Stoop to her level. I have. And it feels good. IF dh want stand up to her when she is screaming at you, you need to just say "You know what, bm? I am not your ex husband or your child and I will not put up with your shit. So take your attitude somewhere else or you will make her life hell" then tell your dh he will NOT be helping her out anymore. The only way to do this is to let him know that your wrath for him saying yes will be worse than her wrath for saying no. My dh used to tiptoe around Wingnut because she was such an evil troll and he didn't want to rock the boat or make her made. I wanted to slap him. DUH "you left her because she was a controlling bitch and now you're going to let her control you anyway?". I let him know that if he caved to her he'd be dealing with me and unlike Wingnut my bite is as bad as my bark. Wingnut now knows there is a new sheriff in town. She hates it, but too frikkin' bad!

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

Sounds like she is still emotionally attached to him and counts on him for things. He needs to sit her down and remind her that he is no longer her husband and she needs to find a new support system for personal issues and that they only issues that she is allowed to bring to him are ones that have to do with SD. To be honest with you he might not see that its a problem. Once there are some more responses to your blog you should print it out and show him. Once he sees that its not just you being crazy it might help. I have printed off my blogs and shown them to BF so that he can see that it isnt just me. There are lots of other women out there that feel the same way i do about things. I made a post about my BF taking the kids when it was not scheduled to help BM out. I did not agree with it and he didnt understand wny. SO once i got a few responses to my blog i printed it out and said see? Im not crazy there are other SP out there that dont like when their DH to this also. It helped he doesnt take them when it is not his turn.

You seriously need to take control of the situation. Thats what I had to do for my own sanity. I filed the paperwork to go to court, I kept every stupid friggin email of her going off, I provided every bit of information to the lawyer and communication as well. You cant make that horse drink, you know what I mean??? So you need to take control. She should NOT be asking for 20.00 here and there. This is your family. If he's so afraid of what she's going to do, then you need to take the initiative and file what ever paperwork you need to to make sure YOUR family not only him is taken care of. Her asking for his car is crap and I agree with you putting your foot down. and another thing, if she's going to call and yell at him or you, CALL THE POLICE AND FILE CHARGES! That is harrassment, in VA it is against the law to even cuss over the phone at someone. It is a class one misdimeanor. Thats what I had to do. I was so sick of DH just rolling over. I will not allow him to roll over and affect our relationship and our family in that manner, so I choose to take care of everything.

***I love you like a fat kid loves cake***

I finally got my DH to cut BM off completely. It took many times of being screwed over by her. DH's excuse to me was "It's going to be bad for the child." Or "She's going to turn the child against me."

I simply said, "She is going to turn the kid against you whether or not she's got your gonads in her purse. This manipulation and behavior IS bad for the child."

By allowing this person to control him, she would do it more and more, and then felt ENTITLED to the extra she was getting and WANT more and more. When I finally got him to understand that he had to stand up to her, and give her only what is legally expected, life got 1000 times better.

She knows now not to so much as ask for a penny more, or ask for his help.

My advice: BOUNDARIES are needed ASAP!!

I would need a little more info. to give you better advice - so I have some questions. How long have you & DH been together? How long have DH & his ex been divorced? How long has DH had custody of SS14? How long ago did ex-wife move out of state?

Financially, your DH should literally only give his ex-wife what she is legally entitled to according to their divorce order/support order (if anything at all in your case) and not a penny more. Your DH has to cut BM off completely - I agree with Rainbow above. None of this $20 here & there bulls&%*. It all adds up!!! That $$ could be used for SS14, for DH, for you, for your home, gas in your tank, etc...

My advice (which definitely worked for my BF in dealing with his ex-wife) is that your DH handle his ex as if he is dealing with a company, very professionally, and ONLY communicate with her regarding SS14 - no other topics or issues. Other than that, he has NO obligation to her WHATSOEVER. He needs to cut off this sick dependency she still has on him - NOW. The sooner he does this, the sooner she will have no choice but to do things for herself and survive on her own.

I cannot believe his ex actually had the balls (nerve) to ask your DH to use his spare car when hers broke down!?!! That's an example of something where he should not even pick up the phone - just let it go to voicemail & if the message isn't about SS14, then he should ignore her & not even respond. Same goes for email or however she tries to use him.

As for his ex-wife screaming at you (for no reason, to boot) and your DH allowing that...that is WRONG in every way. Your DH needs to show you respect - and that means HE should be taking care of that to make sure she knows that that is UNACCEPTABLE and will not be tolerated. You should not have to deal with ex-wife at all - this is DH's problem to deal with her.

Good luck!!!

I spent many years bending over backwards to have a "good" relationship with my SD's BM.  IT NEVER WORKED NO MATTER WHAT I DID. Even when I took her screaming fits her agressive behavior and said nothing.  Then she texted my DH the next day to say I was rude for not responding...yes really.  About 4 years in I was done I went NC with BM.  I made DH deal with her all by himself and I really encouraged him to only do so by text message so at least her crazy rants would be documented.  It all came to a head when we were forced to see a mediator after taking BM back to court for more custody.  In advance I contacted the mediator and asked that he be aware she has been very aggresive in the past and I wasn't going to allow that.  He agreed.  Less than 5 minutes into this meeting BM started screaming at me I stood up looked at the mediator and said I'm leaving now.  We got a lot more custody and BM sent me an apology after it was over.  I still go NC with her and don't respond to any of her bullshit so she has given up.  She was really difficult in the short term when DH started only texting her and only about the kids.  Now she occasionally tries to pretend it's an emergency to get DH on the phone but he only responds with text.  

The BM your dealing with is going to take as much as you and DH allow.  Get her out of your relationship and help DH to establish good boundaries with her.  She is always going to be a threat to your marriage.