Changes are coming, and nothing I can do.
BM's husband is losing his high income research job this fall (lack of funding). He and BM have known about this for over a year (since before they got married), and he's been looking for work the whole time. His career is very specialized, and the jobs he's been applying to are with universities all over the country (and some abroad).
There's a little about this in some of my other blogs, but back when BM got engaged, she told my now DH that this was going on, and that she planned on giving custody of SS to us so she could follow her man wherever he ended up. Sad for SS to have his mom run out on him, but she was always rather checked out on him anyway. At least he would have had stability.
Now, of course, the plans are changing. BM has stepped up and gotten more involved with SS (which, IMHO is GREAT!) but this now means that the every-other-week equal custody and equal visitation is going to change. We just don't know what will happen yet, because it all depends on where this dude manages to land a job. DH does not plan to make a fuss, he's just going to go with the flow and try to help SS cope with having his life rearranged yet again.
Had a brief conversation with SS' stepdad this past week. Making small talk, and I nicely asked him how his job hunt is going. He talked about a couple of places (several states away) he's got interviews at and how hard it is knowing how many people will be affected by his new job.
Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. At least he's admitted it. He didn't think about that when he got involved with a married woman with a kid. BM certainly didn't (or didn't care). I want to smack the shit out of the both of them. Yeah, go on, do whatever the hell you want, SS (and his dad, and fractioned) will pay the price. I know for damn sure you'd be raising bloody hell if it was me looking for work.
And I want to kick DH. I wish he would at least try to fight this.
I cannot for the life of me imagine making choices like this and expecting my kid to bear the burden.
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Comments
I don't think the SD is doing
I don't think the SD is doing anything wrong. He's trying to continue working, losing a job would be worse for the SS.
Often moving for a better job, or nicer city ends up being a better change. And then adjust your visitation to summers etc. And SD is also a parent so he and bm decide as a family what their economic needs are.
I really feel for the step
I really feel for the step dad. He is doing the right thing for himself and his family (him and BM). In fact I think he's being extremely generous by acknowledging the other people who will be affected by his circumstances. The onus is really on BM to decide whether to follow him or not and then accept whatever custody battle results from that choice.
Children of intact families don't get to choose where their parents live and what jobs they will accept. Why would children of divorce be given that privilege?
Please don't think I'm sticking up for a BM, especially since I don't know your whole story. I just think it is really unreasonable to expect the two of them to stick around for the sake of a kid when careers and financial stability are at stake.
No, I feel for him, too - I
No, I feel for him, too - I try to put myself in his shoes. And I appreciate that he acknowledges the fact that this affects everyone in our blended family. But there's no compromise here.
But I also still think it's screwed up. I mean, it's not like this was a surprise. They knew this was going to happen and chose to get married. Now it means that SS gets taken away from his dad and the home he grew up in for the summer, or for the school year. Children from intact families don't get to choose where their family lives, but they also don't generally need to worry about going for months on end missing one or the other of their parents, either.
Also, both BM and Stepdad have intact families. They have no idea how difficult this is going to be on SS. I don't see how "just adjusting to summers" is remotely easy or ok. How do you go from seeing your kid every week to having them gone months?
I can see that side of it,
I can see that side of it, too. It's sad all around. Here's where I keep coming back to having an issue with it:
BM chose to force an open marriage on my DH that he went along with to try to keep his marriage intact.
BM fell in love with stepdad, and chose to leave (I get that, and yeah - I wouldn't tell anyone to try to "keep it together for the kid's sake").
BM chose to marry a guy that might take her away from her son.
My DH didn't choose this - he fought for his marriage, accepting her behavior over and over again. She treated him like crap and left.
Do I think she should have done differently? Not for me to say, I suppose. But what I see is BM making these choices for her own happiness, and I think that she could do more to try to minimize the ways this hurts her son. I don't think that we all need to cater to his every happiness, but at the very least try not to screw things up for him more than they already are.
I'm torn on this. It will be
I'm torn on this. It will be a big adjustment for SS to not be able to see his dad as much. Visits don't make up for that.
But I will give SF and BM acknowledgement for telling DH about this before they married, SF for actively looking for work instead of living off another man's hard-earned $$$$, and for recognizing that this will be a huge adjustment for everyone, especially SS. Hopefully SF will be able to find work nearby. If not, hopefully DH and BM can work something out without going to court. A lot of BMs just up and move with the kids with little to no notice to/permission from the Dad.
Although you wish DH would fight this, you have to follow his lead on this.
I think maybe I wasn't clear
I think maybe I wasn't clear - right now my DH has equal custody, we have SS every other week (7 days on 7 days off). BM lives less than 10 minutes from us, so currently SS gets to see both his parents every week. He has just in the past year gotten comfortable with this, and he's been healing from the divorce and bonding with both me and his stepdad. I think it's a shame that he's got to face another major upheaval just when his life has stabilized.
I wish my DH would stand up for his son. It's not fair that BM makes these choices and everyone else (most especially SS) has to accommodate her. I get that her husband has to find work, and it's better than him being unemployed. It's just unfair.
I just wanted to say that I
I just wanted to say that I can see SS's Stepdads perspective. I met DH when I moved out here for school. When I graduated, I got a job offer a few hours away from here that I couldn't refuse. When DH met me, he knew that I moved out here for school and that was my #1 priority. I'm not going to put my life and dreams on hold because DH has kids. They came and visited us and vice versa. My line of work is very specialized as well, doing aquatic research at universities, colleges and the government. Just as the step dad knee that BM had kids, she knew that he had a specific job requirement. I don't know how everyone is always expected to completly cater their lives around step kids! People get divorced, and love on with their lives. Life goes on. It's not very realistic to expect everyone involved to stay in one spot when it's no longer the best interest of the family as a whole. Just my opinion
I know, I know. I'm trying to
I know, I know. I'm trying to keep an open mind, and I'm having trouble.
I also recognize that I'm struggling with my personal issues with all of this that I need to own.
It's a bitter pill to swallow. I've got my own choices to face here - I mean, I chose to marry a man with a kid, knowing that whatever situation arose with his son would affect our life together as well as the child we have on the way. And I suppose I'm frustrated with the lack of freedom that brings.
But no, I don't know that it's best for the family as a whole that he's got to relocate to keep his current income level. He could take a pay cut and teach to stay local instead.