Not sure what advice you Have for me, but married to a wonderful man for almost 3 years. He has a 16-year-old son. Son is decent, nice. But we don’t communicate. I think, he may feel that it is a conflict with his mom? Anyway, The problem I have, is my husband excludes me from any raising of us. I kind of just sit there in the background. Kind of like I’m his dad‘s wife. So there are two households and one to dad and son. And me and the husband. It gets awkward. Am I anxiety runs really high. I was in a narcissistic relationship for 30 years so I do have PTSD and a lot of anxiety already. And I suffer from depression. Sometimes I think this new relationship is more than I can handle . Any advice on how to deal with that situation?
You came in when SS was already a teenager, so you'll likely have a more in-law type relationship with him than a parent-child one. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with not being a parental figure to this teen, and actually it saves you a lot of grief to allow Dad to be the parent to his own kid.
What isn't okay is being ignored in your own home. Your DH and SS should have alone time together, but there should be an acknowledgement of your existence. Hello, goodbye, pleasantries, a conversation where you're invited to provide input or the topic is related to something you care about. Additionally, your DH needs to make you the priority in front of his son. That doesn't mean he doesn't spend time with him, but it does mean that the core of the household should be you two with SS being invited in as appropriate.
Lastly, if you suffer from mental health issues, please make sure you are getting adequate care for them. It's not your DH's responsibility to cater to mental health issues all on his own. There is a middle ground that has to be met where you are working on yourself while he tries to facilitate your healing (like any other health issue). If this relationship is too much for you to handle, the kindest thing you can do for both of you is end it.
My issue isn’t nor being a step parent actually. But that I am invisible. I do encourage my husband to spend quality time with his son. But at home, my husband defers to the SS and then asks me if that ok with me. My SS although a nice person to others is hostile towards me. We’ve had issues and that is better but unless I initiate there are no pleasantries. Yes... no good night are about all we share. When we travel he will kind of crowd me so I end up walking alone. It’s just stressful. I am never asked about anything... I am told. I am going yo allow step son to drive your car... I am going to do this or that. Im not asked to do anything. As for the other matter. I am dealing with mental health issues. I just don’t like being invisible or taken advantage of.
Have you discussed your feelings with your husband?
One part of me thinks he is just trying to shield you from the ugly that can be steplife. The other part makes me think he is placing you in a box and not letting you out or actually sharing his life. I can't tell where he falls with this little snippet of your life though...
Deb - you are gorgeous, but you might want to change your avatar for privacy reasons. Also, your screen name, also for privacy reasons.
There is an awesome posting or 2 or 3, that you should please save and print and post on a wall somewhere in your home, or use it as a "talking point", in discussion with your DH.
Manifesto of Step parent right
I will be part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times
People of outside my immediate family, including ex's, in laws, and children cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long.
I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
I will be consulted on all family & family financial matters.
Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
I will not be treated like an outsider in my own home.
My spouse and stepchildren will treat me with respect.
Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
That was really great any chance I could get that emailed to me? I am Sdad and don’t want to take a pic to give to my DW since I am one here without her knowledge as a means to get info and vent a little about my SS. Thank you.
Comments
Need advice
Not sure what advice you Have for me, but married to a wonderful man for almost 3 years. He has a 16-year-old son. Son is decent, nice. But we don’t communicate. I think, he may feel that it is a conflict with his mom? Anyway, The problem I have, is my husband excludes me from any raising of us. I kind of just sit there in the background. Kind of like I’m his dad‘s wife. So there are two households and one to dad and son. And me and the husband. It gets awkward. Am I anxiety runs really high. I was in a narcissistic relationship for 30 years so I do have PTSD and a lot of anxiety already. And I suffer from depression. Sometimes I think this new relationship is more than I can handle . Any advice on how to deal with that situation?
You came in when SS was
You came in when SS was already a teenager, so you'll likely have a more in-law type relationship with him than a parent-child one. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with not being a parental figure to this teen, and actually it saves you a lot of grief to allow Dad to be the parent to his own kid.
What isn't okay is being ignored in your own home. Your DH and SS should have alone time together, but there should be an acknowledgement of your existence. Hello, goodbye, pleasantries, a conversation where you're invited to provide input or the topic is related to something you care about. Additionally, your DH needs to make you the priority in front of his son. That doesn't mean he doesn't spend time with him, but it does mean that the core of the household should be you two with SS being invited in as appropriate.
Lastly, if you suffer from mental health issues, please make sure you are getting adequate care for them. It's not your DH's responsibility to cater to mental health issues all on his own. There is a middle ground that has to be met where you are working on yourself while he tries to facilitate your healing (like any other health issue). If this relationship is too much for you to handle, the kindest thing you can do for both of you is end it.
Than you
My issue isn’t nor being a step parent actually. But that I am invisible. I do encourage my husband to spend quality time with his son. But at home, my husband defers to the SS and then asks me if that ok with me. My SS although a nice person to others is hostile towards me. We’ve had issues and that is better but unless I initiate there are no pleasantries. Yes... no good night are about all we share. When we travel he will kind of crowd me so I end up walking alone. It’s just stressful. I am never asked about anything... I am told. I am going yo allow step son to drive your car... I am going to do this or that. Im not asked to do anything. As for the other matter. I am dealing with mental health issues. I just don’t like being invisible or taken advantage of.
Your husband is not all that
Your husband is not all that wonderful if he just tells you what is what, and does not consider you a partner. You have a say in your life.
It sounds like you went from one controlling man to another.
Have you discussed your
Have you discussed your feelings with your husband?
One part of me thinks he is just trying to shield you from the ugly that can be steplife. The other part makes me think he is placing you in a box and not letting you out or actually sharing his life. I can't tell where he falls with this little snippet of your life though...
Step parents "manifesto of rights"
Deb - you are gorgeous, but you might want to change your avatar for privacy reasons. Also, your screen name, also for privacy reasons.
There is an awesome posting or 2 or 3, that you should please save and print and post on a wall somewhere in your home, or use it as a "talking point", in discussion with your DH.
Manifesto of Step parent right
I will be part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times
People of outside my immediate family, including ex's, in laws, and children cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long.
I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
I will be consulted on all family & family financial matters.
Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
I will not be treated like an outsider in my own home.
My spouse and stepchildren will treat me with respect.
Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
Manifesto
That was really great any chance I could get that emailed to me? I am Sdad and don’t want to take a pic to give to my DW since I am one here without her knowledge as a means to get info and vent a little about my SS. Thank you.