SD is not really her priority right now but she will come see her every now and then. She loves her mom dearly. But I do have the confidence to say if she had the choice between picking me or her mom in any situation, it would be me.
And also me and her daddy
And also me and her daddy will be married by next year.
Although you have been her
Although you have been her mom for many years, I am sure there is also that nagging feeling somewhere deep down that it could all be swept away from you any minute. That could definitely cause anxiety. You don't have those worries with a bio child. A counselor would be a great help to you.