When is enough, enough

My bf moved in with me and my son in August of 2007. He has been married 3 times and is going through his third divorce. The bm of his daughter is his second wife. She refuses to allow him to bring his daughter to our house. It started out as being too soon after he left his third wife. This was in August well she still is not coming to our home. When he gets her every other weekend he goes to his mothers and spends the night. He is still going thru the divorce from the third wife. Is the bm in contempt of court if he puts his foot down and tells her that he is taking her to our home and she refuses to allow him to have the daughter? What is enough time for a child to adjust? Am I just being pushy thinking that my bf needs to stand up for our relationship and tell her what is what?

Goincrazy1970's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Unless it is written in the

Unless it is written in the order that he cannot have his daughter in your home or around you, then yes, she is in contempt if she does not give the child up for visitation. Visitation is not something a BM "allows" or "disallows," and unless BM has sole legal custody, then the child's father has just as much right to make decisions for her as her mother does. Legally and technically, yes, she's in contempt, if there's nothing in their custody order that spells out where he's allowed to conduct the visits.

I understand the BM's concern. Her child lost a stepmother and, considering the father's marriage record, she's probably not wanting her child to become attached to and lose another stepmother if things don't work out with you. She's already gone through the "broken family" thing twice. On the other hand, it has been almost a year and most people don't wait a year to introduce their children to a new partner. Most people feel comfortable doing that when they know the relationship is a serious one with long-term/permanent potential. A year is plenty of time to wait before introducing a child to a new partner.

I don't think you are being pushy, but I also don't think the BM is being unreasonable. What I think is that this guy is on his third divorce, which hasn't been completed yet, and he's not in a position to make a long-term/permanent commitment to you. He may feel it in his heart, but he cannot make a commitment to you when he is still married to someone else legally. And even when that divorce is finalized, even when the ink is dry on the divorce decree, it still takes some time after that to get your head screwed back on straight.

Divorce, even when it's a good thing and is what you want, does a number on you. He's on his third one. I know it's hard, but it may be wise to wait until the divorce is final and he's had some rebound time before you try blending together as a family unit. I would find out why he isn't insisting that he be allowed to take his daughter home. If he's worried about having to take 2nd wife to court for contempt, well, that's a reasonable fear. He's already in court with his third divorce... he probably doesn't want to risk having to take his 2nd wife to court at the same time he's there with his 3rd wife. This is his child and his visitation. I think you have to let him go at whatever speed is comfortable for him.

I would totally agree with you if his divorce were final, but because that's lingering in the background, it's going to impact everything until it's finished.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Thank you very much for

Thank you very much for replying to me. You are 100% correct when the time is right for everyone involved it will happen.

I do want to clarify something. The bf's first marriage was at a young age and they just out grew each other. His second marriage to the bm was dissolved because she cheated on him and he caught her. At the time the daughter was born a blood test was done on three different men. When their divorce was finished, paternity established and visitation started in a 3 week period he went to three different towns to three different mens houses to pick his daughter up. Drugs and alchol were involved and the state was contacted due to child endangerment. They did go to court and the bm had to move in with her parents to keep the child. Has she ever forgiven the bf for this, probably not. The bm is also on her third marriage. The bf's third marriage was to an older woman who he knew he would never have to worry about her cheating. They lived together for 6 yrs and were married for 2. In that time span they just stopped communicating. They no longer wanted the samethings. I am not defending him I just did not want you to think bad of him without knowing some of the facts.

No, no, no...

I don't think badly of him at all. Life happens. But what you described makes it even more important that he be a stabilizing force in his daughter's life, because obviously, her mother isn't much of one. I wouldn't rock the boat until the divorce is final, because two court battles with two different women is two too many for anyone to want to fight. I'd let it go for now. Maybe you could go over to his mother's house when he's there with his daughter and you and your son could visit for an hour or so, just to get things rolling. When the divorce is final, then he'll be better prepared to fight it, if he has to. She's clearly in contempt, though, so it shouldn't be much of a fight.