What about doing separate, individual counseling? Then you don't have to sit and defend, you can say your viewpoint and get advice or challenged by a third-party.

DH and I tried couples counseling. We each went separately once and then started meeting together, and it ended up only being once. DH thought that since the counselor didn't think he had ADHD (something that had come up and OSS was diagnosed), that that meant everything was fine, he was fine, he was right, and the counselor told us just to do more fun things together. (Yet DHs list for "fun" things we were told to make by the counselor was a list of stuff to do--like we should do bills together more, woohoo.)

Go yourself, find out why you end up being defensive and backing down. Yes, it could be him but you are the one feeling it, so learn to understand it.

You can not change other people. You can only change yourself.

Maybe do a combo of alone and couples?! I also would maybe tell the therapist what you are expecifng to get out of it upfront.  Like tell them “Our last therapist was a great listener but we are hoping that you can give us more suggestions, we feel that would be helpful”.   

Yeah, couples counseling won't work if one person is completely unwilling to change and compromise.  It just ends up with that person using it as a platform to prove they are right and the other is wrong - which is the very issue bringing you into therapy in the first place.

I'd go for some individual therapy and decide how/whether you can cope with this and stay long-term.

Couples counseling can be useless if one of the parties really doesn't want to change and it sounds like that's where your husband is at.  ExH and I went to two sessions where he sat with his arms folded and didn't speak the entire time.  At least the counselor could see who was the majority of the problem!  

DH and I had major issues with adult skids, particurarly ss33 in the beginning of our relationship. ss just about tore us apart, we were at an impasse where it was ss has got to go or I will.  At that time I asked DH to go to counseling with me and he refused so I went by myself.  Did going by myself help our dynamic? Absolutely!  I spent 6 sessions telling the therapist everything that had happened and she was horrified at the treatment I was recieving from ss and DH.  She helped me establish solid boundaries with both of them and basically disengage from ss.  

I am willing to just try counseling for myself only but I dont think that in the long run it will impact our marriage that much.

If you change the way you approach your marriage the dynamic will change.  

I can work on me and my stuff to improve myself. but to really resolve things in a marriage doesnt it take two? 

Not really.  Youre already in a one way relationship and DH is going to do what he's going to do regardless of how you feel about it.  It's time for you set some rules for your own life and especially how you relate to the marriage.  Wife doesn't need to mean subserviant doormat.

Dont we both need to go to counseling together to work thru the step family issues etc.?

Sounds like he thinks things are fine and there's nothing to work through.  He just wants you to see things his way and allow him to do what he wants to do.  This is where you separte yourself from his family issues and your finances from the pot.  

Doesnt it take compromise and understanding on both sides? 

That's the ideal right?  If your DH was able to do this he would probably still have an intact first family.  

We had some luck with it. We chose both counselors because my husband had already seen both years before for problems with his first marriage, childhood trauma and depression.

One was as you described -- he listened, didn't offer much. The other was OK, but could be a little aggressive. We didn't fix our marriage, but we got direction on exactly what to do when conflict happened.

Here are some suggestions based on what you wrote.

If you feel yourself shutting down in a session, tell the therapist you're shutting down. This might be helpful info for her to understand your dynamic. If nothing else, that means the therapist has to intervene sooner to take a break, offer feedback or change whatever is happening that's making one of her clients shut down before her eyes -- her goal is to keep both of you from shutting down so progress doesn't stop.

If you feel you're back in the pattern of you two just talking and talking with nothing coming back from the therapist, SAY THAT! Stop talking, look right at her and say, "Here we are again. Now what?" If she's not giving you what you need, ASK FOR IT. There are lazy therapists, distracted therapists, and maybe some feel you two arguing in front of them has some weird therapeutic benefit to you. You know it doesn't. The next time you feel stuck in the gripe cycle, direct your attention to the therapist and ask her, "Now what? This is exactly how we fight at home. How do we stop the cycle?"

You'll be starting with a new therapist. That's a good time to tell the new one EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED FROM HER, just like telling a hair stylist what you want. Tell her you've been unsuccessful before because the therapist did not give you enough feedback. Tell her you want practical tools, not theories, to help you two keep out of the patterns you mentioned. Tell her you already communicate, but you don't progress beyond the same themes. Ask how you get past airing your complaints to resolving.

Before you go, discuss with your husband what you both think the problems are. Pick one or two to focus on with the therapist at first. Agree on solid examples of how each problem played out between you so the therapist can get a feeling of what she would have seen and heard if she'd been there with you when it happened. Agree with your husband, as much as possible, on how you'll present the examples and the language that you agree fairly describes it. (And here's why you give the therapist examples...) And then you ask the therapist exactly what you both could/should have done differently in the example you described. Ask her to pick it apart and say where you went wrong. This should help you get more direct feedback from the therapist and it will give you really practical tools to apply to the stuff that you repeatedly argue about because you KNOW it will come up again.

For example, my husband and I agreed SD was a problem in the marriage. We told the therapist that and then gave her specific examples of times when SD caused a fight between my husband and me.

The example we gave once was that when we watch movies, SD draped herself over my husband on the sofa and I sit on the floor with the dog. I told the therapist, "It makes me feel weird -- like I'm the child and she's the wife." My husband said, "That's ridiculous. She's my daughter, not my wife. Why would you think such a disgusting thing?" This is where the therapist should intervene, right? Because there's a deep divide here that needs to be navigated and interpretted by a third party. If you therapist doesn't offer anything at this point, YOU ASK.

In our example, the therapist said to my husband, "SD is not a child; she's 25. You are married. You are physically putting SD in the literal position of a wife. That's mixed messaging to a SD already struggling with territory issues because you treated her like a wife for 10 years and now you have, well, an actual wife and she is competing with your new wife. Set clear boundaries for SD, physical and otherwise: SD needs to sit in a chair. You need to sit next to your wife on the sofa. This shows SD the new pecking order. If SD is already on the sofa when you get to the room, YOU sit on a chair. You do not give SD any space to drape herself on you and that begins to break the physical territory issues. The emotional ones will follow."

You see? The therapist addressed the why (you treated SD like a wife for so long and now she's confused and competing with your wife), but also exactly how we should address the problem from now on (don't sit where she can "mark you;" show her you're paired with your wife by making a point to sit next to your wife). (Yes, my husband needed that kind of literal direction to break his kid's hold on him.)

If you give the therapist an example, you can get more concrete answers, I think. (I interview a lot of people for work, and this is one of my tricks when I need better explanations. If you still get nothing back, time to reconsider the therapist.)

Counseling didn't fix our marriage. Counseling just gave us a few tools to get through the rough patches. Don't expect too much from it, but I think you should come out of a session feeling like you have something new to try when things get ugly. Make that your goal: if you get to the end of a session and all you did was gripe back and forth, ask the therapist for something solid to try over the next week. Don't let them get away without giving you something for your money. You can argue at home for free.