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jennakaylee32's picture

Submitted by jennakaylee32 on Thu, 07/13/2017 - 10:15pm

Hi everybody, I'm new to this whole blogging thing but I figured I should give it a try. I need to find some way to relate to others with shared experiences. I have been in other relationships, even one other marriage before and I was a step-mother in my previous marriage as well. Now I didn't necessarily get along with my former step-children's mother but this time around I absolutely despise the woman. I have made every effort to get along with her and be cordial, but she is selfish and does not have her daughter's best interest at heart. We do everything we can to keep the peace but she has hired 3 different lawyers and caused a lengthy custody battle. She has put my step-daughter in dangerous situations and currently has her in a terrible school that is actually on probation because of how many citations they have received. Does anybody have a similar experience they can share? It causes problems within my relationship because her negativity and drama is constantly causing fights between us. Thank you and I hope to meet many new friends on this forum!

Comments

jennakaylee32's picture

Submitted by jennakaylee32 on Thu, 07/13/2017 - 11:13pm

Not at all. In fact, my hope is that she gets her act together and creates a stable environment for her daughter.. They are currently at 50/50 custody. All either of us want is stability for our 18 month old. I am not "being judgy". I thought this was a blog to vent and share experiences and gain advice?

jennakaylee32's picture

Submitted by jennakaylee32 on Thu, 07/13/2017 - 11:18pm

Also for the record, he is fighting for full-custody because he doesn't believe that she is fit to care for his daughter in a safe and reliable way. It causes fights because there is so much stress with all of the drama she causes.

jennakaylee32's picture

Submitted by jennakaylee32 on Thu, 07/13/2017 - 11:38pm

If you read what I said, I stated that I WANT her to step up and create a stable environment. I want her to be a good mother and pro or safety and health for her child. Who says that they aren't extreme circumstances? Please refrain from commenting if you aren't going to provide constructive advice. I came on this site to find people in similar situations that I could feel safe to chat with

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:42am

If what the OP is saying is true, then her boyfriend has an obligation not to send the kid back to his wife. Since they are still married and there isn't a CO in place,he would not be doing anything wrong by keeping the child in his home.

Since dad keeps sending the child back to his wife, I think the OP may not spinning a bit of a tale here. OR her boyfriends is just as bad as his wife when it comes to parenting

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:26am

Huh? Someone's a bit trigger-happy and touchy.

OP never referred to the stepkid as "ours" -- in fact, she has repeatedly referred to her as "her child" "her daughter" etc. referencing the BM. The only time she used the word "our" was in reference to the 18-month-old who actually is the bio-child of OP.

Maybe try reading before responding?

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:31am

I will make it easier on you and find someplace to meet you off I-75 Smile

I'll drink while you drive and then you can drink while I drive - wait....maybe I will hire a driver!!

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 3:45pm

YAAAS!!!!!!

I am always up for treats and a bike ride, but I will have to borrow a helmet?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 12:43pm

Fruity, you know I'm clumsy. Better warn Fuzzy Umpkins to be prepared to jump out of the way! I'll do my best to make up any peccadillos with some lovely fresh fish and ear rubs.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 2:52pm

Oh, Fuzzy Umpkins!! I have very nice fingernails. My sister's kittehs call me "Auntie Nails" and love it when I scratch their ear/tummy/back. Biggrin

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:32am

I always thought that was implied, but this post certainly blows that theory out of the water, doesn't it?

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Submitted by ItsGrowingOld on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:38am

It does! I implied it when I read your comment. But that doesn't mean the offenders do!!! Biggrin

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:35am

Yeah...I saw that below. Like you, I assumed the "our" was her bio kid.

Still...one "our" among a multitude of "her" or "hers" doesn't seem to warrant this level of attack. I don't really think of the skids as mine even remotely...but every once in a while I'll tell someone DH and I will be bringing "our" kids to an event or use that pronoun just for simplicity. It's easier than saying DH and I and his kids...Usually I'll say "the" kids to avoid the whole issue.

Anyway. I also don't think that it's never appropriate to remove custody from a bio-parent...though I think it's RARELY appropriate. My sister and her DH have full custody of her SS...and it was a nightmare to fight for it and get it though entirely necessary. DSS showed up at the door with a 5-year-old kid who couldn't wipe his own butt, tie his own shoes, or recognize letters and numbers he'd been neglected so badly. They took him away from his mom after the SECOND time she was caught driving high on meth with him in the car. So, yeah. They were completely justified in seeking custody...and it STILL took an Act of God to wrestle him away from his POS mother.

