And then, and then...a beautiful unicorn!
SD11's bday dinner at grandparents. DH decided to purchase an iPad mini for her. Sigh. As she's impatiently waiting for him to set it up he says: "If you treat it well, OP (me) and I are going to buy you a MacBook when you are 15!" Then I said "Oh wow, ok!" Death eyes from SD11, MIL, FIL and DH. DH leaves to step outside. I eventually follow. I say: "we just got her an iPad. One step at a time." He says: "that's fine but you could've talked to me privately to communicate how you feel about this!" And then silent treatment from him for the last remainder of the evening. Am I crazy? Maybe being a jerk? Or maybe should we have talked about it before he bribed her to take care of this piece of technology with more technology? It's the "it's my money when it comes to my daughter, but 'our' money otherwise problem. Are you going to promise her a house without discussion if she takes care of her MacBook at 15 years old?
Sigh.
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Thanks for your comments.
Thanks for your comments. Yes, one of my biggest problems is not speaking up and letting him walk all
Over me. Just recently (the last year or so), I have been starting to speak up more. It never seems to end well but it gets my point across, I guess! So at least he knows how I feel. We slept on it and then tried to have a calm discussion about it this morning. I said to him that if we are a partnership, it is our money together and we should be making these decisions together. I told him that it bothered me that we had never discussed this previously. He said he decided about the MacBook in the moment and I said, yes and I reacted in the moment. You can't have a double standard for this. This is what the issue is and has always been. He wants me to be involved and be included in a life with his daughter, as long as I agree with everything he wants to do/decide. If I disagree, I get vetoed because he is the father. He actually just said that. "Well, I have the right to make the decision because I'm her father." He then followed it up with the fact that he makes more money than me so he gets more control as to what he spends it on. Then he insulted my father: "even though your father was a dead beat, doesn't mean I'm going to be one." Then walked away from me. He gets soooooo defensive anytime we have a conversation about the stepparent situation.
He just came back to apologize but also said we should have more financial independence from each other and not make all decisions together. I know he wants her to continue to love him but buying her gadgets is not the way. Believe me, I know! That's how my father showed his love. No real parenting. Just Disney style...but he wants it to be that way: he wants our house to be a vacation from her regular responsibilities of her mother's house. Thaaat's a direct quote. My husband doesn't really parent. She's got terrible manners and horrible hygiene and issues with listening and focus(this is why the iPad mini was not such a wise idea in my opinion). I used to stay on top of these things but I got fed up of policing her and I stopped. I hoped he would jump in there, but he hasn't. It's driving me crazy lately. I have a really difficult time communicating these feelings to him because I barely understand them myself. However, because I don't openly talk about this, resentment grows and I passive-aggressively do and say hurtful things. He and I both have work to do.
People manage money
People manage money differently. I am a joint partnership kind of lady. This works out well for DH and me since I manage money better. I like the transparency and we each have accounts for personal things that both of us can see.
If my DH ever said that to me about money, I would separate finances immediately. He does make more but with CS, it was equal. That has ended and we are now focusing on getting his retirement to where it should be. So again, it evens out and I was the spouse that walked in with the assets. I'm telling you this because not everything is as clear as who makes more money.
It's time to have that financial independence your DH mentioned. Let him feel the impact and stop taking your money for granted.
I believe if money is joint, then purchases like a max book are discussed. I had to teach my DH this, it was never part of any of his previous relationship (including parents). And the MacBook reference is perfect (thank you Gimlet). I did buy my DD, 15 a MacBook this school year. I bought it from a separate account for SSI that is for her expenses. Even though that is not part of our joint finances, I discussed it with DH. It a courtesy, good manners and what partners should do, IMO. (She really did need a laptop for school.)
It only sounds like a
It only sounds like a partnership when he is getting what he wants, very one sided. I can't believe he even said because he makes more money that he essentially as more power. My DH said similar to me once and it really bothered me ( still does). I told him if that is the way it is then him and his son can only use 13% of the house because I own the other 87%. He did not like it but it shut him down and he has never anything like that to me again.
He is going to turn his daughter into such an entitled brat, it might be bad now but it will only get worse as she becomes a teenager and then a young adult.
My DH has a bit, no longer pays for skid's cell, car insurance or car repairs but still tries to do and fix everything for skid. it's a slow process and he back slides because old habits die hard I guess.
I feel bad because I know my
I feel bad because I know my husband is confused and scared to lose her. BM's family is where SD spent most of her time. We have her every other weekend. Her life at BM's house is good. Her Step father is good
To her. My husband feels like he is being squeezed out. I feel for him and I know guilt and fear motivate DH's defensiveness. Still, he is manipulative and controlling with me and I agree, Sue, that I allow it to happen. I'm trying to change that but of course it's not easy. I've most definitely learned this behaviour from my mother, the ultimate victim/martyr. In the beginning of the relationship I played this role and I was pretty unaware that I was feeding into the dynamic. During the last few years with my therapist, I have developed more of an awareness and understanding.
You're a smart cookie, Sue. Thanks for your astute and rather accurate observations! Thanks to everyone for your support. I spent a lot of time thinking I was crazy and feeling guilt for my unsettling feelings. It's a comfort to have support and learn through all of you.
I understand you feel sorry
I understand you feel sorry for your husband but stop it!
He's manipulating you so he can continue his Disney parenting with impunity.
I felt sorry for my DP too for a while (yes, it was a horrid divorce process) but now he knows it's over and I won't hear it as an excuse any longer.
Separate your money and step back with no further dilly dally.
If his concern is lack of
If his concern is lack of time with this child, and that is his excuse for horrible parenting, then he needs to increase his parenting time instead of being a crappy parent. If he can't increase his parenting time then he needs to stop being a crappy parent anyway. Kids don't respect pushovers. He is creating a situation where he will only be wanted by his child when he can in some way benefit the child...let him need something from that child and they will be "busy" or unreachable.
No one respects pushovers-
No one respects pushovers- kids or adults-- her husband proves this to her with the things that she continues to allow him to say to her. If he was my SO he would never forget the day he mouthed those words to me.
Touché. We already have
Touché. We already have separate bank accounts and divide the bills. He pays for more than I do in terms of CS (I don't touch that), car insurance etc. I'm not going to plan some grand gesture but continue to express my feelings.