DH Has Lost His Freaking Mind
It has been a nightmare of a week. Last week’s chaos with SD15 has turned DH into an even bigger Guilty Daddy and making him even more erratic. He has been in a fatherhood crisis the last few months about how little he sees his kids. His boys refused to visit again today (DH is suppose to pick them up tomorrow afternoon, but I have my doubt they’ll come then either), so nothing is going his way.
DH has pretty much concluded there’s nothing he can do to prevent SD15 from moving where ever she wants unless he escalates the situation and gets the police involved. But there’s no way he will do that since he knows SD15 will go crazy, make things worse and end up with a criminal record just to prove to the world how much she hates her dad. Actually standing his ground and parenting isn’t an option. He’s got to be Captain Pushover and let her do whatever she wants because he doesn’t want her to be unhappy or face the consequences of anything.
I’ve been trying to take the approach that as long as SD15 isn’t moving back here, I don’t give a darn what happens to her. Let her run away and drop out of school. I don't care. I'm angry it means DH is spending so much time dealing with her issues but as long as she’s not here, then I’ll tolerate it.
Unfortunately, DH hasn’t given up the idea of having a Brady Bunch family with all his kids and still wants SD to come live with us.
He has at least realized that SD15 is the world’s most intolerable brat when she isn’t getting what she wants. Instead of having a parental epiphany about his failings as a father, he’s now trying to brainstorm ideas on how to make her want to live with him and give her what she wants here. :sick:
DH thinks the way that can happen is if he sucks up to SD’s half-siblings, gets them to stop hating him and get them to put pressure on SD to move in with him. But he also knows that she is never going to want to be over a 1000 miles away from her half-siblings, so he wants to convince them how great it would be to move closer to us.
WITHOUT CONSULTING ME AT ALL, DH called SD‘s 19 year old half-brother (he’s not related, DH was never his stepdad and the BM was a casual hookup so they do not have any sort positive relationship), and suggested that he come stay with us and told him he could live with us rent free.
The half-brother has an internship this summer, but he’s not sure what he’s going to do after that and if he’ll go back to the community college he was attending or transfer to another school. DH is trying to convince him to apply to the college near us (without thinking about how expensive out of state tuition is going to be).
There’s absolutely no way her half-brother even considers the offer, but I’m pissed at DH making these types of decisions without even asking me. There’s absolutely no way I’m letting a stranger move in here. The last thing I need to do is deal with a lazy teenager like that idiot. He doesn’t think about any of this in advance. But there’s no reasoning with him.
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Comments
I've come to the conclusion
I've come to the conclusion that all the DH's have lost their freaking minds! This guilt shit they carry around weighs way too much
UM what was your DH's
UM what was your DH's reaction when you told him like hell this stranger is moving into YOUR home whereby YOU have to support him?
In all seriousness if my DH did this I would lose my mind with anger and I would be warning him if he continued our marriage would be in danger of imploding! Oh and I would be making it crystal clear that NO ONE will be moving in without your permission!
My DH has never done anything of this magnitude however when things spiralled out of control with my skid and his mother, I eventually had to tell my DH I no longer wanted his child in our home, he would have to see him away from our home and me. It was not safe because of his psycho mother, the threats, the control she was permitted to weild by DH over me, our home and our marriage and said kid at age 8 acted like a bratty problematic toddler who we had every weekend. I nearly tipped over the edge.
DH told me I had no choice in the matter and the child would be coming here regardless. THAT was like a red rag to a bull and I told him to try it and he would see his wife FINALLY go mental, just like his ex was allowed to do ALL the time scot free!
Its sad when you are pushed into that situation however sometimes you have to save yourself first.
I've already made it clear
I've already made it clear that I don't want SD in my home. I banned her last summer and DH still doesn't get it.
After all the problems SD's half-brother caused when she was living with us (sending her things we took away, like a cellphone) he should understand why we can't have this stranger in our home, since he's going to keep undermining DH's parental authority with SD. It's setting up everything to be as bad as possible.
Honestly, DH doesn't care what I think. He cares about his kids. He cares more about what SD's half-brother thinks than he does about how I feel or how my life will be impacted.
I understand he's at the point where he needs to decide that SD is a lost cause, that she's not going to be in his life and he's going to have to face the fact that he messed up. He's afraid that 20 years from now, he's going to look bad and regret not doing more to be a part of his daughter's life.
Unfortunately, that's the way things are going to be if he wants to stay married.
