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Why do I (SM) feel like I have to compete for Dad's attention with SD

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Wed, 09/08/2010 - 9:21am

This is something that I really need advice on... I am having a hard time dealing with SD Full Time! I am not saying I hate her or don't want her there; but it is as if I can't find how I fit in the equation and I am gettin depressed. I feel as if I exert a lot of time and energy with my SD; When she talks it is always directed towards Dad ~ Dad this and Dad that.
I have in a way been finding myself (I really hate to say it) being a little stand offish with my OWN daughter?!?!? I have noticed it and I wonder why I would do that?? Is it because my SD13 - BM asked her to leave and I feel bad.
I don't force a relationship with my SD; her and her dad are trying to find their's and I think it is a bit over the top if you ask me. He has to go in her room if she wants something; she'll follow him around the house all evening...Just talking to him. Just once I would love him to say something like, "We are all sitting or standing here; you can talk to ALL of us."
I think I may be a little silly about things that shouldn't matter but I can't help it; I almost feel like the third wheel.
I really want to devote my time into my bio kids; is that rude??

Comments

lisa510's picture

Submitted by lisa510 on Wed, 09/08/2010 - 9:34am

I understand how you feel. My SD16 does the same crap. She's been with us for two months and she has tried to control the mood of the house. I don't know how to deal with these either. I try to tell my DH that she's 16 and not 6 but he gets offended. He caters to her and to me, which I think is f'd up. I think it puts she and I on the same platform and I don't agree with that.

My SD has gotten a little better, but it's been a trying situation. Sometimes, I just want to leave!

You're not being silly. All I can say is try to control yourself and give it a little time. These behaviors should start to taper off within a couple of weeks. Your SD may be trying to assimilate into the situation.

I don't have girls, but I get a feeling they compete with their dad's significant other; almost trying to be the "other woman." I don't know....I could be totally off mark.

krenee86's picture

Submitted by krenee86 on Wed, 09/08/2010 - 9:48am

Its not a silly matter if its something thats bothering you! I don't think its rude at all to want to devote a little more time into your bio kids. Just be sure to make an effort with your SD as well. I think that maybe shes just shy or maybe doesn't feel comfortable around you yet. I don't know how long she has been your SD but that just might be the case. She could be clinging to her father because shes scared to lose him? I think its important to try and make efforts with your SD but don't put all your time and energy into it, she will come around to you on her own terms. For now maybe do what you can, what she allows and if she doesn't want anything to do with you right now be thankful for your own bio children or child. Make sure they are getting as much attention as your trying with SD.
Another thing thats possible.. do you all live together? Or do you as a family do a lot together like your bio daughter and SD? Its quite possible SD is being competitive/jealousy thing. SD might be clinging to her father more because she sees your daughter and how your bond is with her and knows its different. She could be doing it as a punishment to you for having your own bio daughter. Just something to think about, maybe I am completely off base. I don't have my own children I'm only a step mother to a 3yr old boy. Little girls are a whole different thing but maybe a little of what I said helps you some.

I wish you luck!

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Wed, 09/08/2010 - 10:38am

Thanks for the advice!! I have been with my SD13 since she was just 2; Long time!!
She has moved in with us FT about 3 months ago. I am hoping things change. and we have talked with her about bieng so clingy with dad and if I am in the room to acknowledge me; but nothing changes! I am waiting for him to stick up for me; but nope!
BM is no where to be found; no evenings; weekends; no lunch $. NOTHING; dad keeps on trying to push me on her as a Mother; kind of bothers me; I don't want to be her "mother"
When it comes to laundry, dinner, rides, etc. then it's okay; but the minute I step in and punish her like I would my BK; I get called a B*tch and told I am over reacting. Hearing things like this come out of my mouth makes me think and feel like a lot of my frustration isn't my sd it's my FH!!!