Any thoughts?
I am new and this is my first blog. My stepson is six years old. We have a good relationship, actually, although right now he is suffering from the split loyalty feeling between his mother and me. His mother has chosen not to try and make a good relationship with each other for his sake. She has even legally forbidden me to speak to her about my stepson. In the three years I have been apart of his life, I have only spoken to his mother once. That's right, just once at a T-Ball game and we did not get into an argument or part on bad terms.
I do not know who to function in the best possible manner for my stepson when it comes to his mother. I can not make things better because I risk getting my finace put in jail by speaking to her. Even if I were to speak to her about something besides the child, how do I know she won't claim I was speaking to her about the child? I can not trust her because I do not know her. I do not think she speaks out against me directly when he is at home with her. But I do think she says stuff like "I'm your mom and you don't anyone else to be huh?" to the child or "I do it better than her" or "Don't you like it here better?" Just stuff like that.
He won't hug me in front of her and at his games he completely ignores me. I can't believe this because he is only 6 and already feels the pressure of upsetting his mother so strongly that he ignores me.
Any adivce?
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DH needs to step up ...
First, how did she legally prevent you from talking to her? Did she get a restraining order? Does it specifically say you cannot email her? I've heard judges here, plenty of times, say email is not harassment ... this is for the best interests of the child. If it is a restraining order, I'd see if you can get an attorney to talk to you and give you some input. Maybe you could pay him for an hour or 30 mintues of his time ... if it's not a restraining order, then I'm really confused.
DH needs to step up here and talk to BM. You need to be able to communicate with her about her son. My BM said in the beginning that she didn't want to talk to me, I have nothing to do with anything because I'm not SS' parent. Okay, well, now everything I want to say goes into an email and is signed with DH's name. Of course I don't send anything he doesn't read and approve of, but then, at least I know things are being taken care of.
Honestly, other than what is in your SS best interests, what would you have to talk to her about? I don't think any of us are friends with these women! LOL ...
As for your SS' behavior ... you are right, he is conflicted. I've been in my SS life for only a short bit (1.5 years) and he's 4.5, but ... I've seen a couple of times where it was so obvious that BM said something to him, or he hurt her feelings because he said something showing affection to me, it killed me how he treated me on those weekends, but I just dealt with it.
What I would do in your situation is go out of your way at T-ball games or whatever to initiate conversation with your SS. Walk up to him, tell him "good game," cheer him on, bend down and give him a hug ... show him that you love him no matter what. You could also have a talk with him and see why he does it, or have DH talk to him ... BMs are always going to do things to avert our SS' relationships with us ...
Start by finding out if you can email BM ... you'd also be surprised at what kind of documentation you can get out of email. HE HE HE (evil laugh).
~ Katrina
First, thanks for replying
First, thanks for replying so fast.
It is not a restraining order, but part of their court papers so it would be a court violation for me to talk to her. How that would end up affecting my fiance, I am not sure yet. Right now, all I know is that it would be considered a court violation.
I do think I had a false hope that I would become friends with this woman. I wanted my situation to be different, an example to others and my SS that we could get along and make a working relationship. Also, in a way, I came from a small family and saw it as an opportunity to increase the size of my family. I know, how crazy, huh! I still have hope that some day we can be friends. But for now, I have to rely on my fiance talking to her about everything. He does a pretty good job, but he has never stuck up for me. This is what is frustrating. He has never told her that I am going to be a part of their sons life, that I am not going anywhere, and that she needs to accept this and stop fighting it. I think if he would tell her this I would feel better, but he won't. He likes to avoid fighting whenever possible.
You are right that I should probably stop waiting for him to come to me and I should just go up to him and say hi and hug him. Then he doesn't feel the pressure from both his mom and me.
The email documentation is worth mentioning to my fiance, but I doubt he would go for it.
Thanks again. Your email help start my day today!
I don't think so, erin82.
You were not a party to their divorce, so there's no possible way that anything YOU do could legally affect your fiance. You can't be legally bound by an agreement to which you were never a party and he can't be punished for the actions of another adult over whom he has no authority. For example, let's say you and your spouse buy a house together and you are both on the mortgage. Now let's say that your spouse divorces you and runs off to Tahiti with a bimbo and wants to buy a grass hut with her, but can't get financing because he's already a co-signer on your mortgage. Well, the bank isn't going to let him off the mortgage just because you got divorced. They don't care that you got divorced. He signed a contract with the bank. The bank didn't divorce him, YOU did. Therefore, he still has to pay the bank. You are not a party to their divorce anymore than the bank was a party in the above divorce scenario. Make sense?
