This is my life! I understand totally what you are saying. It's exhausting to live it and see it. 

I'm dads GF to 2 girls. 11 and 15.  I have seen it more so over the last 2-3 years.

Last month I attended my very close relatives funeral.  I was so beside myself.  When I came home, they were here.  I cried on the front door in my BF arms because I was so sad after returning home from the funeral.  I walked in thr kitchen, the 15yo was there, nose in her phone, while I was crying.  I wiped my tears, blew my nose, sat next to her... waiting.  For something.  A hug.

10 minutes passed and she got up.. and said.. 'do you like my nose piercing?!'. 

Honestly.. they're like cheese and they absolutely grate on me.  All this type behaviour gets passed their dad and I have to have a quiet word with him in quiet. Asking him is he really that f.king dull of a dad to accept such cruel behaviour.

IT IS EXHAUSTING.  I AM COUNTING THE VERY FEW YEARS LEFT!!!!

I would probably say that almost every relationship we have is transactional.. even, to an extent with our own bio relatives... We participate in the relationship to the extent we get things we need or want... Now.. with bio parent/child..nuclear family type relationships.. part of the transaction is provided by nature.. with the biological bond.

But Bio kids are not immune from icing their parents out for not letting them go to the rock concert with their older boyfriend danny.  For not buying them that north face jacket.. because they will litterally DIE from embarassment wearing last year's model (even though it fits) 

A lot of it is how kids are raised.. the emotional makeup and behaviors of their own family... some kids are raised to be spoiled and entitled.. some are raised to be more empathetic and kind.  I do think Skids can end up harmed when the adults in their lives try to overcompensate for not being in their lives enough.. and shoot.. I think this is creeping well into typical intact homes where both parents work and parents start parenting to make their kid happy in the moment.. because they don't want to spend that couple of hours after work or on the weekend arguing.. and they just don't have the bandwidth to fight. 

And.. in some ways.. I think WE as SP see it transactionally.. we are mad because "I do XYZ for Skid and they are rude, entitled, ignoring me"  So.. yeah.. we think it's transactional too.. we don't love them just because... either.. 

My belief is that they care about themselves and not much about anyone else.  They have no compassion for anyone.  They couldn't care less about you or anything or anyone in your life.  Don't ever expect for them to do anything nice for you.  If at some point as they get older and they actually converse with you, be Leary, it's all an act.  They don't respect others.  It's all about them and what they want and what they will do to get it.  My DH was the Disney Dad, He bent over backwards for them, he worked two jobs for them, we were still paying off credit cards long after they became of age.  Did any of this matter, NO.  The oldest said one time well your my Dad that is what you are supposed to do.  The girls were mean girls, they made fun of others, they would talk and giggle in church (my children and I stopped sitting with them because it was embarrassing).  They would make messes and not clean them up, leave hateful little notes for my daughter to find, I have many horror stories!  Anyway they are now older and haven't changed.  It's still all about them.  My husband's birthdays, Fathers Day, Christmas come and go and he feels lucky if he gets a text.  When people near and dear to him passed on they never once reached out to him and asked him how he was doing.  They tell him via text after he reaches out that they love him but actions speak louder than words.  They never come to visit DH unless there is something in it for them.  And forget about me, to them I don't exist, I am just a person that there Father married.  They were more than happy to take from me  but I can tell you that they couldn't care less if I was alive or dead.  I truly tried and gave it my best shot for over 20 years but at the end of last year I quit.  I would never be mean to them but I will no longer give of my time or my money to them.  I tried, I really did.  I felt like what I did for my bio kids I should do for them but it didn't work out.  My bio kids completed college and grad school and they are doing great with their lives and their families.  Skids started college never finished but lied to DH and told him that they were still in college. SD's latched on to men that have great jobs so they don't work.  Just beware and guard you heart and your money, in my experience they will never change.

Not wrong at all.  Many two household CODs develop a perspective of "what can I get out of it?" and play both mommy and daddy against each other for favorite status with the Kid(s) who can be quite masterful at getting what they want out of both of their parents.  When the bio parents include one or more who are toxic and manipulative in aligning the kid with them and in taking down the other parent, and who perpetrate rude dismissive behavior towards the other parents mate, many SParents have a lot to deal with.

That SParents mate IMHO owes themselves, the SParent spouse, and their marriage to have zero tolerance for that kind of crap.  Bringing a hellish state of abject misery down on those ill behaved spawn has to be instant.

We were fortunate that this was not our experience. First, because DW nor I would play those games.  Second, the SpermClan did not have the means to play those kinds of games. Their schtick was manipulation, PASing, and toxicity.

