I really don't know where to begin but I need to vent so very badly. The basics been married for two years have a soon to be one year old daughter with DH and have his 7yo with us full time. We were quick to marry and tho happy we have a lot of things between us that due to some very unfortunate unnecessary and stressful stuff has in a sense made us put working out those things on the back burner....which of course only adds more to the already stressful relationship. BM was barely in picture when DH and I got together. He raised his daughter from basically day one and she had little to do with her...so bad that she would never even spend night with her mom...that has now changed some and she spends time with her useless BM who's as fake and as careless as can be....however at this point in time she is a lot better off than us in her life and I guess is "1 up".
More basics my DH is a very hot tempered and firey person spouts off and gets upset easily...he's not abusive but can border it verbally when the stakes get high.

I will say this we don't communicate well and we have very obvious parenting differences. That's obviously our problem but with so much else going on it makes it so hard then factor in his hot defensive personality...

I TRIED in the beginning with SD7 I honestly did. I have a low tolerance level with whiny attention seeking children. And that's her to a t. She is mouthy, and is pulling all kinds of misbehavior and arguing and tho I believe in spanking etc I find myself DREAMING sometimes daydreaming of what other physical stuff I'd like to do....she's the type if she pushes by you and you hold her in place she claims ur hurting her etc...the kid can't even brush her hair or take a bath. Bed whenever DH uses the tv as a night babysitter so she's usually asleep by midnight or 2am. Can't eat a speck of food complains about everything and "its not her fault she forgets". I seriosuly wish I could slap her. It makes me sick thinking about her around our daughter etc cause I know she does stuff she's not supposed to behind our backs...and I would murder while he would just yell and give her a lollipop 15min after....I believe in structure and dicipline....I have a lot to learn and I'm not afraid of that but I just cannot take this anymore as its getting to the point where I really hate the child because it is constant fighting...DH tries to place that blame on me but I try to be uninvolved as I can and when I'm not in picture he goes thru same crap. I will not allow my own child to behave in this manner...no child is perfect but seriously what can I do other than step in and reassure that I am the mean nasty step mom I already am and force dicipline...as I type this at after midnight she's in watching a movie...I'm pulling my hair out I really am...if I step in, and this child goes to live with her mother who doesn't do squat for her daughter (as in bought her an adult sized bathing suit when she was 5 like seriously I think it was a size 18 womens and her daughter was wearing like a 9/10 kids) which she is already saying she wants to do I believe DH will blame me for it and I'm sure subsequently divorce me and I will go thru a lengthy nasty custody battle fighting for my daughter against his wealthy family...that's where I'm at I feel like my marriage is contingent on that monster being content...

Back to more of my frustration what do I do?
How do I as a step mom to this thing get this under control? Would I be stepping over bounds by taking control of it all??? And forcing him to sit and watch? I seriously don't know if I could do it fairly at this point as I have so much animosity and resentment built up towards this kid that at times can be a really good kid the rest is hell, rude yelling screaming now she hits herself in the head when she gets upset....she is spoiled and was spoiled rotten and omg I have so many different angles I could go on esp when it regards my own child... HELP!! Lol its so nice to see such a collection of people that offer advice and share experiences. I know my life is in utter ruin right now and has to be gotten under control but isn't that life? Lol