"its over"

those are the lovely words dh told me tonight after the umpteenth argument about ss17. i had disengaged, previously, and dh said it was hurting him to know that he was like a "single parent" living with his wife. so we tried this again. we talked and talked about his guilt-parenting, how it effects the whole family, our own baggage, etc. we had family meetings, i said that i could not live in a house any longer where i was the maid, chauffeur, chef, etc and ss17 had no responsibilities at all. he does nothing but play video games and text his friends. no job, no girlfriends, no driver's license, no chores around the house, bad grades, parties at our house etc. we all agreed on a chores list and a limit to the video games until his grades got better. i was really proud of dh because god forbid, he tells the kid "no" for anything at all or actually has him take some responsibility. ss17 actually seemed happier and started talking about getting his grades up so he could go to college. he totally slacked off on the chores-i grounded him (as we had previously talked about) and dh let him go out. it wasnt perfect but it was at least progress. i felt proud that i was making a difference in his life.

then bm comes back into the picture. she talked ss17 into coming to her house for the summer (longest visit ever since he was 3 years old). we talked and talked-really tried to have some good communication about all of this....ss17 wanted to buy our extra car, and we all three decided that dh would talk to bm, that ss could go to her house on the condition that she help him find a summer job, and that he would come back ready to get a job here and finish earning the car. we all agreed. he went for the summer and dh and i had a wonderful time. no arguments, no fighting, it was just like dating again and it was so nice. ss mowed lawns for a few weeks and then quit. bm tried to convince him to quit high school and get his ged (wtf??) and live with her, in a town so small, it doesnt have a store or a gas station. dh told him "youre an adult now, do what you want to". ss changed his mind about buying our car and wanted to buy a motorcycle instead. dh told him "youre an adult now, do what you want".

ss17 came back to our house last week. no motorcycle, and no money, since he blew it all with bm. nothing. i talked to him about looking for a job asap-that hasnt happened yet. he's been out with friends all day every day since he got home.
then dh emails me and suggests we just give him the car, since its "too much pressure" to find a part time job, and he should concentrate on school. i did not reply. i sat there shaking with frustration until i could calm down. told myself-not my kid not my problem....except that this is not right. this is a manipulative, lazy kid who cries to get his way at age 17, and dh gives him everything. he will be 18 in a few months- its time for him to grow up and its time for dh to help him make good decisions. dh came home, and i stayed quiet. i told him that the email had upset me, but that i did not want to discuss it at the time-later would be better when i've had some time to think. dh starts talking about it anyways, and says it was "never set in stone to have him work for that car". what?? wtf?? he tells me that i am too hard on ss, that he is teaching him responsibility by letting him make his own choices, and that if i disengage again, our marriage will be over. just like that. i said "our family meetings consisted of all of us talking, setting rules, and then you two changing them later. i have no say so in these changes, but i was still expected to drive him around, cook, clean, listen to his problems, be there for him since bm is absent and DO EVERYTHING. so you dont want my input, but you want live-in assistance." he said he was tired of me calling him a bad parent (which i have NEVER said), he was tired of feeling like he wasnt good enough, and that if i was such a perfect parent, i could go have kids with someone else. then said to make a decision-either be totally in the marriage and be at family meetings and take a back seat to his style of parenting, or its over. i said "you have full custody, its our home, we make decisions TOGETHER and stick with them, or i cant participate in these meetings anymore". he said "its over" and walked out.

i'm just at a loss for words here. i'm sitting here thinking i just should have kept my mouth shut all of these years, but how can you? i had tried disengaging before when dh was heavy on the guilt parenting with sd19 and ss17 both. she absolutely put me through hell, and thats another story, but i struggled along parenting two kids the best i could and now its over? bm has never paid a dime in cs, i have contributed without question to every need ss17 has had, but its over? every day this summer was like our honeymoon-holding hands and a glass of wine, and being all romantic-it was pretty awesome. i am so confused and sad and not understanding this at all. he make me feel like i'm a horrible b*tch, when i've done all of this for HIS children for years.....rarely a thank you, but ok......someone please help me. this whole blog sounds really crazy and i'm sorry, i just feel really messed up right now.

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thank you its just helpful

thank you its just helpful to know you guys are all here.

I'm so sorry, hun. It sounds

I'm so sorry, hun. It sounds like you are doing all you can to make things work and are just being knocked down at every turn. This all sounds a little too familiar to me. I am dealing with a SD15 that is lazy and manipulative and lies about everything. She knows she has DH wrapped around her little finger and all she has to do is shed a few tears and Daddy will bend over backwards to make sure she gets what she wants. We have rules for her, but she isn't expected to follow them anymore because he has given up and she can do whatever she wants. We have chores around the house for her (that is how she is supposed to earn her allowance) but she only does them when the mood strikes her, which is almost never because DH doesn't care anymore. She threatened to go live with BM, got scared when we told her we would make the necessary arrangements and she would be there by the start of the school year, so DH backed off and now SD15 basically has a free ride here. I get in trouble for not being buddy-buddy with her because I am done putting up with her crap and I have two kids of my own with DH to take care of, but it's ok for DH not to give a shit about SD15 anymore. It's confusing and frustrating. I hate that so many of us have skids that are causing so many problems in our marriages/relationships. I can't believe your DH told you it is over all because you have been doing his job for him for years and he has just been bending to his kids every whim. That is not fair and he needs to see what is really going on and not just give in to what his kids want so he doesn't have to deal with any kind of fit. I hope that there is some way the two of you can work it out. Stay strong and true to yourself. Maybe some family therapy or couples therapy might help if that is an option for you. I'm so sorry...I wish I could help you. Things like this just break my heart. (((HUGS)))

((hugs)) back to you. i'm

((hugs)) back to you. i'm sorry for you, that youre in the same boat, but grateful that you understand. its so confusing-dh is really a wonderful, loving husband, but i think all of this goes deeper than me-like if ss can do what he wants, he wont leave dh for bm. dh wins, but he loses a good marriage in the process?

