But reframing it. It hasn’t been a picnic, but this weekend, I actually felt like something happened. I said no. And, I reframed the no into not “me denying her” but her making a choice. We are starting to get the “baby” excuse for having things the way she wants them. It reminded me of some posts about “I’ll be out in the cold”.

I’ve been getting more and more angry over the past couple of months. I agreed to pay for one more course when my SD gets an A or a B. Well, silly me, that was before I knew the costs of the damn courses. She picked an online school that costs as much for one course as a full semester at the local University! WOW. Well, SD is smart enough to get her child care subsidy. As a result, she has had a serious increase in disposable income, and she suddenly doesn’t want to “bother” baby daddy for his fair share. She doesn’t really need it right now, so that is ok. UM wait, let’s see – I am paying essentially a second mortgage for this chica to go to school, and she isn’t going to pursue for CS, or contribute to the household, or help pay for her own college, or even go to a reasonably priced school??? UM NO.

I got the, “but I’ll miss so much of her growing up if I have to go to school at night.” Here is where the reframing came in –
1. Rules when you moved in were that you would go to school. It is your decision – you stay here, you go to school. You don’t go to school, you don’t live here. Your choice.
2. I said I’d pay for one more course – now I look around and see what you are doing. I’ll pay for one more course – at the local university prices. Period – (And I pay the tuition bill, not you). You have to go to school, so you go someplace affordable or pay the difference. Your choice.
3. Now that baby is here, and you are employed, you have to go to school, and begin to handle regular living expenses. So, rent is due. The monthly rent equals the exact amount that your baby daddy isn’t paying you. Cough it up, or get it from him. Your choice.

In none of these things am I saying no. I have outlined the alternatives – this is how I support you. Take it or leave it – I’m not saying no, she is choosing.

Interestingly enough – my DH *seems* to be supporting me on this. We had a discussion last night. He asked me for cash on Friday to go buy some food – I laughed at him. I had JUST paid his daughter’s tuition. I told him – well now, what rock do you think I should squeeze for that? He said we were out of food, and he needed new sneaks, what should he do? Same thing I do – go without bucky boy. Remember our discussion about the cost of tuition? Well, when was the last time I bought anything that was for me? So, then we had another talk last night about costs, and charging rent and everything. What has turned my DH around? He had to buy more clothing detergent to do wash. We usually get it about every other month. He bought some less than three weeks ago and it was gone.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

My new strategy – reframe in terms of the choices they have made. It isn’t me saying no – it is them CHOOSING not to take advantage of what I have to offer. It is always their choice.

SD CHOSE to not go to school three years ago. Now she can choose to go to school or choose to live on her own. DH can choose to support me, or choose to pay for everything he wants and she wants himself. SD can choose to participate in the household, or choose to leave. Sometimes it is hard to reframe everything as a choice, but I think I am going to try it for a while…

I feel better. I wonder how long it will last…