Here we go again.

Ok so I'm a bit taken aback. I didn't think SD10 could actually morph into Toxic BM but here we are. FYI I am 35 weeks pregnant too so baby is almost here. Is it coicendence BM amps the drama now? Nope! Of course not! She has done this every time I'm about to give birth.

Dh received the text last night from SD10 confirming that yet again she won't be gracing us with her presence this coming weekend.. only SS12. She also said she would like to not come over the following fortnight weekend either, and see our bios (DD4 and DS1) in the park for a day visit with only DH. So basically our whole family except me and 'Hope that's it's ok'.

DH replied saying no.. that it isn't ok. He basically told her he will be picking her up after school as per normal and he and her younger siblings misses her (DD4 is devastated she doesn't see SD10) from her not coming over last weekend (so we basically haven't seen her in nearly a month already).

She pushed back and said BM sent him the email explaining why and it's not about the younger kids it's about her and how she feels. Ugh. Then DH touched on me, saying how BM and her are hating on me isn't right.

Well SD slammed back saying BM hasn't said anything bad about me and it is actually me, yours truly, the one that hates on BM and SS is witness to it. Oh please, we have nearly 8 years of documentation of BM calling me the devil, parasite, evil, ect.. and countless third party witnesses that can vouch that BM OPENLY HATES my guts and hated me since SD could walk. But yeah ok, she's the saint and I'm the bad one for losing my shit with headlice being lied about and brought into my home. By the way no one has admitted or acknowledged about! BM or SD! It's just of course trying to be swept under the rug and instead let's project how awful I am to SD.

So anyway I had a chat with DH. BM has refused mediation 3 times. The latest certificate DH has expires in 3 days. He's hoping to make an appointment with mediation today to either extend it or get another one submitted, then apply for CO for only 3 nights a fortnight.. which should work in his favour as the system here loves mothers being majority of custody and this every second weekend doesn't interrupt their education by accessing school from the same household the entire time. The skids get to be in the amazing household of 0 parenting and come to ours for a coastal sea change every second weekend where they beach and surf with DH and SS gets his sporting commitments met. SD has none, BM has shut down every single extra curricular activity we have tried to expose to SD. So only causing drama and being on social medi 24/7 are SD's hobbies. Just like BM.

Anyway.. well that way, BM has then no choice but have to follow a CO. I told DH it is infuriating that BM is using SD as the communication between the both of you. I know how infuriating it is to try and communicate with BM, as anything said is seen as a personal attack to her and nothing gets resolved, but really SD has no right to text DH with demands on when she can come to our house and ontop think she has the right to see our children without me there. It is super disrespectful and rude on so many levels and just plain wrong. If DH (not that he ever would thank god) entertained the idea of that even happening I would pack my bags and divorce him on the spot. He told SD our family is a package deal, she either comes over when she's supposed to and sees us all, or he is sorting out a way for it to happen.

In the meantime I am the mean wicked stepmother that apparently SS agrees, which I think he just plays the game over there as it's easier for him to pretend to agree with his toxic mother than try and fight her on it. When he's here on his own he is so much easier to get on with. When he's around SD, he's a massive jerk so I feel we all get along fine when the toxic drama isn't around anyway.

So, here is another weekend of no SD and me finding a way to try and explain it to our 4 yo, why her big sister doesn't come over anymore to see her. It's so sad and I'm finding protecting my children from this the hardest.

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This sounds maddening,

This sounds maddening, especially now! And, yes, these types ramp things up whenever there are positive changes in their ex-husband's lives. I'm just glad that your DH doesn't defend this behavior, that he has your back.

Can you not mention to your 4yo when you expect 10SD to come over? It's hard to protect innocent children from this toxic nonsense.

Yes it is crazy now.. I

Yes it is crazy now.. I seriously do not need this stress when I'm about to pop. I haven't told DD4 anything about what's going on, she just thinks SD wants to stay with her mum every weekend.. it's just shes nearing the age of 5 and is asking the question, but why? Why doesn't she want to come over and play? Why doesn't she see Daddy? Why isn't she at our house more? I tell her SD loves her very much, and we love her, and Dad is working out with BM when SD is able to come back over. And she accepts what I say but is just super sad and still doesn't understand why her brother is here but not SD. I don't know what else to say that isn't lying to my child and at the same protecting her. I hate that BM is a narc and just loves the chaos in people's lives, not having any empathy of anyone in the crossfire including her children's small siblings. How does she sleep at night?!

The BM and skids here would

The BM and skids here would have totally lost their s*** if DH and I had kids together--SD openly and angrily expressed her fear of that during adolesence. They were bad enough about us just getting married. We stood up to BM (and we knew there would be backlash/punishment; there always is) and eventually accepted that the skids had been permanently turned against us, although DH has for years now visited them 2 - 4 times a year outside of our house. After many years of hoping and handwringing and trying, I finally completely gave up last year. I sometimes went years without seeing them. I now have zero communication with them.

