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H & The Cold Shoulder

ClutterMusings's picture

Submitted by ClutterMusings on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 10:57am

My H #1 reaction is giving me the cold shoulder. I hate it. It's been going on for so long now that I feel trapped.

I know this is wrong and it is absolutely not OK for him to do that because it totally shuts down all communication, distances us, and makes me furious.

The problem with ME is that I ignore it and try to keep the "peace." I give him space. But then when I do, he turns it around and guilts me.

MY problem is that I have felt "guilty" for so long that I am at the end of my rope.

I haven't deserved this. But, because it had toyed with my emotions for the last few years, I am snapping and angry and resentful.

It's really ugly.

It's not who I am. I don't like the person it has made me. I am trying to "own" my reactions but sometimes emotion takes over.

I am getting the cold shoulder today from H as well. Now, I did snap and lose my chill last night and I was absolutely in the wrong. But, I know it's because I have attempted to put up with so MUCH CRAP for so long to be the hero and now it is biting me in the butt.

So, this is a vent. I really thing this may be a game changer. The way I feel. The way I now react. The anger and resentment.

And the cold shoulder.................... I don't even want to go home tonight.

Do you get the cold shoulder? I have tried sooooo many tactics to handle this, I am just at a loss. Sad

Comments

No saint's picture

Submitted by No saint on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 11:18am

I think that maybe seeing a therapist would help; you badly need to let things out and discuss what's bothering you with someone who can relate and advise you. A therapist might also help you by giving you "communication triggers".
If your life as a couple is changing who you are and DH is a big part of the reason why you are becoming a "worse" person, you cannot go on doing nothing about it. sometimes the burden is too big for two shoulders alone.

AllySkoo's picture

Submitted by AllySkoo on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 11:41am

I love what evil3 said. Smile Go live your life and don't allow DH's mood to affect it. So no, don't go home tonight if you don't want to. Make plans to go to dinner and a movie. Text or call DH and say, "Hey, I'm doing XYZ, want to come?" If he says yes, great - if not, go without him.

The thing is, I can *sort of* see the other side of this. When I'm pissed off about something the VERY last thing I want to do is talk about it - it makes it a thousand times worse. I need time to calm down, to work it out in my head, and THEN I'll discuss it. (Sometimes. Lol Often I don't though, because at that point I'm over it.)

I'd second the suggestion for therapy too. Less because there's anything inherently wrong with either of you and more because you have different coping strategies that aren't meshing well - so you need some strategies for how to deal with that.

ClutterMusings's picture

Submitted by ClutterMusings on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 1:08pm

Thanks Catlettuce! For the first time in a LOOOONG time this has not ruined my day. I think I used up all my negative energy in the past. I just can't do it anymore.....

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 12:12pm

My EX used to do this shit and he was VERY VERY controlling.

SO can't stop talking to save his life. He rants and raves. I used to stand toe to toe with him and give it all back to him. That was horrible. The fights just escalated. Now I go on about my business. I cook dinner, play with my dogs, watch tv. 99% of the time he comes to me a few hrs later apologizing because he was acting like a jerk.

I'm older now and if I had to do it all over again with my EX, I would do the same thing I'm doing with SO. Instead of asking him over and over again what was wrong or apologizing even when I didn't know what the hell he was even pissed about, I would just go about my business and let him wallow in his own crap.

SMLIFESUCKS's picture

Submitted by SMLIFESUCKS on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 12:57pm

I have to say I am the one that gives the "cold shoulder" as you call it. However, it's after I have attempted to talk to DH and he has gaslighted me or tried to say I'm the one with the problem.

I just don't want to deal with him, so I don't. If he talks to me I will answer, if he hugs me, I let him. I do it because my DH thinks once he's said "I love you and hugged me" it's over whether it was resolved or not.

I might be wrong doing it but it's the only thing that makes DH stop and think about what I said.

ClutterMusings's picture

Submitted by ClutterMusings on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 1:13pm

I am not a saint when it comes to a cold shoulder either lol! I def have to get my thoughts together when I am upset and I value alone time otherwise I say things I regret, bigtime.

But, I can tell a difference between me...I "cool down" and then respond. He uses it to "punish" me. No eye contact, won't answer his phone, grunts, pouts, ignores....FOR D.A.Y.S.

I will do it for a few minutes, like walk outside for 5 or 10 mins...take a bubble bath, etc. And I will still respond to him if he tries to initiate an apology. I will answer his texts and phone calls so he knows I still love him and I am still available and that I just need a second to chill before lashing out.

This happens what seems like every week. ALL THE TIME. And a lot of time for NO reason. I agree, there was a reason for him to be upset with me last night, but still....most of the time it is just for his fun of it to show me he has power and control.

AllySkoo's picture

Submitted by AllySkoo on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 1:28pm

Wow, no, that is totally different! I'm with you, I might not want to talk about whatever it is that's upsetting me right then, but I'll still TALK. Even if just to say, "Look, I don't want to say anything I'll regret, just give me some space, OK?"

Nah, your DH is being a prick. Go home, order dinner for yourself, and pick out a good show to watch. Ignore the hell out of his pouty ass.