DH took SD12 off restriction although she's still been out of control. I started a reward program with SD11 and went out and bought prizes that she gets for so many days a being good. I told DH SD12 would NOT be joining in on it.

Well last week SD11 forgot to do one of her chores and DH made her do twice the chores the next day... fine. Well they've also been told not to lean on this wall by the front door (it's there for show) b/c it's weak and the landlady won't fix it. Well SD11 leaned on it and DH took a belt to her... fine he's the dad.

Well this week SD12 was taken off restriction, then hasn't done ANY! of her chores for three days! I've reminded DH of this four times. Also I've caught her 3 different times (while DH was there) leaning against the wall. She's still also on partial restriction and has to go to bed at 9pm. Tonight DH says she can stay up! Excuse me!?! Plus she has gotten no punishments of any kind at all!

I pointed out to him just how unfair he was being to SD11. He got pissed and started yelling and I was yelling back. Then the son of a B! dissmissed me from the room till I could quit yelling! I told him, "FINE! You go tell SD11 why there is double standards in this house. You tell her why it's ok to beat her ass when she misbehaves and gets extra chores. And you can tell her why it is that SD12 can be a bitch to everyone, make everyones lives hell, make me lose YET ANOTHER! job, and why it is she can get away without doing chores and not get punished and why it's ok to spank SD11's butt for a little thing and kiss SD12's butt for the same thing!"

I don't give a damn anymore. I don't even want to be around either of my SDs. I don't want to do anything with them. I don't want to take them anywhere. And it doesn't stop there. I don't want to be around DH either. We haven't had sex in well over a month and I don't give a damn. Hell B.O.B. does a better job anyway. (Bob stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend)

As most of you know I was in the process of getting two new jobs. One I've already gotten as a Dorm Councilor. The other was a substitute school bus driver for our county. Well SD12 has made it so I can't get that job either! Training for the job starts Monday and goes thru Friday. Well SD12's court date is Thursday! Then to top it off I can't find anyone to even watch the brats while I'm at training and DH's at work. He's still on his 90 days probation so he can't ask for more time off b/c he already has to take Thursday off for court, then Friday of next week off for court again. (He has to go to North Carolina to get the money back that BM got for child support while we had the skids) I can't even talk any of my relatives into it b/c of how horrible they are!

I'll just be glad when I'm working again and can start saving money up. I know now that with the skids in the house, there is no marriage. I've wasted 5 years on this man and those brats. I quit not one but 2! jobs b/c of him. I had to quit another b/c of the skids! And now I'm not going to be able to get a new job b/c of them either! Plus there is the whole subject of babies.

If I hadn't wasted 5 years with him. I could have had a child of my own by now and he doesn't even give a damn.

Like the song says.... My give a damns busted!

Right now I feel very calm inside. And deep down in my heart I mean it when I say, "they can all go rot in hell" It's like it takes to much energy to be pissed or hurt anymore. I've already wasted so much on them already.

I'll keep the marriage going... for a while... Until I can get my life straight. I've neglected my health for 5 years now b/c of him and his kids and the lack of money. First I'm going to get it straightened out. I'll go back into therapy and get back on drugs for depression (I'm suppose to be on them now. I was put on them at the age of 19 when I slit my wrist), I'll also go back on meds for my back (I have Siatica), I'll also start taking better care on my sugar (I'm pre diabetic or at least I was a year ago. I maybe full blown now). It's time for me to take care of me. I can say this... since the skids have moved in I've loss 25 pounds due to stress! That at least is something good.

I thought I had married my white knight. The man who would lay down his life for me. Instead I married a man who lied and hadn't been divorces a year (only 8 months), who wanted someone to feed him, baby him, take care of his, warm his bed, and take care of all his bills and troubles. And in exchange he would ride around the world in his tractor trailer saying "What can I do I'm not there, you take care of it" Hell thats what he says now and he's here!

I feel hollow inside. I can't even cry anymore. Isn't that in itself sad? I'm not even suicidal at that thought of losing it all. I was in the past...

I just want to be free to be me... to not yell... to not fight... to get up and look forward to a day with no regrets...