So, I've met the ex, and met S7. What's next?
I'm new here and really haven't posted at all, but I've spent a few months reading and learning. So, first of all I'd like to say thank you to you all for sharing your stories and your wisdom. This site has been a real source of comfort as well as caution, which has helped me look at the situation I am entering with open eyes.
A little background: I'm 28, never been married, and I never had kids, but I've always gotten along well with them and want to start a family when the time is right. The fellow I'm seeing has been separated for about a year and has one S7 with his soon-to-be ex wife. Right now they have pretty healthy communication and are sharing custody one week on, one week off with some flexibility for events and activities. There's no formal separation agreement or anything on paper as yet, but divorce papers are getting filed within the next couple of weeks. The FEX is apparently planning to marry her boyfriend when the divorce is final, and is so far being pretty reasonable (she gets a portion of the retirement savings, he keeps the house).
My involvement is quite new, though I've known this man for several months we have only recently started seeing each other. I've met his son a couple of times (who is charming), and the FEX once briefly (friendly meeting). I'm comfortable with the situation with the information I've gotten so far, however (in part from the experiences I've read about here on Steptalk) I am seeing some potential landmines ahead. I'd love to hear any and all opinions and advice that you all might be able to share:
1: The FEX is used to my guy being a bit of a doormat. Even though she cheated, fessed up, and continued to see her boyfriend (openly!), she also continued to rely on her husband as a convenience. Fix the car, watch the kid, need some money, etc. She'd act nice and sweet (and flirt!) until he did what she asked. However, now that some time has passed he isn't jumping every time she calls any more. And now that he's seeing me it seems like she's a bit disappointed that he's got something else to take his attention off of her.
2: S7 seems to be absorbing the changes in the family pretty well, and his daddy is incredibly attentive and aware of his son's emotional health through this, though he doesn't seem to be coddling him. Seems like the FEX is not near as affectionate or involved though - to the point that S7 comes home crying because mom's boyfriend gets a lot more attention than he does. Apparently this has been an ongoing issue. On the other hand, the affection we have been sharing in front of D7 does not seem to bother him (we keep it balanced) - if anything, he seems happy to see his dad with a smile.
3: I'd like some advice re: getting to know S7 - we are taking things reasonably slowly, and I want to be sure I'm not overstepping. How did you all handle the first few months of this?
Thanks for anything you guys feel like sharing!
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I do see one landmine in
I do see one landmine in particular. #2 where you say that while dad is incredibly attentive and aware of his son's emotional health (Yay for dad), FEX does not (Boo for mom). The landmine I see is that you are making negative assumptions about BM. S7 may be all smiles when he comes to visit and may not seem like he has problems with you two, but you really have no idea what things are like when he is with BM unless you are there with them every second. Give her the benefit of the doubt and if there are problems with S7 adjusting, encourage your FDH to work WITH BM on solving those, not against her.
It could be that S7 feels closer to or is more attached to BM, AND take into consideration that if he is a boy (I think you mentioned that), another male of the same sex would naturally seem more like competition for BM's attention while you may never be considered that to him. This is a common occurrence with between bio-dads too. One of my 3DS went through a phase where he would squeeze himself between me and my ex-dh (his bio-dad) and and say, "MY mommy".
Seems like you are off on the right foot, but in order to keep up good relations with BM, remember that it takes much effort and patience on all parties. You want BM to give you guys the benefit of the doubt, give her that too.
~Speaking from a SM of 2 and a BM of 3.
Good for you for trying to go
Good for you for trying to go in prepared. Sadly, even when you think you know what you're in for, you can't really know until you're already in there with your sleeves rolled up, slogging through the trenches. I don't mean that in a negative or warn-you-away kind of way, either. I mean it in a constructive way, simply the truth.
As far as #1, hopefully your BF is aware of the manipulation now and willing to set boundaries going forward. Unfortunately since no boundaries have been in place prior to you coming along, beware that she might blame you. That the paperwork isn't final may work in your favor, because implementing the boundaries can be part of their agreement in the first place, rather than seeming like it came from you.