Have you read anything about parental alienation syndrome? Have you read Dr Tara J. Palmatier's book, Say Goodbye to Crazy?

For the time being, though, take care of you and your littles.

Oh I'm sorry it got to that

Oh I'm sorry it got to that point and the relationship with them never got better.
No I haven't read that book but definitely familiar with PAS. BM is a manipulative narcissist and unfortunately SD10 is following her footsteps.
DH has now accepted he will never have the family dynamic he wished where all of his children get along with us and want to be apart of our lives. We have a vision of just only SS attending family events and SD only appearing in our lives when it suits her.

Why is DH putting up with this

He has a CO I hope. SD doesn't decide if she's coming over or not. She comes over or BM is in contempt of court. DH must take back control. Unfortunately SD first born the queen. Went to part time visitor & DD 4 is the new queen.
'DH must put the X in her place by stopping the phone call. Only text to get it in writing. DH control his family. The longer this goes on the worst it's going to get and harder to get back to normal

Hi Harry, no we don't have a

Hi Harry, no we don't have a CO. So when SD refuses to come over, DH just tells CS he doesn't agree and his $$ only revert back to the agreed parental CS. In other words, BM gets no extra money for having a child basically full time, and if she wants more $$ she may need to go to a lawyer herself to get that in a CO.

We unfortunately have run out of steam. Even if DH decides to get a CO which wouldn't be hard considering the system will favour the agreed CS custody at the moment of dad only getting every second weekend due to working commitments and education as priority being accessed from BMs home.. SD will still give us a hard time being here. She will be manipulating, secretive, stressful and we both just don't want the stress.
BM will eventually want her here, SD is hard work, and when she does come back, she will be miserable abd bored and accountable for bad behaviour and we probably won't see her again for 3 months.
We decided to let her act like a spoiled brat over there, throwing her manipulative tantrum to BM, and focus on us, newborn baby, and enjoy the family time when SS arrives for his weekends with us.

The EOWE solution makes the most sense to me.

DH needs to get this to mediation or in front of a Judge pronto. Also he needs to cut SD out as the mouthpiece for BM and force OFW or some other court monitored communication app on BM.

If i was DH, I would meet SD in the park alone, then you and your LOs drive up and join. Let SD either bite her wicked serpent tongue or freak out and run for the forest. So to speak.

This kid dictator bullshit needs to end and it needs to end in a flaming full annihilation assault on BM's "castle" and the SKids also go up in flames if they are going to be BM's minions.

Your 4yo can adjust to big sis visiting only EOWE. Over time, when SD avoids visitation with some bullshit fee fee motivated BM manipulated excuse, your LO(s) will be tuned to the new schedule and situation. At that point they will likely not have such a hurt reaction to it.

Not an EOWE schedule, ours was a COd long distance visitation for SS to visit with his SpermClan. 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring. He knew the schedule. He also knew when they refused visitation. Over the course of the 16 years of the CO, they refused all visitation for multiple periods of a year or more and fairly regularly would decline single visitations. His life with us was his normal home and family life so when visitations were declined his life just went on as usual. Your LOs will adapt and develop this as their norm as well. When big sis does not show, no big deal. Maybe a bit of sadness, and eventually as your LOs grow up, clarity and anger at their toxic elder sibs from a failed family. But, your kids will adapt and in all liklihood not be the shit spawn their their elder 1/2 sister is since the shallow and polluted end of SD's gene pool is not something your LOs share.

Hopefully SS will continue to engage and as his familiarity with the facts regarding BM and his sadly toxic BM minion elder sister he will begin to put them where they belong in his life. As a toxic side note. My SS increasingly did this with the toxic SpermClan as he grew up. As he gained clarity through his own experiences with them, as we answered his questions with the facts, and as we reviewed the exhaustive file cabinet drawers of the CO, custody, visitation, support, SpermClan initiated attempts to take custody, etc, etc, etc... he stared defending himself from their lies and manipulations in real time while on SpermLand visitation. Ultimately, he cut them off and their crap cost them.... him.

Deep breaths. Enjoy the new LO. Your DH, your LOs and SS can be a part of the joy of the new baby. SD, well, along with BM she can simmer in BM's kettle of toxic genetic and behavioral stench.

5 more weeks!!!!

