You all have been a plethora of knowledge and I appreciate your words.

I can handle brutal honesty, so I'm asking for a little help for DH and myself.

How do you separate your anger/frustration caused by BM from your SK when they have been brain washed and parrot such awful things as if fact. 

Logically we know its not the kids fault, but emotionally when something is said so nonchalant and is so vile It is hard to stomach taking the high road, ignoring and not having diarrhea of the mouth at all the ills of the BM.

My DH has two adult SKs. Both PAS to an extent. They both were MIA for 5 years or so, but the eldest in the last couple years has made great strides and they've reconnected. The other not so much. There have beent two grandchildren born to the 2nd Adult SK and while my DH reached out to both adult SKs at the same time,(a couple weeks before 1st grand kid) only the eldest ever responded and as mentioned a new more adult respectful relationship has emerged. 

This is super random and doesn't bother me much, but someone else's post got me thinking.

DH has two ex wives with children.

The 1st never to this day got remarried. The kids have both been married and divorced themselves so late 20's early 30's age wise kids.Their mom has never changed her name.

2nd ex remarreid and took new guy's name.

Would you offer to pay to have 1st ex change her last name? LOL random I know...but why wouldn't she have at this point? I think it's like $100 bucks. 

I think it's safe to say a lot of us have seen the same situations played out by some of these HCBMs so many times that "playbook" is an accurate description of the shenanigans.

I'm really frustrated with how much financial havoc these people can cause.

Even with a CO and many DHs paying the CS on time without fail, the premiums for insurance, the out of pocket %'s it is never enough.