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What should I expect my fiance to do when it come to his ex wife?

faithnicol's picture

Submitted by faithnicol on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 12:10pm

I am going out of my mind today. Confused about whether I should expect my fiance to stand up to his ex wife and ask her to stop doing inappropriate things...or not.
She has since our meeting sent him photos of herself and texts that show no sign of respect for my relationship. Recently sending him a text about listening to some song that signified how he walked out on her and how hard she has it. Even though she is with the man now whom she had an affair with during their marriage.

Before meeting my fiance, there was one rule I had on my list. TO NEVER DATE A MAN WITH AN EX WIFE. I had heard to many stories and knew early on this would be chaos. Well there is no turning back now. I just don't know how to deal with it. She thinks I am insecure and blames me for his absense from his kids life. I don't see it as insecurity. It is putting my foot down as I would with any woman crossing the line with my man. Just because someone is married for yrs doesnt give them a free card to do what they want.
He used to do more with the kids during the week but since we have met and we live 20 miles away, he sees them on the weekends.

I got into an altercation with her several weeks ago because she sent her youngest son over to the house with head lice knowingly. At that time I did not react until my daughter caught it. I became very angry and nasty with her voicing my opinion about her responsibility as a parent. The text war some how turned around on me and my fiance. She tried hard to convince me he was a horrible person and that I would figure out one day like she did. The next day he got a text from his 15 yr old son mad at his dad because he let me talk to him mom like that. I ask you now, what kind of a parent involves their children in adult confrontations. A true munipulater!!!

So it seems that when anything does not go her way, she uses the guilt card on him. And ya know what? He falls for it.

So what to do?
Am I just going to have to keep my mouth shut and let her put him/me through this emotional roller coaster all the time? Just so I don't feel like I pushing anyone to do anything or question anything?

I am confused. What is the right thing to do? :?

Comments

cc01's picture

Submitted by cc01 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 12:31pm

Yeah, when you use YOU, people get defensive.

If you would have said

"I don't appreciate the fact that (child's name) came here with lice, and we weren't notified"

how can she really argue with that? (of course crazy bms always find ways to be bitches)
But that statement seems like you're collected, and she's the idiot who can't take care of her kid properly.

latina4God's picture

Submitted by latina4God on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 1:01pm

I found out that alcohol helps alot instead of the lice rid thing. My granddaughter gets it all the time and her great grandma got advice from her sister and she said use alcohol, works like wonder, gma was amazed at the result. Just make sure you do it again in 7 days to make sure the eggs are killed too. Hope it works for you too. Good Luck

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 1:44pm

I have also found that alcohol helps when dealing with BM and with DH's kid......wait....you're talking about using it on their hair, aren't you. Biggrin

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 1:50pm

It shouldn't be SM's to deal with-but if it spread to other family members...here's a solution I found. Unfortunatley my youngest caught them last year and a few years back -I believe it was in cold weather season actually. It's a battle no doubt!

Get some original Listerine and shower caps, a small bottle of tea tree oil and coconut shampoo/conditioner (cheap brand is fine). Cover/douse head in listerine over sink and put the cap on-put a towel over shoulders for dripping and leave on for about 10mins for short hair, a little longer for long hair ...rinse a lot, then add few drops of tea tree oil to shampoo or conditioner and wash with that. Then use a small metal comb to go through VERY thouroughly. Rinse the comb in plain white vinegar (helps loosen nits).

For the bedding-wash all bedding/clothes in very hot water and add a few drops of the tea tree oil to the load. Bag up any stuffed animals in bags tightly for a few days.

Keep using the shampoo for the next coule weeks-and keep combing any remaining nits for the following week or two or three.

Also-you can make your own concoction of vinegar, tea tree oil and listerine and water and spray on lighlty before school to avoid anything trying to jump back on them.(preventative)

ALSO-you may have to repeat the listerine thing if some nits were left behind in about 10 days. You will find that the listerine will kill all the actual lice but not to much the nits. Those have to be combed out.

Just a little something I learned from having battled this twice.
AND-my youngest was the one that caught them both times (a couple years apart from school)...he's just more prone to them (and any bug bite really). I still treated my oldest and myself also though.

cc01's picture

Submitted by cc01 on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 12:26pm

Stand up for yourself and put your foot down.
Stand your ground or else she will think she can get away with anything.
It's YOUR life now!
Make her realize that!

Suggestion:

Take everything and put it all our in the open, on the table, in front of him so he can see it. Ask him to listen to you without speaking, that you have a lot to say and you'd appreciate him listening first, without throwing in his opinions in the middle of your vent.

I find, with men, it's easier to tell them your situation and how you feel about it, then to give him an example and use him and his feelings in it. Put him in your shoes.

-I feel _____ when this or that happens, or she says or does this.

then

how would you feel if so-and-so said this to you, or did this.
Then, let him tell you how he would feel.

Simplify it too. being simple works well with men.

Hope that helps.

karenemoy's picture

Submitted by karenemoy on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 12:37pm

You have to set boundries NOW. That was the mistake my DH and he just wanted to keep the piece by doing it her way to just her up and she just shit all over him. Once the kid get older dont deal with her - deal directly with the kids.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 1:34pm

"I feel very hurt when she tries to mess with our relationship with her texts. I would forward them to her boyfriend and ask him to tell her to stop."

To the ex...
"I have treated your son's nits. The next time he will be returned to your home to be treated."

"Your son has nits again. If you are incapable of taking care of them I will treat them again."

"IS this exs-BF? Great. Please let your GF know that she texted the sext text message to my fiances phone instead of yours. Your numbers must be VERY similar because it happens quite often."

"I am concerned your son continually has nits. Fiance is OK with me taking him to the Dr. Just letting you know we have an appointment this afternoon."

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 2:31pm

I suggest this book time and time again for people on here but it helped me to deal with a particularly manipulative person in my life, and I now now how to spot them right away!
http://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative...

Seriously an amazing book and it may help you and your SO to deal with her.

The biggest lesson I learned: Don't let them beat around the bush. Stick to the topic at hand and drill the question until they answer you straight. Manipulators are brilliant at avoiding questions (afterwards you think, hey, she didn't even give me a straight answer to that question...then you try to trace back how it went astray and you can't even figure it out...they're masters!).

EyesOfaStranger's picture

Submitted by EyesOfaStranger on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 2:46pm

^^oneoffour, very funny! And good!!! Smile
How old are the skids? Is it really nessasary he talk to her at all??? I would suggest telling BM you disabled text messaging from your phones and blocked her #from texts (and even if she still texts, dont reply.. She will eventually stop) also-- DON'T ANSWER HER CALLS! let them go to vm! Don't call her!
My DHs evil x was reeking so much havoc in our family when I first moved in it was ridiculous. Finally I told him I'd had enough. It's been 4 yrs now since he has answered her calls, or Even heard her voice. He was fed up with it also so when she would call and leave vm's he would refuse to listen to them.. I would have to. Eventually I stopped listening to them also because she was so psychotic and just plain MEAN! and at one point she was so pissed she called both our phones over 100 times each in like 2 hours. Left 30-40 vm's on each phone! Filled up the vm's completely! We took the phones straight to the Sherriff office and filed a harassment report! Sherriff called her and told her it was harassment and she would go to jail if she called back again. Of course over time she started callin again but never more than 3 times and now she's pretty much stopped callin our phones. We offered email to "discuss things" she refuses.
But it's your life.. And your man should be putting you first (your feelings) no matter what. So if there's anyway around having to deal with the BM (bitch mom) don't!!