Thanks Rags, yes I did have

Thanks Rags, yes I did have the same vision of just rocking up unexpectedly, but on my own without my little ones in tow. Just to avoid the conflict conversation that SD will most likely cry and cause a scene because she didn't get her way.
But, DH wants to catch up one on one with her. He was hoping to take her out for a smoothie or something just to have that initial chat with her. The latest she said to him was he doesn't listen to her.. which he finds infuriating as not once has she ever tried to speak to him before about anything.
I think at this stage he will wait it out, have the initial chat with SD and go from there if it's worth the CO. He has accepted the fact she probably won't come over all the time and it will turn into visitation and DD4 and DS1 and new baby will adapt to the new schedule. Again, he will tell CS it's against his wishes and prove it by the email he will send BM and she won't get any more $ thankfully.
Thank you we are very excited for new baby coming and to be honest the past 6 weeks without SD here has been so peaceful and drama free, SS is quite enjoyable to have around.

SS may also enjoy the break

SS may also enjoy the break from the drama that is BM & SD. Focus on him, focus on your children, but drop the rope on SD. If she demands Daddy show up w/ your kids for her to spend an hour or two with, Daddy shows up alone and that's how it is until he feels confident that involving your kids won't cause them any issues. They do not need to be exposed to SD's games and protecting them from heartache and manipulation is key. She needs to get right w/ Daddy before she demands otheres bow at her feet.

Quoting Rags here, my dear:

Deep breaths. Enjoy the new LO.

Your 4-year-old is about to be blessed with a newborn in the family and few things are more enchanting for a little girl than a combination sibling/ human doll to love. I’ve been there and recall racing home from school to both wonder at and engage (within limits) in the care of my tiny sister. I adored her! Before long, owing to the imperfect attention span of a child so young, your 4-year-old will have all but forgotten her older sister in her delight over the new baby.

The BM’s negative influence on her daughter is the kind of destructive programming that you will never combat; the sooner you drop that heavy rope, the less stress you will be forced to endure. So many of us wish that things could be different but the indoctrination of a ruthless, hate-filled BM will override a SM’s guidance and a father’s love every time.

I’m so sorry for the loss that you, your daughter and your husband are suffering but more importantly, I’m furious that, so close to your due date, you’re having to tolerate this nonsense. So harmful, so unnecessary!

My thoughts are with you, Hon. (((((HUGS)))))

No doubt about it grannyd.

I remember like it was yesterday when my parents brought home my baby brother (now 54) when I was 6yo. My BFFFL. To this day we are still incredibly close. I remember the neighborhood kids banging on our front door to meet him. Mom and dad did not realize that they had named him after a super hero so, they were confused when the kids wanted to meet my brother referencing him by the super hero alter ego to his first and middle name.

All the other kids, friends, etc.... became irrelevant when he came into my life. There were not many kids where we lived so even with a 6yr age difference we were each other's play mate, friend, etc....

2yrs later I recall holding him in a bear hug sobbing when our youngest brother passed away at 10mos old. At 2yo he held me and told me it was okay. I remember that like it was this afternoon. At 2yo he had no idea what was wrong or why I was sobbing. He just knew that I needed him and he held me as much as I held him. He was toddler talking at that time ane even then, I understood him.

I am one proud big bro. To this day. He will be in 2mos.

The OP's 4yo and her younger sib will eventually be the protectors of the new LO, and of each other. If necessary, they will protect each other and the new LO from toxic big half sis. That will not be pretty when it happens. It will cost SD-10 far more than SD-10 will gain being under the control of XW/BM. Sadly.

For good kids, a new baby sister or brother is a blessing and extremely exciting. For the noxious minions of toxic Xs, a new baby sib in the other parents new family is a threat. Not because it is fact, but because their toxic parent dictates that it is so.

A cautionary tale. It worked in reverse for my SS. He was the big bro. The quality kid that tried to defend his younger half sibs from their idiot father. So much so that when he was in his 20s he took leave and arrived on the SpermIdiot's front door unannounced, put him up a wall by the throat, and informed the dipshitiot SpermDad that if his gang banger wannabe bullshit got any of the younger half sibs arrested again, that SS would be back and the SpermIdiot would not come out of that visit nearly as well as he was left with a bruised throat from SS's first cautionary visit.

Spermidiot spawn #3 was arrested for a gun violation when he was 16. #3 rode past a police cruiser with a hand gun stuffed in the back of his waist band. He was cruising like a badass trying to impress daddy. While daddy never was successful in becoming a Crip or a Blood, because he is an Opie Cunningham Howdy Doody looking white guy, #3 and #4 are biracial. Sadly, #3 is now a prison inmate convict (felony armed burglary) and the SpermIdiot's gang banger wannabe pride and joy. When #3 ended up in prison as an adult, it broke SS's heart.

Not long after that, SS wrote off the SpermClan and has had almost zero contact with them in nearly a decade The youngest of the SpermIdiot's 4 is on the edge of following #3 down the prison path. So far, he runs to his BM when he is just about to go full meal deal criminal. Unfortunately the gravitational pull of the SpermClan is strong and #4 orbits back into their toxic pull.

