How do you deal with someone who doesn't see things the way you do?
My husband doesn't see things the way I do...but that doesn't really do it justice.
I could deal with someone who just didn't see things the way I did but we each understood the other's position and we could find a compromise.
But my husband refuses to understand where I'm coming from on a lot of things, and this is what he does:
1. Denies it is happening
2. If that doesn't work, states that I am exaggerating the problem and it is really not a big deal.
3. If that doesn't work, puts the problem back on me (it is somehow my fault, or get off his case because I am not perfect either, and do I want him telling ME all the things I do wrong?)
Obviously this drives a huge wedge in our relationship, but even that would be fine. (ok, not fine, but liveable.) But then he expects me to pretend our relationship is GREAT and gets pissed at me when I won't pretend it's GREAT!
He makes modest efforts at change, and when I don't do cartwheels over his modest efforts he gets pissed and asks me why he bothers trying anyway. (I.e. I've been at him for years to spend more time with the family, and then he'll do it for two days in a row and he expects me to be thrilled to death...which I am not rude to him, just more like my attitude is "that is a great start and we had a lot of fun, but that is two days and I've been asking for years, so let's see if this keeps up".)
I'm not trying to change him (I mean, I would love it if I could, but I've got to be realistic.) I'm more just asking how you deal with this, if anyone has any ideas...because it is slowly driving me crazy.
- DeeDeeTX's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
My DH is like that too. I
My DH is like that too. I think the reason men "pretend" that everything is great in a relationship is because if they can get us to think nothing is wrong then they won't have to change what they are doing. With my DH he's always like "I want to spend more time with you and DD", but nothing ever happens. I think he thinks if he can say something like that out loud, the. I will be happy and get off his case. Sorry I don't have any advice, I'm up to my wits end with this crap too.
Exactly. I always say "Don't
Exactly. I always say "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining". The telling me it's raining is the most disrespectful part, and the part that is hardest to take.
If you don't want to change, fine, but don't tell me I'm crazy....
Before we got married, my DH
Before we got married, my DH was all "I really want to marry you, you are the love of my life...blah blah", so we got married, then it was "I would love nothing more than for us to have a baby of our own", then we did. Now he won't spend any time with us unless I nag him to. It sucks that he doesn't want to spend time with us willingly. It's almost like he needed to accomplish these major milestones and now he's good and done and do whatever the hell he wants.
Giving, for my husband, I
Giving, for my husband, I have encouraged him to tell me if all he thinks he has to do is go to work and come home. He denies it. However, his actions are completely different.
Hell, it would be better if he admitted it, then it would at least be on the table and we could deal with it.
What I am dealing with instead is a guy who acts like X, but insists that he acts like Y, and demands that you treat him accordingly.
The cognitive dissonance going on is truly mindblowing, and I don't know how to deal with it.
His mom is on her third
His mom is on her third marriage, he had a few stepdads duiring his childhood but his BD was always in the picture. His BD is nice to our DD but has issues of his own (alcohol, pot, deadend jobs, no money, etc.) so I honestly think it was that he had no good male role model in his life growing up. We've had talks before on what I would like the father of my child to be like. And he mostly agrees but doesnt think he's good enough or something. He has low self esteem.
Giving, I have often wondered
Giving, I have often wondered why my husband had a family as well. Here are the reasons I came up with:
1. He thought this was what he "should" want.
2. He had a 1950s dad model in his head, where all he has to do is go to work and come home, and he is treated like a prince, and never expected to lift another finger. Maybe he could occassionally pat the children on the head, but for the most part they'd be seen and not heard.
Unfortunately, he made none of this clear up front. In fact, he talked a good talk, but now that we have kids his actions are totally different. However, he won't admit his actions are totally different. So I am expected to treat him like a wonderful, invovled dad and react acordingly, or he gets very upset.
And, giving, I wouldn't withold praise from him if at any time he admitted there was a problem, and said he was committed to changing it. At that point I would be his biggest cheerleader, and help him any way I could. However, what I am talking about is when I say there is a problem, he denies it, and then ends up doing a family activity with us on the weekend. I do praise him insofar as I tell him the children had a great time and I can tell they enjoy spending the day with him and that is great. What I do not do is say, "Oh honey, thank you soooooo MUCH," on behalf of myself because I have noticed in the past that whenever I do that he takes it as, "Great! Bitch is off my back!" and then he'll let the problem slide again till the next time I nag.
THIS DH acts out of a sense
THIS
DH acts out of a sense of obligation more than anything else it seems - at least that is my opinion on majority of his actions where the skids are concerned.
1. He got married, as that was the expectation
2. He had kids because that is what you were supposed to do after you got married
3. He 'cares' for his children only when forced which is starting to happen a bit more since I have disengaged, he really has no choice but to care for his own kids, which its pretty much bare basics
4. If i would quit my job, put on a flower dress, bake and cook 4 course meals daily, clean the house and tend to his kids from another woman in addition to my own 2 children - he would be as happy as a clam - despite meeting me in a work setting and understanding my career demands are the same as his, my salary is the same as his, my effort is the same as his and I already had my own 2 children which I care for on my own - he somehow feels I should be a 1930's housewife IN ADDITION and take on his previous family in the process for him.
DH understood i wasn't looking for a replacement Dad for my kids. (I thought he understood that meant I wasnt going to be a replacement mom for his)
DH understood I worked, as hard as him, as much as him and for as much money as him. (I thought he understood I would always work, pull my weight financially and housewife is not in my makings)
DH understood that I am a very strict parent, always commenting on how good my kids were and how he wished his were like that. (I thought he understood house rules would help shape his kids up and that was a minimum requirement to any minor living in the same house as me. Now the rules only apply to my kids and I don't open my mouth to his - so when he complains his kids are awful I just say nothing)
My DH in hindsight would love a SAHM type who would take over all his parenting responsibilities and never raise her voice to his children. Someone who would take the little rascals from doing something bad, bend down, pat them on the head and send them off to wreck something else without a word and nothing more than a smile. Someone who could join it cause to bend over everytime BM came along and give in instantly to her demands.
So - DH is a good man, I married him for that, the bad part is that I don't think I meet his expectations - and if I had known what his expectations were going to be, we wouldn't have gotten married - even if he is a good man.
Giving, I have often wondered
Giving, I have often wondered why my husband had a family as well. Here are the reasons I came up with:
1. He thought this was what he "should" want.
2. He had a 1950s dad model in his head, where all he has to do is go to work and come home, and he is treated like a prince, and never expected to lift another finger. Maybe he could occassionally pat the children on the head, but for the most part they'd be seen and not heard.
Unfortunately, he made none of this clear up front. In fact, he talked a good talk, but now that we have kids his actions are totally different. However, he won't admit his actions are totally different. So I am expected to treat him like a wonderful, invovled dad and react acordingly, or he gets very upset.
And, giving, I wouldn't withold praise from him if at any time he admitted there was a problem, and said he was committed to changing it. At that point I would be his biggest cheerleader, and help him any way I could. However, what I am talking about is when I say there is a problem, he denies it, and then ends up doing a family activity with us on the weekend. I do praise him insofar as I tell him the children had a great time and I can tell they enjoy spending the day with him and that is great. What I do not do is say, "Oh honey, thank you soooooo MUCH," on behalf of myself because I have noticed in the past that whenever I do that he takes it as, "Great! Bitch is off my back!" and then he'll let the problem slide again till the next time I nag.