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Marriage in trouble over the SKIDS and BM

Goin Crazy's picture

Submitted by Goin Crazy on Sun, 09/14/2008 - 4:50pm

Well last night i sent the night in our guest room. Not good! This was the BM's weekend to have the skids 9 & 11 and believe me we needed the break to regroup ourselves. Well she told us on friday she had to have them back on Sat. by 6p because she had to work Sun. What she dont even have a job. Come to find out she has tickets to Nascar with her BF not work. Well When we found this out I told DH to call her and tell her sorry we had plans and she had to miss her race, or at least tell her to drop them off in the AM before "work". He didnt want to do that because he didnt want to have the girls there if she didnt want them. But we needed this time together I explained it to him, but it is as if he lost his back bone. So they came home and the noght was miserable. I left for a while and came home only when I knew they would all be in bed. We havnt said 2 words to each other today and I am just so hurt and so angry I dont really care at this point what happens. But I know I do care and I just want to get this over with one way or another. Please help me Im on treading on thin ice.

Comments

KeeKee's picture

Submitted by KeeKee on Mon, 09/15/2008 - 5:20am

I too am at the point of deciding whether or not its all worth it.
I know how it feels to have your needs continually disregarded. Four years ago, I would have fought tooth and nail, but so much has happened (or not happened), that now I'm just looking for a reason to just stop the bleeding out of my soul.
Some guys think that if you ignore something long enough, it will just go away.
My DH will discuss things with me and he is always so reasonable but when it comes time to implement anything that we agree on, he forgets..or is too tired..or maybe he is like a kid ( and will try to get away with anything he can).
I have no advice for you because I'm in the same boat, but I can certainly understand how you are feeling....
Do what you need to do for yourself, because God knows, no one else is gonna do it for you.

chaotic's picture

Submitted by chaotic on Mon, 09/15/2008 - 10:28am

Maybe he didn't want the skids to feel rejected by you guys since they didn't want to be at the BM's anyways and would have felt guilty if he refused to let them come home. Next time something like this happens is there family or a babysitter you can take the skids to so that you can still have your alone time with your DH. I know it shouldn't be your responsibility if it was supposed to be the BM's weekend and I don't know your whole situation but it sounds like she is a completely irresponsible person and parent and you guys are the only stable parents in the children's lives. If you really feel your marriage is in trouble and you are having a hard time then maybe you and your DH should try counseling. If not then you can go by yourself to try to help yourself deal with these things. So sorry you are feeling so bad Sad I hope things get better for you.

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Mon, 09/15/2008 - 10:52pm

This is from my DHs crackberry, appolgies for typos and if it's choppy.
Power's out due to high winds (OH version of a hurricane!)

Will say more tomorrow, but wanted to say I understand the need for the break from all the drama and to refuel and reconnect with your dh.
I pushed dh to push bm into take her full EO weekend for several months last spring, but I finally realized after many dramas those weekends that we were better off letting go of the attachment to sd going, and the attachment to that break time for myself. Then bm bailed on all weekends and I was (am Wink ) so stressed/depressed about having lost that time. Plus as I have posted, sd's bpd symptoms escalated after bm started bailing.
This weekend though, sd started playing by the rules, has been showing more appreciation and respect toward all of us.
So though the breaks on bm's nights were a respite, I am beginning to realize that the less time sd spends with bm and the less transitioning we all have to the better we all get along and the closer we are to normalcy within our family. Plus dh has understood completey, and has supported my need to get out/away from sd since I don't get any break. - take the boys out, or meet my mom, pottery class, etc.
So, as hard as it is, my best life experience advice is to work on letting go of attachment to outcome as to visitation times with crazy bms. Now we just have sd call and confirm when her mom will be taking her each week, and offer an extra day each time she agrees to take her on her scheduled Wed.
(Then get out and do something for YOU!
Ok- getting carpal tunnel from this Barbie sized keyboard now,so that's it for tonight. Hope the connection doesn't fubar when I push send after all this tiny typing!
Hope this helped GC!

PS- this was typed as I said LAST night. Still no internet though thankfully, the power did eventually come back on. AFTER we checked into our hotel room. I took a 95 dollar shower tonight. I am staying on in the room with Anna, since we paid for it. I really thought that would mean I got to visit my ST friends for a little while. However, it's almost midnight and Anna is refusing to go to sleep. Therefore, I am forced to go lay down with her and after the day I've had I will pass out like a light. So I MAYBE back on later, or not for days due to cable/internet being out at home. I will post this again in my blog so if you read it here, no need to read it again!

GC, I hope you are doing better this evening (morning?)

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Endora's picture

Submitted by Endora on Tue, 10/21/2008 - 2:12pm

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

Just saw this old post and read it-sure hit home about letting go of the outcome of visitation-

We got surprise full custody of my DH 16 year old son when his bio-mom's life blew up (I think she felt comfortable that SS would have 2 parents and bowed out (supposed nervous breakdown blah blah blah)-fast forward to now-and every so often she will take up the ball and see her son for 24 hours every other weekend (my bio kids are grown up)-I sure look forward to the break as SS is one of those kids who is ALWAYS home video gaming (we have tried to put him into things-just does not participate in life outside the home)-doesn't bother DH as it is his son-anyway at 16 he no longer wants to see his Mom-I was furious but you really cannot force someone to see their bio parent at 16 so DH and I decided to let it go as something always "happens" if we force the issue-I will no longer have that time so have to think of alternative ways to get the break I need-I asked DH to try and do things with SS on the weekends as I work long hours and need a few hours at least on the weekends of a SKIDTEEN FREE ZONE-again I got -I cannot force him, but I will try.....2 years and counting....

blondie66's picture

Submitted by blondie66 (not verified) on Wed, 10/29/2008 - 1:35pm

So, every time BM decides she didn't have enough alone time (and she has them only half the time), she would manipulate the kids into staying with us on her days. Like it was more convenient for this reason or that. She would never notify us, they would just show up (by a shool bus or being dropped off by her). Very rarely, she would send an email and ask to have them at our house for her weekend (never give a reason) and we would always say "sure, no problem". But when we ask her to watch them b/c we will be traveling (my DH on business and I come along), then she says - well, ok, but this is really inconvenient b/c I had some plans I now have to change and I want to swap that weekend for such and such (she would literally dump them back asap and she does not have to do that, according to their custody agreement). She ruined sooo many of my plans by dumping them at her convenience and then my DH is like, well, I understand, but they are my kids blahblahblah. Ugrh! I know she does that 1) for her own convenience and 2)to annoy me and ruin our plans. She's such a vindictive bitch. BITCH - all caps.
Check this out - the switch between the houses is at 6pm. The kids would ALWAYS come hungry to my house and I would ALWAYS scramble to cook dinner and feed them (I work full time) before we take them over there. So, finally, after a year of that crap, I couldn't take it any more and told my DH to tell THEM to make sure they eat at their mother's before they come over b/c we won't plan on having dinner for them. It took a while but I think that they (BM and skids) finally got it.
And I feel for you "Goin crazy" - DH's are so stubborn when it comes to their precious kids' feelings, they get so easily manipulated by the bitches BM's, I keep warning my DH that I would lose my respect for him if he continues to act like a whipped puppy to her (and his defense is - it's not for her, it's for them). I don't care - they all need to learn the boundaries. All of them - DH, BM and skids.