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Yes wise words from Rags! I

Yes wise words from Rags! I am breathing so much easier since SD hasn't been returning to our home. It's amazing how the toxic energy can just stop if you don't surround yourself with it.

Thank you so much, this is exactly what I need to hear to get myself mentally prepared for bubs arrival. Dropping the rope to keep fighting BM on a good influence in SD has definitely helped me in a lot of ways. DD4 is very excited for due date nearly here and I've already promised she can help me with baby by picking out her clothes and helping me change her nappies, and help with her bath time, ect. She won't even have the time to worry about SD not coming anymore.
Also, DD4 is already excited to spend more time with SS12 sports this winter with DH, already assuming SD won't be there. I've noticed DS1 has stopped saying SD name now and says Daddy and SS name more which shows how quickly kids can adapt to new routines.

I am very excited to be home with new baby and feeling less stressed these days, especially with DH just having my back and only seeing SD on his own to sort out her spoiled brat behaviour. SS is excited to have that one on one time with DH too, and he has been really pleasant to be around. We shall see how the following weekend pans out but I bet SD will say 'I need more time because it's all about me and not anyone else' so I'll happily stay away and she will unfortunately miss out on the birth of her new baby sister and miss out on that special time with family.

Kids bounce and the younger they are, the less these things

Kids bounce and the younger they are, the less these things impact them. Your DS1 is already past SD and will continue to progress even further past her.

DD4 is also starting to get past the toxic elder half sis. When the new baby arrives, she will be a late toddler age big sis and will likely continue to progress past SD-14 until SD-14 is nothing more than a rare frown of a memory to DD4.

Of course as she grows increasing irrelevant, SD-14 may come screaming back into the picture with a vengeance. I would sit DH down and make it clear that SD-14+++ will not be tolerated to be a detriment to your young children and that daddy needs to insure that his toxic failed family noxious spawn is kept at a safe distance from the LOs.

Hopefully big bro SS-12 will maintain contact with his own quality and not follow the noxious SD-14 down the mommy drama bullshit path.

We started our blended family adventure when SS was young enough that we did not have the loyalty bullshit that you are dealing with with SD-14. His mom and I met when SS-32 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. So, his only memories are of me and his mom and the three of us as a family. He always has known the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan, and started long distance visitation with them when he was 2yo. If they took their visitations, their schedule was 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring with 10 days in Oct until SS started school full time. They never took that visitation though they did try to take it when he was 5yo. Because Kindergarten in Texas was full time we blocked that visitation though we did offer them an extra 10 days during the next summer visitation. Which they did not take at all.

SS struggled with behavioral issues before and after SpermLand visitations, until we landed on zero tolerance and requirement that he follow our home and family standards of behavior from the second he arrived home from a SpermClan visitation, until he got on the plane to go on his next visitation.

Set and enforce the standards, hold the Skids to those standards from the second they arrive until they leave to return to BM's.

Protect your LOs, your marriage, and your home from the baggage.

Take care of you. Enjoy the LOs. With involved parents who protect them from the baggage, they will be just fine. And so will you and DH.

On adding kids in a second/following marriage.

It likely would have not done much to the SpermClan interface between SS and the SpermClan or changed the dynamic that SpermGrandHag used to rant at my DW over the years. Though if we had added kids together, the SpermGrandHag would have likely used that in some way to put SS through even more hell.

When we were discussing having an ours kid, briefly, we talked with SS about it. He asked us not to. He liked being and wanted to be an only child in his real life. The shit storm he lived in SpermLand before they arrived then degrading after his three younger SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas started showing up turned SS off to sibs. Not that we would have allowed SS's opinion to change our minds if we had decided to have kids.

In his real life he was raised with his cousins, my brother's 3 kids, and he considers them to be his closes relatives and even his sister and brothers.

At my nieces wedding 4 years ago, during the reception dinner, the four of them were at a table together for much of dinner laughing and talking.They all were incredibly happy.

We never seriously considered having more kids together even though SS was 2yo when we married. He nearly killed my DW when she was pregnant. She had toxemia/pre-eclampsia and was hospitalized for several weeks before he was born. He was 5wks early. For our whole marriage, until DW was in her late 30s and we were living in the Middle East, her gynos all told her/us hell no to having more kids. A young female Saudi US educated gyno that she saw when we lived in Saudi was surprised that we only had 1 and was pushing us to have more since in her opinion modern medicine could deal with complications if she had any. Neither of us was interested in starting over 20+ years into our marriage when our kid was in his mid 20s and had been launched since he was 18.

I would never jeopardize my bride's health just for a Rags spawn. I also did not want to pass my auto immune disease on to a next generation. So far, my niece and nephews are free of the disease though their dad likely carries the genes just like me. Hopefully that is not the case since his kids are starting to have kids of their own.

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