How do I approach this with DF?
A comment on my last blog has been making me think. Someone asked why I make my kids do chores when my skids have no chores and no responsibilities. They asked how I felt making my kids be the skids servants.
I've been thinking about it a lot. I absolutely know it's unfair to my kids. I also absolutely know that I want my kids to do chores. It's not about them cleaning up, it's about them learning the value of work, and contributing to their home. My BD has asked why the skids don't have to do anything, and I've used it as an example for her - I want her to grow up to become a decent, functioning adult, and I don't think it does the skids any favors to be allowed to sit around and never contribute.
My kids' chores are not onerous - put away the clean dishes, vacuum the living room, clean the bathroom (I pay for that one) - so it's not like my kids are slaving away for hours each day.
I also think that it puts a separation in the family - this is my kids' home (my BS is here 50% and my BD 90% of the time) and so they have an investment in their home by helping to make it nicer. My skids are here 50% of the time as well, but by never asking them to contribute, my DF is treating them like guests. This is not their home, merely a place they come and trash, and then someone else cleans up after them when they go back home to BM's place (where they have chores...)
I'd like it to be different - this is a huge source of resentment for me toward my skids - but it's not really their fault, it's my DF's fault. So I guess it's a huge source of resentment toward him. I have the common problem that when I try to talk to him, he gets really defensive, and attacks me, saying I am against them (he says "us", like he and his kids are a team, and I am the outsider, this hurts). But really, my problem is with him, right?
So how can I talk to my DF about this? Yes, my kids do some chores, but the brunt of the work falls on me, and I am tired of feeling like the servant, tired of cleaning up after five kids, four of whom are teenagers now.
I've tried not doing anything, but I HATE living in a filthy house, and no one else seems to care. And I don't want my kids living like that either, I want to show them the example of living a good life, which for me includes things generally tidy and clean.
When I met my DF he was living in an apartment with all three skids and it was disgustingly filthy. He was overwhelmed with three kids and full-time work, and his house was bad. It's much better now, but he is a slob still. So that's another part of the problem. I am always going to want the house cleaner than he does (I am not even close to a neat freak though, I just don't want to live with visible dirt everywhere).
How can I approach this? Should I tell him that I think he is making the skids feel like guests?
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Just tell your children that
Just tell your children that the skids are being raised to be worthless ahole slobs and you don't want that for them.
So that is kind of my current
So that is kind of my current strategy
but I'd like to be able to talk to my partner about it. I have been going with the grit my teeth and bear it until they are gone approach, but there's years and years more of this. The oldest SD is the worst, and I still have three more years of living with her!
We rent, so that's not an
We rent, so that's not an issue. And yes, you can then argue that I should just move out, but I want to try and make this work.
Yes, sorry, 50% is EOW, week
Yes, sorry, 50% is EOW, week on, week off. Mine are on a more complicated schedule (5,2,2,5) well, at least my BS is, my BD is here all the time except EOWE at her dad's.
He does have other good
He does have other good qualities! but yes, he is a slob.
The teen skids are well, teenagers. Dirty, lazy, smelly. You need to stand over them to get them to do anything, and my DF is afraid that SD15 will leave and go live with her mom full time if he asks her to do anything. She is not a bad kid - he is ripe for the whole mini-wife scenario (that will be the youngest SD, I'm working on nipping that in the bud right now, but she is still little), so she doesn't take advantage of him, but she just.doesn't.do.anything.
I stand over my own kids so they do their chores, and I don't have the energy to stand over his kids. I do throw out things left out, so many socks!!
You are right, there is more to this than just the mess. It is so complicated, and I do wonder if it's worth it. There are more issues than just this, also, but this is always in my face.
At first when we moved in together, almost 2 years ago, I was going to do "house chores" and have everyone contribute, and he just wouldn't back me up. So then I tried letting it go, and it got so gross I couldn't handle it, and then I tried yelling, and then I disengaged, and then(! I am a little slow), I decided to do it my current way, which produces the least amount of resentment in me.
I clean as much as I can without becoming resentful, I make my kids do chores for their own sakes, and I ask my DF to do specific tasks - which he does, no fighting there! It's just that the skids do nothing. I am not sure how much I can suck it up for how long.
He is not your DH yet? your
He is not your DH yet? your poor kids. they have chores but your future DHs kids do not at your house? Your kids must hate his kids, him and quite possibly you. Do not marry him. It is not fair to your kids. Live seperately and date if you must, but put your children first.
Can you two afford to pay
Can you two afford to pay someone to do the housework? He is unlikely to get his kids to do anything ( though one last effort at discussing it might be worthwhile) and it isn't worth causing major resentment in your marriage over (in my mind) so perhaps sharing the cost of paying someone else is worth a cleaner home, a calmer less resentful you and a happier marriage. If the stepkids go on to be slobs so be it, they won't be living in your home when they are adults. Your husband is unlikely to change his ways. Your kids will be fine, everyone wins.
Sort of. I probably can, but
Sort of. I probably can, but not on a regular basis. My DF can't. We don't share money, we split the bills, and I'm not willing to combine money until the kids are all out.
But you are right, I have thought about it, and I think it needs to be done. I have been putting it off - overwhelmed, a bit depressed, my anxiety acting up like no-ones business. But I need to. Thanks for making me think about it again.
Some battles are not worth
Some battles are not worth fighting. If nothing is going to change and a relatively small amount of money spent every couple of weeks saves huge issues and resentments and the rest of the marriage is worth it then why not. The op's kids benefit by continuing to live in a two adult household that will be more harmonious and by having a mother who is less stressed.
Sometimes a little money can solve a problem and if you can afford to spend that money why make your life harder than it needs to be?
This is what I've
This is what I've done....
Chores list for all the kids, and if it's not your bio's turn to do the dishes then they do not have to do the dishes, DH can do it in place of his lazy ass children. See this way your kids are not slaves to skids.. their father is...
My son once complained about him have to do dishes every second day and Aergia did nothing, I smiled and said, well I'm your mother and not her and if I tell you to do so you will or bare the consequences... eventually he noticed SO is doing dishes for his daughter and he was stunted....
Another thing that works without complaint from bio kids.... they have their chores, but as soon as they do skids chores they get paid for it, they can decide if they want the money or if they want time off, and DH must pay them.. not you... if they want time off, guess who's picking up skids slag - yes DH..
I was in the same situation
I was in the same situation as you (all around -- skids had no chores, DH's apartment prior to my arrival on scene was GROSS, especially the kids' room, etc). DH at least had enough sense in his pointy little head to help out with housework, but only if asked. So..... I made a point of ASKING him to put the skids's dishes in the dishwasher (my kids did that automatically after each meal). I ASKED him to please vacuum, clean, and dust the skids' bedroom and bathroom. Although DH would do this when asked, he actually hates housework. So, after a while of having to clean up their messes (they were here every weekend, would trash their room then leave without lifting a finger) he started getting on them to do it themselves.
When the skids would lie and say they cleaned it when they really hadn't, I'd send DH up there to clean again.
It took a while, but he got it.
And we all know how absolutely difficult it is to explain to one set of kids why the other set doesn't have some of the same basic expectations (keeping the bedroom clean, NO FOOD IN THE BEDROOM, etc). I know it's a necessary evil, but I will admit that I harbored a LOT of resentment against both DH and the SK's because DH wouldn't hold them to the rules and the SK's not only knew they could get away with it but would flaunt it in my kids' faces.