Without knowing what dangerous situations this poster is talking about, how can you possibly go on the attack like this?

jennakaylee32's picture

Submitted by jennakaylee32 on Thu, 07/13/2017 - 11:40pm

Also I believe you are confused, we don't have a "new child". When I refer to OUR 18 month old I am referring to my step-daughter because I play a role in her life as parent. As I am the one who rocks her to sleep, feeds her, drives her to school, clothes her and protects her. I want what's best for HER.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:00am

Ignore SuperJew. Trust me do not respond to her or give into her stupid stuff. She does this to every new person. She has got a big issue with women who are not biologically related to a kid being a mother or a parent.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:23am

She told me the same thing and I have never even come close to calling my SO's kid "ours". She does get on to those who want to be a good step-parent by being their for a kid a little to harshly. That is all I am saying.

OP is overstepping by calling kid "ours" that is not good. But Superjew accused me of stealing my SO's kid too and I never indicated that at all. Never even referred to SO's kid as mine.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:31am

She is a straight shooter, that's for sure.

One woman's "being their (sic) for a kid" is another woman's "overstepping."

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:38am

Yeah people need to be secure for sure. I just think OP isn't even a step-mom yet and calling the kids ours is a little much. Am I wrong?

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:43am

I am not butt hurt. I do not really care. Just commenting that she seems very invested in this little girl who is not even her step-daughter yet. I get it I do I feel the same sometimes about my future SS.

I try real hard to keep myself in a reality check of he is not mine and he can be gone at anytime. I was just trying to point that out.

OP seems concerned is all and is young. Some people are getting harsh about it. I just said I found it all and a little to much out of concern for the OP.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:11am

So, OP says something and we all need to take it as gospel?

YOU don't know that it's true, I don't know that it's true, though I did ask OP for some examples, NO ONE knows if it's true.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Sat, 07/15/2017 - 10:44am

But it seems fruitless ( not excluding you, Fruity!) to have a conversation with the assumption that the person starting the discussion is lying about everything. Maybe the OP has flaming pants, maybe not. But assuming everything said is untrue will just lead to a clash of opinion. Whoever is louder or faster will win.

There are some posters I don't believe. So I don't engage. Usually, lol. That works for me. If I'm not sure, or think the poster is immature it inexperienced, and I feel like making the effort, I offer my perspective and ask some questions to understand better. No answers to the questions, or the kind of answers, tell me all I need to know about the accuracy of the OP's information and perspective

But I usually enjoy disagreement and difference. I like trying to peer into someone else's life and thinking. Sometimes I'm horrified, but more often I learn something. Maybe even something about myself.

Just my $0.02.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:14am

I hate that "I don't judge" crap. You judge, I judge, the whole world judges, every damn day.

To say otherwise is to be a hypocrite...

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:26am

"I say our kids when referring to my stepson and daughter. "

While I go out of my way to NOT say our - lol!

I usually stick with "the" if I have to reference them at all.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:37am

Maybe.

Unless the other woman who had the kid is a worthless meth addict who endangered her kid's life multiple times...like happened to my sister's SS. Then, I think the woman who is willing to "be there" with financial and emotional support for a kid who isn't hers is a GD hero.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:24am

Read my comments, no I am not in support. Yeah I know what you say mostly I am no dumb just know you have also told me that I was trying to push out his whole family and my SO just so I could have a kid. Not even remotely true.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:32am

HEY - it's "u r no dumb"

GET IT RIGHT, WOMAN!!!

Or I will come to your house and make a grilled cheese and eat it off your meat plates. Yes, I have done it before. I have no problem doing it again Blum 3 Blum 3 Blum 3 Blum 3 Blum 3

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:49am

Based on your blogs, you were trying to push his family to the side so that you can take on the mommy role. You even complained about grandma spending the day with the 3 of you because if she were there, she would step in to take of the kid's needs.

SuperJew and I rarely agree on most topics posted here, but she is not the person you are painting her to be

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 10:07am

Maybe not but I have my impression. Again they are venting posts I no way push his family out. We both try to include all our family both sides into a lot of things we do. His mom does get on my nerves, I will not lie about that. If she brings over a ton of sweets or can respect the rules we have laid out in our house than yeah I am gonna get grippe but I will never deny her to see he grandson.

I am not that horrible.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 12:38pm

Yeah and I will stand by telling her not to come to our house if she can not respect our rules and mind her own business when in our home. Never once said I would keep the kid away from her.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:32am

Nothing wrong with fighting for full custody. I do agree she should not refer to the child as ours as the child has a mother that is present in her life. She is still new to this kid and is only the GF. She does need to calm down.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:03am

Yeah technically. Come one we all know sometimes circumstances drag things out. People can move on emotionally way before they can legally sometimes. Some sates require legal separation for a year before getting divorced.