SKs here basically only text or call with their demands. Mostly to run them around. They don't ever ask how he is or say hi. They get in the car and he always has to say hi how are you first . They say fine and don't ask him. 

From personal experience, this is completely true for me. I thought it was because my SS is autistic, but I guess this is just in general? 

I got diagnosed of cancer last year, and have finally finished most of my treatments now. During all the time my step son has been rude, inconsiderate, and even accusing me of lying by not letting him know of my diagnosis right away. (As if he cares??lol)

and just yesterday, after he clogged the bathtub yet again, and after a rude exchange, he turned to me and asked "so you are going to pick up my medication today right? " 

talk about feeling being used lol

SD14 is 100% this way! If she isn't gaining anything - then she wants nothing to do with that person. Wants DH to give her a ride? She will come out of her room and socialize for a little bit. Wants her cell phone back from BM? She will go to BMs on the weekend. Doesn't get what she wants from DH? She gives him the silent treatment. 

Luckily she never gets anything from me at all, so she doesn't talk to me. Lol, I prefer it this way! 

I do think it's sad to think about when she gets older ALL of her relationships will be this way. But she is just a manipulative person and that is not likely to change at this point. 

DH was raised by a domineering mother who demanded respect. No questions, no negotiations—respect was expected, period.

Both of DH’s parents worked, but they still handled the house chores, believing their only job as parents was to ensure their kids went to school and excelled. And for DH and his siblings? That’s exactly what they did.

As a parent, though? DH didn’t hold the same standard for himself. He paid lip service to the idea of wanting his kids to be “responsible,” but in reality, he was never respected—not by BM, not by the skids.

Like his parents, he expected his kids to focus on school and do well. OSD did. But YSD?

YSD was lazy. Not just a little lazy—extremely lazy. She barely passed, constantly got into trouble, and didn’t seem to care about anything except doing the bare minimum to scrape by.

And DH’s response?

No consequences. None.

Why? Because if he pushed too hard, if he actually parented, she’d jump ship to the Mothership sooner. Parenting by fear, by constantly worrying about losing his kid to BM, meant he did nothing at all, except giving YSD a ‘lecture’ about doing better.

BM wasn’t exactly a shining example, either. She didn’t cook much—if at all. Restaurants ate up most of her monthly budget, and that was the example my skids grew up with.

Me? I was a SAH(stepmom), and I cooked.

Not just threw together meals—cooked.

Homemade meals, from scratch. Some recipes were handed down from my mother, others I learned from hours—hours—of watching YouTube, mastering the art.

And YSD?

I offered to teach her.

She turned up her nose and said no.

The only time she ever watched me cook, she did it with that same look—like she was better than me, like she was doing me a favor just by standing there. And when I asked for help? She refused. Every time.

She just wanted to sit back, suck down the food I made, and go back for seconds.

That was it.

Then, coached by her cult-leader BM, YSD had the audacity to request that I write down my recipes for her—so she (and BM) could have them.

Not learn from me. Not spend time in the kitchen together. Just have them, like she was entitled to my work.

Instead, I handed her a cookbook.

She never opened it. It sat on the shelf, collecting dust, a prop in a life where she never actually intended to do anything.

Still, the pressure mounted. I could feel it. I was expected—expected—to put together a personal cookbook for her.

When I told DH I didn’t want to, he got mad.

I should "set an example," he said.

I should "be the bigger person," he said.

And all I could think was—why?

I spent hours upon hours learning to cook. I put in the time, the effort, the work. And for what? To hand it over to someone who didn’t respect me? To someone who barely acknowledged my existence unless it benefited her?

I told DH I felt used.

He didn’t care.

All he saw was someone refusing to cater to his precious little baby.

The fight was big. Ugly.

I dug in. I wasn’t going to give her my recipes, wasn’t going to waste my energy trying to "prove" myself to a kid who had made it very clear she didn’t care about me.

And then?

YSD showed her true colors.

Turned on DH.

Called Child Protective Services on her own father.

And I was off the hook!

In StepHELL, the bioparents either actively (like BM) or passively (like DH) encourage the skids to disrespect, dismiss, or outright use the stepparent.

BM did it with open arms—feeding the entitlement, stoking the fire, making sure the skids saw me as nothing more than an inconvenience, a servant at best.

DH? He did it with silence and disagreement. With every excuse, every time he looked the other way, every time he let things slide because he didn’t want to rock the boat.

Either way, the message was the same.

I wasn’t a person. I wasn’t a real part of the family.

I was just there to serve.