Have you actually seen these court papers? What's the exact wording? I suspect that there's a no interference clause in there or something that states both parties agree that all communication will be between them and not through third parties, but I'm not sure how such a thing could even be enforced. I'd bet everything I have that this document doesn't specifcally state that erin82 cannot speak to or contact the BM. So I'm not sure how either of you would have any legal liability if you contacted her.
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
Exactly what I was Thinking!
How can an agreement by DH keep you from speaking your mind? No prior agreement my DH is not going to stop me from saying what I want. Hey that is stepping on your consitutional rights to freedom of speech!!!! No way I would have been jailed by now if that could've been done by BM. Although a free meal and solitude right now sounds good to me. LOL I need a vacation.
I am with you!
Solitude always sounds good to me! It is the frustrating part of my situation. Not being able to say anything to about my SS, which is a pretty important topic. Unfortunately, she has not proven to be very intelligent in the past, so I doubt she would even be able to comprehend half of what I would have to say to her. She is in her "Me" world and you can't ask her to step outside of that, now could we! Thanks!
What does it say ...
If Parenting Plan or other court document says “no significant others around child” then it will affect DH. SHE wouldn’t get in trouble, but DH would. I doubt it would be anything serious thought.
I too would be curious to see exactly what the language says … it might be something that was interpreted one way, but could also be interpreted another way.
One thing to keep in mind is that YOU can say whatever you want. Even if you sent her an email … so long as you didn’t actually threaten or harass her … no judge is going to get pissy with you because you sent her an email trying to “make nice” or communicate about SKs.
I posted before and said don’t expect to be friends, and I stand by that. But you are in SS’ life so you do need to learn how to communicate.
Of course you could just do what we do … if I want to say it, I write it, and DH signs his name to it.
I don't know
I don't think he will go for the whole email thing. I think he believes that it will create more problems than it will solve. However, I do believe you are correct that a judge wouldn't crucify us for emailing her. The BM only really likes to my fiance through text message so email would probably thrill her to death, as lazy as she is about communication. I glad that your significant other supports you in this way. It must be very gratifying and therapuetic to get all your feelings out and directed to the person you want to direct them too!
Wow! This is a tough one.
As long as she feels threatened by you and uninviting towards you, He will always feel torn between his mother and you.
I speak from experience. I am thirty-three and I have been torn between my BM and SM for the past twenty five years. Mostly due to my mother's non-acceptance of my SM (yes, even still to this day).
I understand his ignoring you. (Whether right or wrong) It is how he feels. For whatever reason, way beyond your control- this is how he is feeling. He knows that if you is nice to you (especially in front of his mother) then all he knows is that this causes her to get upset. This equals him= making his mother upset. It really has nothing to do with you. If another woman was in your shoes, he would be reacting the same way.
I know this is very hurtful to you. And believe me my heart goes out to you. My step son is now beginning to do the same to me and it is very painful. But I need to step back and be ok with it. (this I am still working on) B/c it is best for him.
Everytime he looks as though he is torn if he should give me (or any other member of my family) a hug in front of her- we walk away and take his decision away from him. We know how he feels, we do not need a hug right there in front of her to confirm that. We talk with him about it. I tell him that I completely understand and that it is ok for him not to hug me in front of his mother. We love him and he loves us and that is all that matters.
This is what some of the BM's do not understand. If they do not speak with us or are nice to us. (or Hell, even give us a chance) Why do they expect their children to? Do children not learn from example?
Believe me when I tell you, The child that grows up to be a young man or a young woman will always remember that you understood and that they will love and respect you b/c again you are keeping their best interest at heart.
Hope this helps, Good luck and I am thinking about you.
Wifi
Good Advice
Thanks for replying so fast.
I do believe you are right. I thought I was being distance and pulling away from him by not having him hug me in front of his mom, but I really am sparing him the pressure of feeling torn.
I know his mom enjoys seeing that, especially when he completely ignores me at his games. Put I have to be comfortable with my position in his heart and not look for visual displays.
I hope your situation will soon boil over and your ss will finally be able to be comfortable with you at all times. I am still having a hard time fitting my ss into my family (my parents), so I know how you feel. I do my best to hide this fact from my ss, that my parents treat my nephew different than him. For now, because he is only 6, he doesn't really notice. I hope this problem is resolved as he comes of age.
Thanks.
Friends ...
Never expect or hope that BM will be your friend. If it happens, consider yourself blessed, but 99% of the time it doesn't happen. Hope for cordial and respectful, but not for friends. Sorry!