My parents separated two years before officially divorcing, first money and than I think my dad put off signing the paper for a little. I know big things was being able to afford it. We did not have much at the time.

I would not call her the other woman.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:22am

Just because people CAN move on, doesn't mean they SHOULD, especially when kids are involved.

There is no technically here - people are either married, or they aren't.

She is the other woman.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:36am

Yeah she is. So a person is suppose to be alone and only think of their child and not care about their own needs. Sometimes people will not sign papers or drag things out for years. Are you really suppose to wait for everything to be final before moving on.

I just do not agree. If one person is being a complete a-hole about things and dragging things out (I do not know if this is the case with OP) I think the person who is ready to move on should. Not rush to have another person in their child's life but at least date and see other people. We are human and all have a need to feel close to someone once in a while.

It is just not always black and white is all I am saying.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 12:27pm

Of course not, but a person can have a dating relationship and keep the kids away from it until the divorce is final, no?

There is moving on and then there is moving in.

I knew I was going to marry DH from the first night we met. We dated for 5 months before we got engaged and then got married 5 months after that. He didn't meet my kids - who were 14, 14 and 18 at the time - until we were engaged. He never spent one night at my house when the Things were in residence. I had an emergency hysterectomy a month before our wedding and he moved in to help take care of me - into the spare bedroom.

So, yeah, it really can be that black and white.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 12:37pm

It can be but it is not always that black and white. I am sorry it just is not all the time. I do not think if the other person like an ex makes things so difficult and hard to move forward you should not. Than that person wins and gets what they wanted to make your life crap and make you fell like crap.

If it has been over a year and things are still not finalized, not custody a divorce, and say you are engaged to another person why not let me move in or get a place together.

There are people out there that drag things on to literally make the other person's life hell. If you give in they win. Not every situation is the same is all I am saying and we do not know much about OP's.

I give you credit for waiting until you were engaged to introduce kids but some people do not get engaged for years or married for years.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 3:52pm

WHY ON EARTH WOULD ANYONE GET ENGAGED WHILE THEY ARE STILL MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE???????

EVERY single therapist/book/specialist/insertexperthere says that you should take things verrrry slowly when kids are involved. Most will say not to live together.

For the record, it was 10 months from first date to marriage - that is hardly years and years. Maybe people wouldn't have to wait years and years if they didn't jump into the next relationship before they are done with the one they currently find themselves in?

If people would simply focus on healing post relationship instead of fu*cking post relationship, things would be much, much better for ALL involved.

Good GAWD- get a vibrator, hire a hooker, just stop effing up kids!!

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:25am

I agree she is not the step-mom yet or that is not her step-daughter yet. I do understand how she feels like a parent when she is taking care of the child a lot. With that being said, I do not think she needs to refer to herself outwardly in public that she is a step-mom or has a step-daughter until they are legally married.

If she is only referring on here to the word "step" I get it I do to make things easier. She should probably not refer to the child as ours. I do find that odd as I have been with my SO and we all live together and I never refer to his son as ours. I do not even call him a step-son or refer to me as a step-mom yet to anyone. It is just not true.

My advice to her is to calm down take a look at big picture and understand that if this relationship does not work she does not get that child. OP is setting herself up for major heartache if she has invested that much feeling into this little girl so quickly and preemptively if you ask me.

I love my SO's son he is great kid but I know he is not mine, and I know he may be taken out of my life one day. That is the reality of step-parenting. One I hace acknowledged with myself and SO from the beginning.

OP needs to do the same.

Just J's picture

Submitted by Just J on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 3:37am

Hi. Not sure why you got jumped on from the get-go, I did t feel your post was judgy, but welcome. Sorry to find you are on this situation but you will find plenty of others in the same boat.

The vast majority of posters here will advise you to do what I'm going to advise and that is to disengage. Let your husband parent his kid and let him deal with BM. Just take yourself totally out of it. avoid drop offs and pick ups if you can, don't speak to her, don't let her call you or text you. There's zero reason to ever have to deal with her yourself, the kid is not your kid. I've been married 14 years and have spoken to BM only a handful of times, but never a real conversation ( just small talk), and we've never emailed or texted. She is not my problem.

If your DH is fighting for custody, I'd let him do it. If it's causing stress in your relationship, then just let him handle it. This is his battle. Let him know you don't want to hear about BM anymore, nor her drama or any part of this issue that is causing arguments. BM is not worth your marriage, not worth you fighting.