#2, I think you can only wait and see...if Dad is truly treating him in a healthy, balanced way, then it sounds like something that can be worked with.
#3, I don't know what to say. I already had known SD for several years before SO and I got together. Even so, she acted different once SO and I moved in together. From this and from what I've read here from other SM's it seems like you can expect to go through any number of different stages. I think just be yourself, be natural, and don't try to force anything. It sounds like he doesn't need another parent, unless his mom eventually checks out, so you don't need to be that for him. Just a respected family member and adult-in-charge.
#4, I know there was no #4, but please really, really make sure you and BF are on the same page about ex/kid related issues. It will save you having to come to StepTalk in the future (just kidding about that part).
And also feel free to take anything I've said with a total grain of salt, because I'm not doing such a bang-up job over here...
Thanks, all. I do know that
Thanks, all.
I do know that I've only seen one side of the story regarding the FEX so far, and I haven't been around near long enough to properly gauge ANYTHING. I can only go by what I've seen so far, and keep my mind open. It would be great if she and I could maintain a cordial (or, even better, friendly) relationship as my fella and her boyfriend have done. That said, there are some other things that she's done the past couple of years that sound pretty disappointing. But, I've made plenty of mistakes too. wkd_sm you're right on the money - I shouldn't make judgements, and I'll wait until I know more to draw any real conclusions.
I certainly don't want to position myself as another parent. It's far more important to me to simply try to be a trusted adult in S7's life. And if the affection is truly lacking on the BM side, I really, really don't want to do anything to disrupt what they do have.
From the discussions we've had so far, it looks like my guy and I have very similar ideas regarding kid issues. As for the FEX, I like that he speaks of her respectfully. Considering the circumstances, I'm impressed at his efforts to keep things simple and cooperative. She seems to be working with him on things and that gives me a lot of hope.
It sounds like a very
It sounds like a very positive start.
1. Monitor this and try to make sure he is considerate to you about doing favours for her and is able to set boundaries. If he is maintaining a good relationship with his ex that will make things more amicable and easier all round, but it will soon wear on you if he is disappearing to fix things for her and doesn't show enough consideration for your time together. Likewise if your relationship develops it will be a source of friction if he makes unilateral financial decisons which affect your household finances. Money can be lightening rod for arguments in second marriages so it is worth talking about your views on managing money and how he intends to handle his prior committment to his son. E.g. would he wish to keep his and your money completely separate so he can retain autonomy over what he does with his salary or does he have a more joined up attitude.
2. Think about your values and principles for raising children and watch carefully to see if they seem in accordance with his. Find out about his childhood and background and see how much you have in common.
3. Focus on being friendly and cultivating a fun aunt type relationship, show an interest in him, play games he enjoys, but at all cost avoid wading in and taking responsibility for his practical care and maintenance. That's his Dad's job, and it can set a dangerous precedent if you start cooking and cleaning and bathing from the outset, it often gets taken for granted and causes resentment. Or it encourages Dad to see you as a willing replacement mother and begin to have unreasonable expectations of your relationship with his child. Don't be there all the time when his son is there, and don't sacrifice the important dating/honeymoon phase of the relationship by spending too much of your time with your boyfriend doing things with his son. It's important to maintain a balance.
Id agree to get him to put as
Id agree to get him to put as much stuff in writing as possible. It's better if every horrid detail is in writing to begin with rather than having to go back and try to get them in. If they have a good relationship thats great and they can say they dont have to follow it if they reach an outside agreement, but when things fall apart- you'll want that custodial parent picks up within a hour window and scheduled phone calls, etc.
My H didnt want to even get a custody agreement until BM mentioned moving out of state, and sure enough within a couple months she denied him visitation (and I was sadly right about it all). She also filed for support the same week he filed for custody, but she wasnt being vindicive at all :/
Don't wait til your in the mud to plan for the upcoming rain...