My DH doesn't consider his
My DH doesn't consider his marriage in any of this. He completely takes me for granted. Financially, he makes more money than I do, so it's not like I can just walk away and be financially secure.
He's told me he feels like it's more important for him to be a good father than husband right now since his kids need him and if he screws up as a father, then his kids' lives are impacted. Meanwhile, I'm suppose to just wait around for him?? SD's life was ruined by her BM doing drugs, Child Services saw it fit to take her kids from her. That's how bad things were in her home. And DH wants to blame himself for screwing up as a dad?
It's not his fault and he can't fix this situation. This girl is doomed no matter what he does. And why bring someone like that into your home and around your other children??
My DH is at the point where
My DH is at the point where he thinks SD is fixable and he feels like he has to step up an do this huge effort to be a part of her life, be a father to her half-brother (his dad is in jail) and be Super Dad and that will turn both of them around and put them on the right path.
I've been trying to convince him to walk away and focus on our family which doesn't have those sorts of issues rather than messing with an impossible situation that's going to leave him disappointed and impact our marriage and our family. But he doesn't get it.
I know it's hard to say: "Your 15 year old daughter is a lost cause. Walk away, save our family. Grieve and move on." But the more he's confronted with that being the best solution, the more he's fighting back trying to be Super Dad to save her.
i think that as long as you
i think that as long as you rely on your dh for financial security he will feel as if you will wait on him and will continue taking you for granted. maybe you could concentrate on that? let him do his thing, but in the meantime, let him see YOU taking care of yourself, getting your act together. men NEVER listen to words, they listen to action. your words are falling on his deaf ears. he needs a wake-up call. he needs to see you regaining your power. it's the only thing he will pay attention to.
That's what I had done last
That's what I had done last summer when banning SD15 and telling him under which terms I would allow her back in my home. The problem is trying to maintain it as he is pushing back.
The issue now is that DH is so focused on what he needs to do to fix the situation with his daughter that nothing else matters, especially me.
I don't know what I can do. I'm only working part-time now at a department store. Our house was foreclosed on 3 years ago, so things financially haven't been good for us and DH spends so much money on CS and spends money like water on his kids and flying up to visit SD15.
Frustrated Mom - sadly I have
Frustrated Mom - sadly I have been in the situation with my DH where I felt I was last on his list of prioritises. All his actions told me this, time and time again.
Eventually in order to gain some sort of comfort in knowing where I would be financially should our marriage finish and where I stood security wise I did the following:
1) Made a free legal appointment with a lawyer to find out what I would be entitled to (am sure in the US large legal firms offer free appointments). DH doesnt need to know and at least you know what you would be able to claim from your DH, joint finances and savings you may have.
2) ensured my job was safe. In your case why not see if you can take on extra hours and save? (I also ensured I had a small nest egg).
3) I found out how much rent was locally and what I could realistically afford.
4) I ensured my friends were aware of some of my difficulties so I had a supportive network (make sure you pick non judgemntal friends and be selective what you say, so that if you stay with DH it will not overtly affect their friendship which can be awkward if thats the case).
5) I told DH that if he brought certain people into our home that I would make it knows directly to that person they are uninvited by my, I would call the police and block them access ...in fact I would lock them out and in all probability chuck out DH's stuff too because he had made his choice. I said "dont force me and I will not have to use force on you."
Knowledge is power, so make sure you prioritise your needs and put yourself in a positive whereby you are more secure.
Does your family know what is going on? Would they be any help financially?
I have even left rental houses/apartment adverts lying around as warning to my DH! Had people ringing about my enquiries about renting, it really shocked my DH as he genuinely didnt take me seriously. Thats not my problem.
I think if your DH wants to go chasing his tail with his children, thats HIS problem. However so long as you arent dragged into, only then would I be concerned and become involved.
I would also start scheduling time to do really fun stuff with friends and externally from your home, so you arent hanging about waiting for DH to have time to slot you in around running after the skids. Dont be coy about letting him know you are having a blast either, let him know what he is missing out.
Actions are definately far more powerful and you need to use that in order to get a message across and get his attention. If he ignores it or isnt interested then my advice is to give it a reasonable but sensible timeframe for things to change with him. As this cant go on indefinately, neglecting your partner and marriage for loooong periods of time is foolish and it wouldnt work for anyone, even if the skids were biologically yours too. So say for exmaple 6 months and in that time better your situation, your information, change how you are conducting your life and then assess whether you are getting all you need from your husband. If not, then perhaps its time to consider moving on.