Stay-at-home Dad confronting a possible divorce, any advice?
Are there any stay at home Dads in Massachusetts that have gone through a divorce willing to offer advice or answer questions?
I've been a stay at home for 6 years. Have always done my best to support my wife through her struggles with commuting and being away from the kids, but what I felt was enough support, she believes could be more. That sentiment has been a common thread through just about everything we do from vacations, choosing furniture, art, landscaping etc. We're now at he point were she's adamantly done with me. That's her opinion and I don't agree with it, but also don't feel it's possible to change her mind. There comes a time when it's evident two people are on opposite sides of an opinion. I liken it to trying to convince a Bernie Sanders supporter to vote for Trump. It's highly unlikely to happen, but each of the candidates supporters feel they're on the right side of the issues.
I'm not happy about the way things are going between us, I'll manage and to an extent am relieved as it frees up a lot of time I spent trying to assure whether what I was doing is enough not just in my opinion but trying to predict if it will be enough for her as well. What I'm most frightened by is the financial difficulty I face. Having not worked for years, my former career in the tech industry has passed me by. I now not only need to reinvent myself professionally, but have to build up finances and make up for lost time in terms of retirement and all that.
There was an awkwardness I struggled with having my wife as the bread winner, but now a new awkwardness exists in the possibility of alimony payments. Ugh. I've always earned my own keep and in hindsight I believe leaving my profession was the worst decision I could have made, but what is hindsight exactly, it doesn't change anything in the now.
Thank you in advance.
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Years ago I left IT for
Years ago I left IT for another field. When that industry crashed I went back to IT. I had to start at the bottom which is where I belonged as I'd been out of it for a decade. But I worked my way back up fairly quickly, and you can too. And I was 40 when this happened to me.
You have the option to do a lot of online training which did not exist for me. Cut your expenses to the bone - I wasted time and money trying to live a semblance of my previous life style. Big mistake.
Sacrifice now for rewards later.
My ex husband was the stay at
My ex husband was the stay at home dad when we divorced. Lifetime alimony is pretty much quickly becoming a thing of the past. I live in Florida and the end of lifetime alimony passed both our Senate and House and is awaiting the Gov's signature. Most states award alimony for the length of marriage and to give you time to get back into your field. I don't think anyone , man or woman, has a problem with that and I think it would make you a good father to take advantage of it. I would also ask for your half of retirement contributions for the length of your marriage and half the marital assets.
Now like I said my ex husband was the stay at home dad but he cheated. It didn't matter though cause Florida is a No Fault state so they didn't care that he was cheating on me while I worked two jobs so he could stay home. He had gotten fired from his job for sending inappropriate email to an underage intern. Like I said, the State of Florida does not care and he still didn't get full custody. He got 50/50 custody. He got no alimony and he didn't get child support. He also didn't get a lawyer though. I did.
except for NJ. They still
except for NJ. They still have "permanent alimony". Don't ever get divorced in that state if you are the wage earner.
Alimony is fine for a few years, to give the dependent spouse time to retrain and get a new job. If you are in a position to need it, take it for a reasonable amount of time.
It is not OK when used as weapon to impoverish the supporting spouse or the expectation is the supportin spouse has to work until they die because the "obligation" never ends.
Take 1/2 the assets, alimony for a few years and move on with your career and life.
As usual, how very
As usual, how very presumptuous of you to come up with this out of thin air.
My ex husband was a stay at
My ex husband was a stay at home dad and he was phenomenal. He was WAY better a SAHD than I would have been as a SAHM.
I really wish I had not
I really wish I had not clicked that first link :sick: :sick:
We hired a guy in your shoes
We hired a guy in your shoes just a couple years ago. We hired him for technical support, he hadn't worked in 6 years, and he's been working his way back up.
It's an employee's market right now and everyone needs technical skills... I'm sure you'll be fine.
Be sure to get a good lawyer so that you can get what's fair. Our employee wen through hell, because his ex got the best lawyer she could find and tried really hard to get full custody, keep the house and pay no alimony.
It took 3 years in court, but in the end, he got 50/50 custody, 50% of the house and the alimony that was fair based on his situation.
I would be intetested to know
I would be intetested to know if his wife was part of the decision in him becoming a stay at home dad. My ex called himself a sahd on the internet, but he was just unemployed and refused to apply for jobs. He also didn't clean, shop or, cook, and only took care of kids if I wasn't there.
He even complained that he had to do the yard work.
It was actually my wife who
It was actually my wife who insisted I become a stay at home dad. At the time we married the job market was in shambles. I worked a number of jobs under short term contracts. She convinced me that being home would be best as the kid (just her kid at the time) would have someone there full time and we'd spend less on child care after school and dinners would be more than subs and take out. We could also get rid of the house keepers.
What finally caused me to agree was a show we watched called "Househusbands of Hollywood" (eye roll) but it showed a variety of tough guys holding it down and I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea. I worked on boutique projects from home while her daughter was in school and all was well.
It wasn't until our biological son was born that there was a disdain towards me and the work (or lack of work) I did. I honestly believe something rattled loose in her because a lot changed right around that time. She insisted she had pre and postpartum depression and that I did nothing for her to assist. I never got the sense of anything being wrong. I saw her as an emotional pregnant woman. This being the first pregnancy I'd ever witnessed I had nothing to compare it too.
Not only has having a new child changed the dynamic of the house, but we also no longer had excess free time together. Her daughter went to her Dads every other week. Wife and I were able to stay in bed, go out at night, have sex where and when ever during those times.
It was actually my wife who
It was actually my wife who insisted I become a stay at home dad. At the time we married the job market was in shambles. I worked a number of jobs under short term contracts. She convinced me that being home would be best as the kid (just her kid at the time) would have someone there full time and we'd spend less on child care after school and dinners would be more than subs and take out. We could also get rid of the house keepers.
What finally caused me to agree was a show we watched called "Househusbands of Hollywood" (eye roll) but it showed a variety of tough guys holding it down and I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea. I worked on boutique projects from home while her daughter was in school and all was well.
It wasn't until our biological son was born that there was a disdain towards me and the work (or lack of work) I did. I honestly believe something rattled loose in her because a lot changed right around that time. She insisted she had pre and postpartum depression and that I did nothing for her to assist. I never got the sense of anything being wrong. I saw her as an emotional pregnant woman. This being the first pregnancy I'd ever witnessed I had nothing to compare it too.
Not only has having a new child changed the dynamic of the house, but we also no longer had excess free time together. Her daughter went to her Dads every other week. Wife and I were able to stay in bed, go out at night, have sex where and when ever during those times.
Her mom is in a nursing home
Her mom is in a nursing home and her dad has passed. Brother lives out of state. Most of her family isn't close. My family - brought her and her daughter in immediately as family -and they often watched the kids for us to get away, my mother especially.