Someone needs to tell your

Someone needs to tell your HUSBAND to grow up and start acting like an adult.
Your SS is coming between you two, you disengage for your sanity, and he complains that he is single-parenting.
So you attempt to parent and make mutual decisions, then he undermines you and won't back you up.

"He's an adult now....he can do what he wants"???
Fine and good - ADULTS do not have cars given to them. Adults earn money to BUY their vehicles.
ADULTS take responsibility for their lives.

This young man needs to learn some home truths and grow up. But as long as his father keeps enabling him and not supporting you as you try to co-parent, his son is doomed to be co-dependent on his father. Maybe this is what the father wants???

If my husband had treated me like yours had, I would call his bluff and say "Fine! - I'm out the door. My lawyer will contact you." See how well he gets along without you and trying to look after his dear son all by himself.

Do NOT be a doormat.

I recently disengaged from my abusive step-daughter and family after five years of toxic encounters. She is my husband's problem now. Life is too short to be miserable.

(((hugs)))

((hugs)) and i couldnt agree

((hugs)) and i couldnt agree with you more. i think dh WANTS a co-dependent relationship-he wants to be the buddy-buddy good guy with the skids. sd19 was totally out of control as a little girl-he had her in therapy at age 8 (before i was in the picture). so he uses that for his leg to stand on with ss17 "the psychologists told me i was doing everything right". that was 11 eleven years ago and a different kid....wake up!

i think youre right, sa.

Crayon, I took a look at

Crayon,
I took a look at those links you posted...THANK YOU! They were a lot of help to me and I highly recommend others take a look at them, as well. I am showing that third one to my DH tonight and we are sitting down to have a chat.

thanks crayon, i'm going to

thanks crayon, i'm going to read these when i have a bit of free time. i am not perfect by any means, and never claimed to be, but it really upsets me to be labeled the bad guy in dh's guilty parenting plan. i'm wondering now if the car is ss's "reward" for coming back here and not living with bm.

it DOES suck, big time. i

it DOES suck, big time. i dont know how to feel yet, as dh has never said anything like this before. i was thinking about letting it all slide until ss is 18, but i highly highly highly doubt dh is going to take any action on having ss live on his own.

Call his bluff...don't back

Call his bluff...don't back down! Why should you live your life miserably? You deserve to be happy and you deserve someone who appreciates everything that you do. I would make arrangements to stay elsewhere temporarily, one of two things will happen. One: he will feel like a jerk and beg you to come back or Two: it's really over. If it is really over..I am sorry and it will be hard, but you only have one shot at life..don't waste it being miserable. Good Luck!

thanks i really do love dh

thanks i really do love dh and would be completely heartbroken if its truly over. but he wants an enabler to just "go along" with it all, and its not me.

No, you don't sound crazy,

No, you don't sound crazy, I've only been doing this for 4 years and I'm more than scared that what you're going through will be my life. Sometimes I feel that way, I cook, I clean, I shop, I do laundry, I tote kids, pay the bills, well I could go on but I'm sure you know the list yourself. Same thing...we've tried family meetings, and I can almost see the kids smirk because they KNOW that their Dad will not follow through, and I'll be there like an idiot trying to make things work. It's the same everytime. I mean these kids literally run them and they can't see it. And I have actually asked DH 'did you marry me for a nanny/housekeeper?' and 'if your kids were grown or at least had a decent BM and you didn't need the help, would you have married me?' He of course always says that 'he loves me', but you have to wonder sometimes....I mean there is so much in it for them...but what's in it for us? A selfish question I know, but one of my biggest worries is that I just don't want to regret my life. I don't want to look up in 10 yrs. after these kids are grown and have my husband not want me anymore because he doesn't need me, I deserve more than that, so do you. I mean God can you imagine anyone selfish enough to waste another persons life just accomodate theirs? No it's to awful to think about.
I am so sorry, I know that DID not cheer you up...your life just hits way to close to home for me. Best Wishes

just knowing that someone

just knowing that someone else actually UNDERSTANDS all of this makes me feel better. so thank you but it is hard and it is scary and it completely sucks that we put so much into these messed up families-that were messed up before we got here-and we try to help and do all we can....and this is it?

He played the "it's over"

He played the "it's over" card. Call a divorce attorney ASAP and give the attorney copies of every asset and account in your marriage.

See how your DH feels about loosing his wife and half of everything with nothing left but his ungrateful manipulative waste of skin kid.

When he has it all documented and spread out in front of him he WILL gain clarity and maybe then he will realize that his kid will not be his life partner.

Just my thoughts of course.

My condolences on the discovery of your DHs lack of substance.

Best regards,

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