IT BEGINS (kinda long...)
Well, here we go.
In my last post I wrote about my new relationship with SO, and his S7, and the Future-Ex-Wife. Over the last month I've been spending the weekends with SO and getting to know his son better. This has been wonderful so far - I'm incredibly happy with my guy, getting along great with the boy, and so far my dealings with the FEX have been cordial.
However...
Trouble is brewing. Last week SO met with his lawyer to get the divorce paperwork in order. The FEX wants to go marry her BF so she requested that he file on grounds of adultery - in our state there's no separation period and the court can move forward immediately. But now she got spooked when SO's lawyer didn't want to meet with her (DUH, you're the plaintiff, you asked for this!). So now instead of simply responding to the filing (that they both agreed on) she's getting nervous and wants to go get her own lawyer. I'm crossing my fingers that they just sign the damn papers and get back to the business of raising their son. As I've learned from StepTalk, all I said about it was get as much as you can on paper, don't leave anything vague. If she behaves you can be generous with visitation/holidays/whatever but get it in writing!
S7 has so far been great around me. I've been engaging with him and having fun but stepping back immediately when parenting stuff comes up. He seems comfortable with me around his dad and with us showing affection in front of him, and his dad makes sure that his attention is balanced. Apparently, he's been having such a good time with us that he's made sure to tell the FEX all about it when he's with her. It looks like she's starting to get a little super-curious about that, and she's begun to quiz him. He's begun to show signs of feeling guilty about it, too. 
Now SO is getting comments like "OH I am SOOOO HAPPY S7 has SOOOOO MUCH FUN when (fractioned) is there..." This worries me - wondering what we can do to help S7 remain comfortable?
SO says she's implied that he is manipulating S7 and trying to make her look bad. But, he never bad-mouths her in front of the boy, and only asks gentle questions about his time with her. And it's not all fun and games when S7 is with his dad - it's homework, dinner, business as usual, and I am around less than half of their time. I say that I'm not going to be anything other than myself when I am with them. I'll never try to make the FEX look bad, and I won't try to be "super fun lady" all the time. But I'm also not going to refrain from having grass fights or giving hugs if he wants them. She has plenty of time to engage with him and I hope she works on it.
SO is making progress with setting boundaries. The FEX still has quite a bit of stuff in his house, but as she and her BF just signed a lease on a bigger place, it's time for her to come and get it. I didn't quite realize how much stuff until she came over this weekend (she still comes in the house without knocking, but at least she always calls first) to get some things, and actually asked to go in the bedroom to look for something! THIS bothered me a bit - she's been out of the house for almost a year. But, we had a good talk, and now all of her crap is on the front porch for her to pick up. Thanks, SO!
So, it's looking like the roles are starting to take shape here. I'm praying that the FEX doesn't try to get divisive. I hope she takes some more time to focus on her relationship with her son - he deserves that.
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One think in our situation
One think in our situation that I think would have really helped with co-parenting between the parents...is if they could have actually COMMUNICATED with each other.
Kids are notorious for pitting one parent/household against the other. My own SD did that (partially because BM was interrogating and looking for any possible way to keep his kids from him - she learned quickly that saying bad things about daddy and Sky made mommy happy) and it would end up with (to us) out-of-this-world accusations and screaming from BM, who wanted so much to make us miserable anyway. It didn't help that BM lied even in court to a JUDGE so we knew she would lie to anyone.
I kept saying that if EVERYONE involved could sit in the same room and hash things out, there would be no "Is SD lying or is BM lying?"
Unfortunately, in our situation, the BM refused to co-parent, prefering instead to alienate/attempt to alienate his children from us.
Thanks guys As of right now,
Thanks guys
As of right now, I'm not freaking out. If it comes to pass and they stay married for the next year or two, I think I'll be okay with that. I'm thinking right now that FEX will consult with a lawyer, but she won't be able to afford to cover the cost of contesting the divorce filing. Unless, of course, her BF decides to chip in for it in the hopes of getting alimony awarded. If she does decide she wants to play dirty, I think that she's already given SO plenty of ammo.
As far as I know all the important stuff is being discussed over email. They also have a binder for school stuff that goes back and forth, and the little things they seem to be handling well together. I honestly have to say that for most of this, it seems like they are doing a great job communicating. I'm just seeing some things right now that could be the two of them processing their respective baggage, but knowing what I do I'm paying very close attention in case things start to get crazy.
I realize that the FEX is getting a big wake-up call now that I've come on the scene and I think she's still figuring out how to react to it. She was emotionally degrading to the SO for a long time and it's only been in the last year that he's been able to assert himself. He doesn't fall for it anymore and I suppose she's at a loss. If she thinks that's all my doing, she's not giving him enough credit. But, I guess it's easier to blame the new woman than it is to develop respect for someone you dishonored and take responsibility for throwing your marriage away.
S7 seems to be in a "I want to show off" phase right now - he's always got something he wants me to see. I don't think he's confused about my role versus his mom's role, though there have been a few times that he's called from the other room and said "Mom? Oops I mean Fractioned?" but it hasn't bothered me. I'll have to read up on the child development - like that idea. Then I'll have a better handle on where he's at and what he might need/not need. Just going to keep paying attention and taking the lead from SO.