I do have to agree with one other reply though, that you shouldn't be referring to your SD as "ours" or "mine." Not only is that going to piss BM off if she ever hears it (and why fan the flames if she's already difficult?) but she's not yours. You may love her and she may love you, but trust me, adorable little girls sometimes grow up into snotty teens who will inevitably utter the phrase "You're not my mom" sooner or later, and the sweet, precious toddler you loved as your own will turn on you and align with BM to paint you as the evil stepmother. I guess I'm just saying proceed with caution, don't get too close. Be more like a fun aunt or friend. Let your DH do the heavy lifting of parenting and you do the fun stuff.You're not obligated to do anything else.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 4:51am

"Hi all! I am a 24 year old preschool teacher from California. I have an 18 month old step-daughter. We are not married yet because the divorce has been drawn out due to custody battles with his ex. Hoping to get advice and coping mechanisms for others in similar situations! Thanks." [profile]

Uh oh, this isn't going to end well.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 7:37am

I'm curious now as to why , (at the ripe old age of 24, a first marriage where OP was SM to stepkids and already divorced #1, and onto man #2 who is also a father , this time with a baby and man #2 not yet divorced)what went wrong in her first marriage and attempt at being a SM? And why she'd race into it a second time so soon.

That's a lot of time spent fighting with BMs and playing tough of wars over children that even belong to her. Why would anyone want to spend their young adulthood tied up in divorce courts and custody battles?

OP, what happened to your last stepchildren and do you still have a relationship with them? Did you consider those children 'yours' too? What kind of custody arrangement did your 1st husband have of his children and did that BM allow you to be Mommy to those stepkids?

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 8:07am

So far this young lady has had to deal with 2 BMs and has had problems with both of them. Different men, different kids, different BMs, but the same SM. Perhaps the OP is the problem and not the mothers.

What 18 month old attends school? If BM would were to put the kid in a top notch day care center($$$$$$$),would the OP then bitch about mom asking dad to help pay for the center?

Playing house with a married man is never a good idea.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 8:16am

I find it interesting that the dads have been left out of this. Dad should be the one picking up BM's slack, not the SM.

Why is a childless 24 year old so hell bent on playing house with other people's kids (and husband)?

She should be in school or starting her career, partying, dating and traveling the world with friends.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 8:32am

You're in a situation where it's hard to step back because it affects you, but your boyfriend needs to handle his business. In fact, it was pretty selfish of him to get involved with you, while he is still fighting his wife in divorce/family court. Not really a great decision, on your part, either.

Would he be fighting for full custody if he was single? What kind of dangerous situations has BM put the baby in? How long have you been with him?

It's hard to watch someone neglect or put a baby in harm's way, but this is your boyfriend's fight and there isn't anything you can do, except be there for him, emotionally but if it's causing problems in the relationship, something's got to give.

This is really not your fight but you are already so involved, which is probably part of the problem with BM. They are not even divorced yet, nor do they have custody figured out, and here you are in the mix, playing Mommy to her baby. This should be between her and your BF, but now BM feels like it's between her, your BF, and YOU, and that should not be the case. Do you think that most women wouldn't put up a hell of a fight if her husband and his girlfriend were trying to take full custody of her baby? I sure wouldn't make it easy.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:22am

agreed ...OP, have you seen these alleged dangerous situations or are you relying on the word of a man who may want you to be more of a parent than he is willing to be?

If things are dangerous, were the proper authorities alerted? Investigations conducted? Conclusions made??

If you were my daughter, and my DD is 26, I would have advised you to stay single and look for a man without all this baggage. I would also have strongly encouraged you to not play house with a married man. That rarely ends well, especially at your age.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 9:50am

Welcome to ST, Jenna. If you stick around you will find lots of stories you can relate to. You will get some great ideas and over time you will learn the advice here can be very mixed. So take what you need and leave the rest.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

Submitted by onwednesdayswew... on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 10:00am

Good Lord y'all, this lady just asked for advice and the claws come out. Not helping.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 3:20pm

18 month olds go to school?

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Set them and maintain them.

One thing that is your business that you don't seem to have investigated is why the divorce isn't final. Custody and divorce are separate issues and custody does not need to be resolved before divorce is finalized. What's your personal situation that you would move in with a guy who is not actually available to move forward in a relationship with you?

Another area that is your business that you don't seem to have any questions about it why doesn't your boyfriend take care of his kid? If you're the one taking care of her, or the mom is, then what is he doing?

What is NOT your business is how the mom takes care of the kid. At all, ever. If your boyfriend feels like his daughter is in dangerous situations, he needs to be calling the police, CPS, his lawyer, what-have-you. If you are lucky enough to know how one of those systems work and can smooth the road for him, great. Otherwise, all you can really do is be a nice person - but you can't save this kid. Some stepmoms have sort-of done that with their stepkids, but that's because the dad did the hard stuff like file for custody etc.